Increased…

Thursday night was rough. B came in from outside just furious, according to him, another child’s dad had yelled at him and threatened to “kick his a##”. He was insistent that we talk to his other friend who witnessed the whole thing. Donovan & I talked it over, what do we do? We know that B sometimes perceives things as more threatening than they are, and that when that happens, it’s real to him, nothing we do can change his mind about it, he’s completely inflexible about it. We thought about going over and talking to the parent, explaining what is going on, we just weren’t sure. There is such a stigma with this disorder, people hear “Bipolar” and think horrible things. It’s not very well understood by doctors yet, so it’s definitely not understood by most people who haven’t’ dealt with it. I don’t know if we’re ready to educate the neighborhood at this point though, we’re still learning! Donovan had to run to the store, and on his way, happened to see the other little boy outside playing. He asked him what had happened, and he said that the man had come out, told them to leave his daughter alone, and get off his property. He wasn’t yelling, didn’t swear or threaten anyone. Again a case of feeling threatened and locking onto that, needing that control over the situation. When Donovan got home everything was fine, B had calmed down and was playing w/ his brother. A little bit later though, everything exploded. B had yelled at D for something and D asked him to leave his room, at which point B totally lost it. He was furious, cussing, calling names, the whole nine yards. He was not being physical at least, and we were so thankful for that! From that point on though, he was being very defiant and angry. He didn’t want to shower, he didn’t want to go to bed. We told him that he needed to calm down, and take a break. He wasn’t being physical so we left him alone. The next thing you know, he’s in the shower. I went to tell him it was time to get out, and he had no towel. When I asked him about it, he fell apart crying that he was sorry and just stupid. I reassured him as best as I could, and he got out. Then he was ok for the most part.

Yesterday the psychiatrist had us increase B’s dosage on his new med to 2x a day. She received the blood work back, and his level was at a 0.3, therapeutic levels are around 1.0-1.2. So now he is getting 300mg of Lithium in the morning, and again in the evening. Hopefully this will get him where he needs to be and we’ll start seeing more stability and control. He started getting the increased dosage yesterday.

The kids went to their dad’s today. They were all excited about going and seeing him and their little brother. They are supposed to go to a place that’s kind of like Malibu Castle. Hopefully it won’t be too much for B to handle. He doesn’t usually have episodes at his dad’s, but I think the stress of holding it together there is rough on him, and we’ve usually got a rough day or two when he gets home. We shall see how it goes!

Forgiveness…

My wonderful cousin has been posting selections from her daily Bible reading as bulletins on myspace. This was her offering today. It really struck a chord in my spirit…

Colossians 3:12-15 (New Living Translation)

12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

If you are one of my good friends, you know how I have been struggling, for quite some time now, with forgiveness. I think it’s something that as humans, we all struggle with. Why should I forgive someone who hurt me? Especially when it was intentional, or malicious. Especially if it’s someone who is supposed to care for me, or especially if it is someone who doesn’t know me at all. These verses though, they sum it all up so simply. We must forgive, because we are forgiven, we must love and live in peace, no matter how they have hurt us. We must also be thankful, even for those hurts, those things and people who crushed us, so bad. Those things are what made us who we are. The things I have gone through, the things that my family will struggle with going forward with B’s disorder, I need to be thankful for it. Even though it seems horrible, and painful. It is making us grow closer and closer to God day by day. I am having to learn to rely on His mercy, healing, love and forgiveness to hold me up. Each morning as I wake up, I need to stop thinking of all the bad things, and focus instead on what is good. Letting go of the past. I cannot change it.

So, that said, I forgive you. You know who you are, and you know what you have done. I forgive you for the pain you brought me. I forgive you for not loving me how God wanted me to be loved. I forgive you for so much. I let go of injustices, whether real or perceived. I am letting go of anger and desire for justice. I give it to God, and will let Him deal with it. I think I am probably going to have to say this daily for a while, but that’s ok too. I am human, and I need to remember that as well. I strive to be like Christ, but I cannot be Him. I will let go daily of my despair and hurt. I will daily give it over to my Lord and let Him take care of it for me.

One last thing, if I have caused you pain, I ask that you forgive me also. Remembering that we are all human, and all make mistakes.

in Him,
Trish

Finally…

I’m finally making time to sit down, write a blog post, catch up on e-mail and try to be *normal* for a few minutes. Donovan & B are outside mowing the lawn, so it’s relatively quiet in here for a little bit. I could lay down and nap really, but I shouldn’t. Sleeping during the day is not helpful when one cannot sleep at night.

So B has been home for a week. It’s been a very up and down and all around week. It has been a good week for the most part. Sunday night was rough. There were issues with the shower, then with getting to bed. He finally fell asleep though thankfully. This week has been good, yesterday during school was an issue, he did not like one of his assignments, which led to it being torn up. He then drew a picture of him beating us up because he was angry. He didn’t want me to see it, but I told him I needed to. He asked if I was mad, and I assured him I was not mad at him, just worried. Once he calmed down, he asked for another worksheet, and completed it no problems. He didn’t want to do his math either, but eventually did that as well.

We saw the psychiatrist yesterday. No med changes at this point, but she did send us to the lab first thing this morning to have his levels checked. We go back to see her in 2 weeks (on April 9th), unless something happens and we need in sooner. She talked to him a lot about changes and him working on his behavior. He was of the mindset that he doesn’t want to work. He knows he has bipolar, and that’s all he needs to know. She voiced the concern that possibly he came home from the hospital too soon. He didn’t like that idea at all. She explained to him that if he isn’t going to do his part to try to get better, that he can go back, possibly a partial program, where he is there during the day for school and such, then home at night. The other possibility would be the residential program, where basically he would live there. He said he definitely did not want to go back, and would do his best. We told him that is all we can ask, is that he try too. Definitely a relief that he seems to understand his part in treatment and therapy.

The other thing that came out of the psychiatry appointment yesterday is an appointment with a Psychologist for Neuro-Psych testing, Praise God! We have an appointment on the 3rd of April for the consultation. She will discuss the diagnosis, visit with us and B, then determine exactly what tests she will run. Then we will actually set the appointment for the testing. She does testing on Friday mornings, so I’m hoping it won’t be too long of a wait until he gets the testing done, because there will be about 2 weeks for the test results to come back. Then we will go back to learn about the results, and what we can do to deal with that. If you are reading this, and have any suggestions about tests, please let me know!

Today we saw the counselor. We had a good session as a family, then Donovan & I went out in the waiting room while B had individual counseling. He’s really amped today. Lots of energy and excitement. When we were talking to the counselor, he couldn’t sit still. Kept getting toys off the shelf, or bouncing a ball around the room. It was like he was one of those wind up toys, he just kept going on and on and on. He’s outside working off some energy right now though.

Everything else is going ok. It’s an adjustment for all of us. We’ve discussed the disorder with A & D. They don’t really understand fully though what it means, and I think it’s going to be harder on them than any of us realized. While Donovan & I are having to adjust our parenting style to suit B’s needs, D & A don’t understand. They have both voiced the opinion that we are treating B differently than them, and they feel insecure. Again, one of those things that just take adjustment and time to get used to. We just keep having to reassure them that we love all 3 of them the same, but that B has needs that are different from theirs, and we all have to work together to help him. It’s a long road ahead of us.

God will lead us through I know, and we’ll all come out stronger in the end….

He’s home…

Hooray! We got the call that the doctor had discharged B at about 9:00 this morning! We picked him up at 11:00, it was the quickest hospital discharge I think I’ve ever seen! We were out of there by 11:30!!! We stopped for lunch on the way home, Long John Silver’s (B’s choice). He was so happy to be coming home! He’s seemed very anxious today, difficulty making decisions, worrying that someone is mad at him. One of his friend’s came by and wanted him to go outside. B told him no thank you, he had just got home. Then B told me that he didn’t want to go outside, he wanted to stay with his mommy!

I think the most awesome display of excitement came from the dog though! When B walked through the door, I swear that Chip jumped up and could have landed on B’s head! He bounced and bounced at him, soooo excited! Everyone missed B while he was away!

Tomorrow morning we are going to my mom’s for Easter. The kids are all excited! I am too, more than anything though, I’m tired at this point. It’s been a long two weeks w/ B in the hospital, but he’s home now, and I’m better.

Happy Easter!!!

Good visit…

We had a great visit w/ B tonight! We called on the way, to let them know that we were bringing dinner for him. Somehow, the message got lost, so he had already eaten, but he ate a couple of onion rings, and totally enjoyed the vanilla shake. He was really in a good mood. He spoke w/ the doctor today, who told him that he will be going home either tomorrow after our family session, or Friday. He is really excited about that. We walked around the grounds. He & Donovan played *ball* with the little seed-type things. It was so awesome to see B playing and enjoying himself.

He told us that they are going to take blood tomorrow. He wasn’t nervous about that at all. According to him, it hurts more to get a shot than to have blood taken. This difference is because when you get a shot they are putting stuff in, not taking it out, according to him anyway. We talked some about how with his new medication, he will probably be having blood drawn quite often at first, and why. He seemed interested in how the meds need to be kept at a certain level in his blood. We also talked about how he gets hot at night, and can’t sleep. I was telling him that I have learned that he gets so hot because of the disorder, he seemed to find that interesting as well. I pointed out to him that since we now know there is a neurological disorder involved, we can focus on finding the right medication(s) and therapies to help deal with things.

He got down when it was time to go in, and he said he didn’t feel well. We talked through it though. I reminded him that he just needed to hang on a couple of more days. He was good when we left.

Now we’re just praying that the family session in the morning goes well. Hopefully my questions about blood levels, medication levels, dosing schedules, etc., will all be answered. If not, then I will make sure they are before we leave the hospital with him.

I’m hoping to find some support groups here locally that we can participate in before we move. I’m also looking forward to when we move, and what is available out there as well. So many changes going on, it’s exciting! I’m really feeling hopeful at this point! This diagnosis is just the beginning, of a looong road, but it is the beginning of help for my baby boy! Which is ultimately, help for our whole family.

Thank you Jesus for holding us through this, we could not make it without your love and support holding us up. People keep asking me how I’m doing, and I say I’ve got a few threads left. I do, and they are all being held in the hand of the Savior! Praise God for doctors and scientists who are studying the brain, and trying to find a cure for this disorder! Thank you for bringing us through this, let it bring glory to you God!

Friday?

Yesterday I got a call from the therapist, we have a family session scheduled for Thursday at 11:00 am. She said the doctor requested it, and said that he will probably go home after the session. Probably NOT Thursday, but Friday.

Last night when we visited, B was NOT happy to hear that he would be there until Friday. We visited for about 8 minutes, and then he just walked out. He was very upset that we can’t just take him home now. One thing that I am learning about this disorder is that the need for instant gratification B has is not just him, that is part of the disorder. He did call me last night though, he was quite hyper when he called, but he got sad at one point, he was calling to tell me he was sorry for walking away, and for being angry. I told him he doesn’t need to apologize for being angry, he has the right to be angry and frustrated, I understand that. I am glad that he walked away, rather than lost control. Then of course, he was done talking, and wanted to go watch his movie. lol

I’m praying for a better visit tonight when we go.

Forgot…

I actually got some sleep last night!!! Hooray!!!

Changes are happening…

Yesterday, we spoke with the doctor. He didn’t have an answer as to why the psych testing hasn’t been done yet, he was trying to find that out. As far as he knew, the psychologist was supposed to be there on Sunday. Hopefully the doctor will have an answer to that question today for us.

In the meantime, without the testing, at this point, the doctor’s diagnosis is Bipolar. He put in orders to change B’s meds last night, and when we spoke with the nurse this morning, B has had 2 doses of the new medication at this point. We are praying that this will be a turning point for B. The medication that the doctor has started him on will require frequent blood checks, in order to monitor the level of medication in his blood. From everything that I am reading, once we get to his dosage, then it will be every 4-6 weeks, just to make sure that things are staying level. This medication has a very high success rate, and has shown to be extremely helpful for rapid cycling bipolar patients. I’ve been thinking this was what was going on for some time, reading different information about this disorder, it’s like reading about our life, since B was born. From the way he nursed, fussed, slept, everything, it fits. There is a LOT of help and information out there, now that we know what is going on, I’m feeling pretty good about the next steps.

Last night at our visit, B was pretty down about still being in the hospital. He wants to come home, understandably. I want him home too, but I also want the doctors to do everything they need to do, including monitoring his medication change as closely as possible, watching his moods, and hopefully getting the psych testing done. B got pretty upset that I wouldn’t just take him home last night, and walked away. When my mom talked to him on the phone later, he was doing better though. This morning they said he is in a happy mood, was even somewhat hyper after breakfast.

Donovan called me this morning, he spoke with one of his supervisors, and due to the things going on, the military has a special provision for situations like this, where he can take several days leave with pay, without it coming out of his leave bank. Hopefully that will get approved today, and he will be home for the next several days with us, to try and get everything taken care of that we need to. I’m so grateful to be a military family at this point. There are a lot of negatives, but the positives, and the way they take care of people is just awesome.

I know that the only way I am getting through this is because of God holding me up, and Donovan holding the other side up. God is holding us both up, and we are holding each other. I know that God brought this wonderful man into my life, and I know that the experiences we both have gone through, brought us to the point where together, we are facing this challenge, head on, and going to make it!

Praise God for all things, He uses them for His Glory!

Tonight…

Whataburger, that’s what B wanted for dinner! He called home about an hour or so before we left, he asked for Long John Silver’s, but I didn’t know of one close, so he said Whataburger instead? We all had milkshakes, well, D had a coke, he was offered a shake, but chose coke instead. In fact, we all had the same thing for dinner, chicken strips, except D, he had a burger. It was his night to be unique I guess!

B brought out paper airplanes, and after they ate, the kids were having airplane flying contests. It was so awesome to see them playing so good together. B seemed to be nervous at first, but I think he had fun playing. It was really windy though, so the planes weren’t flying all that great. It was hilarious though, some of them kept flying backwards because of the wind. Too cute!

They still hadn’t done the psych testing when we were there. First thing tomorrow morning I am going to try to get in touch with the doctor and the therapist to find out what is going on with that. When we checked him in, the admitting doctor said that there would probably be med changes right away, but it’s been 6 days now, and no changes. Hopefully we will get to talk to someone tomorrow and get some answers.

Please keep praying, God is listening, and He is holding us up, because I know if it wasn’t for His arms around me holding me up, I would have fallen down a LOOOONG time ago!

Dinner

Last night when we got to the hospital, we found out B had been moved to *green* level, which means he is allowed off his unit! Hooray! He got to go have dinner in the cafeteria, and go to the gym yesterday. He was really excited about that. Tonight we are all going up to have dinner with him, A is very excited! We all are, but she is especially.

During our visit last night, he was up and down. He started off kind of down. Sad because his brother and sister weren’t there, but then he was excited because Aunt Pam and Granny were! While we were visiting, he was quite pingy (hyper). He bounced around, being really silly, etc. Very excited. I don’t know if that was because Granny & Aunt Pam were there, or if it was because we were visiting outside on the grounds, or a combination of the two, but he was definitely wound. He got quiet towards the end of our visit, which is to be expected. But he was in a good mood when he went back inside, and took off to take a shower.

They are supposed to be doing his Psychological Testing today. Bryan told us that the doctor said they are hoping to have his test results quickly. He might be able to come home Tuesday at this point. We’re still hanging in here, just kind of waiting. We asked that the doctor call us today, but haven’t heard anything from him yet.

Like I said, we’re just hanging in here, waiting to see what happens from one day to another. I’m tired. I miss him. I cleaned up his school area yesterday, it made me sad. I want him home, but I also want to know what is going on inside him, so we can figure out what to do to help him. I want that sweet loving boy back that I know is inside there. The one who cried if you killed a spider, not got excited about killing snakes. The boy who throws his arms around you and says he loves you. I know he is still in there somewhere, we just need help in figuring out how to get him back…

Keep praying…