Hmmm…

You know that e-mail from God post the other day? Well, this is what I got from KLove this morning…

Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.Romans 12:12, NLT

Whirlwinds…

Whirlwinds come flying into our lives sometimes don’t they? Just out of the blue, or maybe not so out of the blue, but for the most part unexpected. One minute you think you know what is going on, and then the phone rings. My phone rang last Thursday…

My sister called last Thursday, it was around 11:30 am. I don’t know the exact time, but I know it was around then because we were on the way to pick up A from school for a therapist appointment. Anyway, Wednesday night she called 911 and my mom went to the hospital. She couldn’t breathe. If you don’t know, my mom has emphysema. She was in CCU until Friday when she went to a regular room. She is not doing better. She will not get better. Two years ago she was in the hospital and her chest x-ray showed a spot on her lungs. That was how they referred to it two years ago, a spot. Well, my mom has not had insurance up until this month, when she turned 65 and started to qualify for medicare. So, 2 years ago she opted not to have the spot looked at. They were unable to do any treatment or biopsy it in the hospital at that time because her condition wasn’t stable enough. Fast forward back to last week, the emphysema is much worse, her condition is less stable, and the spot is now being called a mass. There is nothing they can do at this point. They cannot even officially diagnose the mass as cancer because they do not believe her body could handle the biopsy. The doctors said that if she is intubated (put on a breathing tube) she most likely would not come off it. So, they called in hospice care for her on Saturday, and brought her home in an ambulance. Hospice will help her to be comfortable and help us to know how best to care for her. They have been wonderful so far! What a wonderful ministry!

Them being wonderful doesn’t change the fact that my mother is dying. I don’t want her to hurt and suffer anymore, but it hurts to know that my children aren’t going to know her like my nephew knows her. There are so many wonderful memories I have of her. I hope and pray that I can preserve them so that my children can know her and remember her.

If you have a minute, say a prayer for my mom, that perhaps, she won’t hurt so bad, that we will be ok and that we can accept God’s will for her. That she knows God’s love for her and will be with Him on streets of gold, dancing for joy!

Slowly…

It’s slowly coming back! My creativity that is! Last night, I was working on cards for another stamp class. Since before I was in the hospital, I’ve not been able to concentrate enough to come up with an original design. Everything has been case’d. (CASE stands for Copy And Share Everything). It’s what you do when you can’t come up with anything original. Well, last night I was case’ing cards, and I couldn’t find anything for the third card I was working on. Nothing I was seeing really appealed to me. The next thing I knew, I was getting out designer paper and boom, I had come up with an original card!!! I won’t bore you with all the details about the card on here, but if you’re interested, check out my stampin’ blog later this evening. When Donovan gets home I’ll see if he can take a picture so I can post it.

In other news, my patience seems to be coming back, slowly as well, but it’s getting here. B & A see their therapist this afternoon. Last night was a bouncy night for B. He seemed down when he was talking to his dad on the phone, but when he passed the phone off to his brother, it was like someone had turned his switch on. He was all over the place! He was upset when we asked him to take a shower, but eventually Donovan was able to calm him down and get him to shower. He’s having a hard time waking up and getting going this morning as well. He is up, but he’s just being really slow, and tired, almost whiny. I’m going to offer to let him go take a shower in a minute, that usually helps him get going. He might not want to since he took one last night, we’ll see how that goes…

Changes…

So we (B & I) saw the psychiatrist (pdoc) yesterday. She is very pleased with how well B is doing, although his lithium levels are still somewhat low. So, she increased his lithium dosage a bit. She has him taking the increase at bedtime, which she said might help him to sleep more, which would mean we can get him off one of his other meds. That is good imo. The fewer the medications the better.

As for me, we’ve noticed that the lithium doesn’t really seem to be doing much for me. She’s slowly increasing the anti-depressant I was on before, as well as bringing in another medication for depression. If this regimen seems to work, then we’ll slowly phase out the lithium. We see her again in two weeks.

That’s all the *medical* stuff. Someone asked me how I’m feeling though. It’s hard to be honest with that. Like most people, I want to wear the I’m good mask. When people ask how are you, I tend to say, OK. Or I’m good, things like that. In reality, I’m depressed. I’m more down than I’ve been in a Loooong time. I am functioning, but I have my moments. I would much rather sleep all day and not get up than actually get moving and do things. I’m really snippy/short tempered with everyone. Like Donovan says though, we’re working on it. I know that it’s a medical problem, and that there is a medication out there that will help, I’ve just got to find it. I have an appointment on the 23rd with a new therapist. That should help with dealing with things. One thing at a time. One day at a time. That’s the trick, just to do one thing at a time, one day at a time, as I can make myself get up and move. I did do some stampin’ the past few days. In fact, I’ve scheduled a class! Woohoo! Baby steps!!! What’s next…

Randomness…

I’m feeling random tonight!

I stamped 3 cards today! Hooray! Small signs of normalcy continue! Granted, they were cased from other people, but by golly, I stamped! They weren’t exact cases either, I changed some things on a couple of them! I know, this isn’t my *stampin’ blog* but oh well!

I’m doing better, not quite so irritable, although, that’s easy to say when I’ve been stampin’ all day, and the kids have all been off at friends houses swimming! Baby steps, right?

B & I both see the pdoc tomorrow. She got our lithium levels back last week and apparently they are still somewhat low. I don’t know if she’s going to want to increase again or not. I guess I’ll find that out tomorrow afternoon.

I got the sweetest e-mail today from my *niece* asking about B’s disorder and wanting to learn about it. I thought it was sweet that she’s so concerned. Just more proof that God is surrounding all of us with loving friends!

The real reason I came to post right now was because I was listening to my playlist earlier on my myspace page, and heard a song I haven’t heard in a LONG time! It’s called, “Set Me Free” by Casting Crowns. It’s an amazing song, and never fails to drive me to tears, big sobbing tears too! It so eloquently speaks to what living with depression and/or bipolar is like.

When we saw Casting Crowns in concert 2 1/2 years ago, I had just gotten home from my first hospitalization. When they sang this song, I really lost it. They started it out by reading from scripture, from Mark Chapter 5, the story of the man possessed by many demons. Then they went into this song, and I gotta tell you, I was blown away. It was such a moving and amazing moment! Anyway, earlier today when I was stamping and listening to my playlist and this song came on, it floored me just like it did 2 1/2 years ago. If you haven’t heard it, check out the video above…

When I get an e-mail from God…

I really believe that I do sometimes. I think that He just happens to use someone elses computer and actual e-mail address, but I know that it’s from Him.

Today has been a rough day. Several times today, I’ve asked Donovan why. Why am I feeling like this? Why are we going through this? Why why why. I know that God has a plan, but sometimes, it’s hard to get my head around the fact that what I’m feeling and how I’m hurting, could possibly be good in any way. Then, I get an e-mail from God answering my question…

I’m an e-mail devotional-a-holic. I subscribe to several different daily devotionals, scriptures, etc. This evening, I got one from www.maxlucado.com that was an excerpt of his book, “On the Anvil”. I’ve never read this book, but the portion that I received was a description of how a blacksmith shapes metal. The process of it, what it sounds like, looks like, it almost gives feelings to the iron as it’s hammered and heated and shaped and molded. Then, it comes out, just how the blacksmith wants it, shaped just perfectly for the job the blacksmith has in mind for it. Then it gave this scripture…

“For a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed.”
I Peter 1:6-7

Yes, God definitely sends e-mail…

It doesn’t matter what you call it…

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that the past month or so has been stressful, to say the least. You might say that last Sunday, my last thread finally snapped.

There were issues when we picked the kids up from their dad. I became very distraught, and eventually just lost it completely. When we got home, I had decided that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to leave. Donovan wasn’t buying into my thoughts though, and wouldn’t let me go. Instead, he called one of my friends over to help me. She came, and talked, listened, prayed, held me, let me cry and rant, then prayed some more, until finally, I calmed down and came inside. At which point, another friend called just to see how I was doing (she knew how stressed I had been) and when Donovan told her what was going on, she insisted on coming over for us. I was calm by the time she got here, well, calmer, but just knowing how much she cared, that she not only called just to check, but then came over, late at night, just to make sure and see if she could do anything for us!

Monday morning, Donovan called my psychiatrist for an appointment, and we got in to see her that afternoon. She could see how agitated I was, and after just a few minutes of talking knew that medication changes were needed. As upset and anxious as I was at that time, she suggested that I be admitted to a treatment center while my medications were adjusted. So, that is where I was from Monday the 31st until Saturday, the 5th.

I spoke with the treating psychiatrist on Tuesday morning, and he suggested that we take me off the anti-depressant that I was on, and try a more aggressive medication. He put me on Lithium and Invega starting Tuesday night. Being hospitalized while this was going on, they were able to take me off the anti-depressant VERY quickly. Normally you have to step down slowly, but by Friday I was no longer taking the anti-depressant. I’ve seen a difference in my moods and anxiety since probably Thursday. It’s getting progressively better. Lithium can take a couple of weeks to reach a constant therapeutic level from my understanding, so I’m still anxious at times, but I’m coping with it better and better each day.

I saw my outpatient psychiatrist today, and she immediately commented as to how much better I look today than I did a week ago. Tomorrow I go to have blood drawn. With Lithium, they have to draw your blood somewhat frequently at first, to check the levels. There should be a certain level of Lithium in your blood, what they call the “therapeutic level”. When they checked them in the hospital on Thursday, I was a little low, but since the med has to build up, it should be about right now based on previous experience and knowledge of the medication. If the levels are good, I won’t see the doc again until next Monday, if there is a problem, she’ll call me to come in sooner.

We discussed diagnosis with the psychiatrist today. When I was hospitalized back in 2005, the diagnosis they gave me at that time was *Bipolar II*, how they explained that was bipolar without full blown mania. My outpatient psychiatrist wasn’t convinced of that, and tends to lean more towards PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the abuse, anxiety and major depression. This time I left the hospital again with a diagnosis of *Bipolar II*, however, I have a better understanding of what that is because of all the reading I’ve done due to B’s diagnosis. My outpatient psychiatrist still isn’t convinced that I meet diagnostic criteria for a Bipolar Spectrum Disorder, however, she said today that it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you treat the symptoms that are present, and base the treatment plan on the symptoms and such, not on just a diagnosis.

God has so blessed us with such wonderful friends, through this whole ordeal, my friends have been so amazingly awesome! You all know who you are, but I have to say how wonderful you all have been and continue to be. From watching my children, homeschooling one of them for us, making arrangements for them to be picked up from school, calling the church to let them know what was going on, bringing dinner, being here, calling and checking on us, and most importantly, praying, non-stop. Without even being asked at times, you have known what we needed, and been there no matter what the request, how big or small. You truly are what friends are, and you totally get what it means to say, “it’s in the job description”!!! Thank you to each of you, more than I can ever express. God truly blessed me when He brought each of you into my life, and I am so thankful!

Finally Home…

I’m finally home from the hospital! Thank you to everyone who was and is praying! I am hoping to post a *good* blog in the next couple of days with details and everything. For now though, thank you for keeping me in your prayers and thoughts! Love y’all!