It’s a God thing…

So, I’ve been struggling. I’ve felt so disconnected since we’ve moved, well, before that even. Just with everything going on, I haven’t made time for me to be close to God, and I’ve been feeling it. This weekend we tried out a different church than the one we’ve been attending since we got here. They have so many programs, and so many different groups, it seems like it might be a better fit for our family. We loved the service, it was awesome and such a great word. We filled out the first time visitors card, because well, we were first time visitors. One thing we checked off was interest in finding out more about their Women’s Ministry. So today I got a call from someone in their office who was just as sweet as she can be. We talked about the different groups and she’s going to have someone contact me from a couple of groups I’m interested in, they have a card making group, awesome, and a scrapbooking group, woohoo! They both meet monthly, which is awesome, and I can’t wait! Now, for the amazing part. They are also doing a Beth Moore Bible study on Tuesday nights. I’ve endevored to do a few Beth Moore studies, they’re awesome and so just amazing to participate in. I’ve never managed to make a whole one though, something always comes up or happens and I have to drop out. Well, the one they are working through right now is Believing God. I was so excited, because I really wanted to do that one, but didn’t even make it to the halfway point and something happened. So, she said she’d have the leader call me. I jumped off the phone and started digging around for my participant book and found it. I got through week 3 last time, that’s it. Week 3. I figured they’re probably already past that, but that’s ok, I’ll just start where they are and finish. Well, the leader called me within like 5 minutes and we talked. It was like talking to an old friend, she was so sweet and so nice. Then, she tells me, we just watched the week 3 video last week, and I burst into tears. I was so floored, is this not a work of God or what? This study is all about believing what God tells us, and I so need to remember to do that. Then, what does He do, but put me right at the perfect place at the perfect time. What an amazing God we serve!

Cooled off…

So it’s cooled off here in the desert. It’s gorgeous outside, cool in the mornings, highs of mid 80’s. I’m loving it! I keep expecting it to get hot again, but I’ve been assured that this is how it will be for a while, it will only get cooler before it gets hotter again. Hooray!

B had a rough morning today. He woke up crying, missing his dad. He asked me why they couldn’t go visit him last week. There was no school last week, it was fall break. How was I supposed to answer that? How am I supposed to comfort him when he hurts over that man like that. I think the bigger problem is that he called his dad on Saturday and never got a call back. Either way, I was at a loss as to how to comfort him through this. I just hugged him tight, assured him that we loved him, and told him I didn’t know why they couldn’t go last week, that we never talked about it, which is true as far as that goes. It hurts me so much when the kids hurt over things their dad does or doesn’t do. B was still crying when they left for school. This afternoon he’s bouncing off the walls, really hard too. I don’t know if it’s related or if it’s just a mood swing. That’s the thing with this disorder, you never know if it’s the disorder or if it’s just normal kid stuff.

Another thing, A learned about the Make A Wish foundation at school today. They are collecting pennies for them. She asked me if B would be eligible for a wish since he has bipolar disorder. I don’t know the answer to that. He got all excited about the idea of it though, so I might have to look further into this. Anyone have any insight?

Happy fall!

How did this happen?

I’ve answered the question, “why did you stay” plenty of times. No one ever asks how this happened though. I cannot think of one time when someone asked me how I found myself in that position.

There isn’t a simple answer to that question. It kind of sneaks up on you. You don’t wake up one morning and suddenly decide, “gee, I think I’d like to be in an abusive relationship.” For me, it was a combination of things. I was so insecure, and I was so young, and I just wanted someone to love me more than anything. I wanted someone to love me beyond reason. When we first started dating, he was so very attentive. He couldn’t stand to be away from me for any length of time. It was flattering, it fed into that need I had. That need to be loved, to be wanted.

Really it all goes back to the insecurity though. I was so insecure, even though I didn’t act it, inside I was just a scared kid. Of course, being 18, I could never admit that. I thought that I knew everything, and that if I just worked hard enough, it would work out. I never wanted to be abused, I never wanted to be hurt. I just wanted to be loved. He just didn’t know how to do that.

I could get into why he did it. His reasons, he was abused as a child, his mother was abused by his father and step-father, etc. etc. It doesnt really matter why he did it, it’s all just an excuse. In reality, he wanted someone that he could love in the only way he knew how, to control them. I was an easy target.

I hope someday that I will be able to help other women and girls to not be easy targets. To have enough sense of self and worth that they never wake up one morning with the thought of, “what am I living?”

911 what’s your emergency?

I called 911 once. I was pregnant with B, and D was probably about 8 months old. Once again, an argument had escalated. It ended up with me laying on the bed, D crying in the other room, and him choking me. I remember the feeling, not being able to get any air, thinking that this time he was going to really hurt me, the fear that perhaps I was going to die. I don’t know why he stopped, but he did. I was able to get up, but he grabbed D before I could. I just wanted to leave, and there was no way I was going to leave my baby with him after what he had just done. So I threatened, I said if he didn’t let me have D I was going to call 911. I even dialed it, but I didn’t press talk. He shoved the baby at me, I dropped the phone, grabbed the keys and ran out. I drove around aimlessly trying to figure out what to do for probably an hour. Eventually, I came to the realization, at least in my mind, that I had nowhere else to go. He was probably calmed down, I could go home now, he would be sorry and it would be ok. I was pregnant, with nowhere else to turn, so I thought. So I went back home.

He wasn’t furious anymore, but he wasn’t happy. Apparently in my haste to get out the door, in the process of dropping the phone, somehow I pressed the talk button and it called 911. He hung up, but of course, they sent out a unit anyway. He had told them that it was an accident, and that I would be back soon. They said they would come back by to check with me. When they came back by, I remember how scared I was. I didn’t want hi to get into any trouble, I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on in my house, I was so ashamed. I assured the two officers that I was ok. They stood at the door and talked to me. There was a man and a woman. I wish that they would have taken me outside to talk, where he couldn’t hear. I wonder sometimes if they really knew what happened, if they could see the fading red marks on my neck. There was nothing they could do though, I said he hadn’t hit me. They specifically asked that question, “did he hit you ma’am?” I assured them that he hadn’t and they left. I wonder though sometimes, what would have happened if I said yes, if I had told them exactly what had happened. You can’t go back and change the past, it’s over. Don’t wonder what would have happened, if you are there, don’t wonder, tell someone, before it’s too late…

Million Voices

Check out the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s Million Voices Campagin…

Can you lend your voice?

October

October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month, here are some statistics from the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s website. Please visit for more information, and to see how you can help, or get help. Please remember, it can happen to anyone…

The Harris Poll 2006

Approximately 8 in 10 (79%) respondents recall “seeing or hearing something” about domestic violence in the past year. Furthermore, 53 percent say that they have heard of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. This percentage increases substantially among those people who admit that they have been victims of domestic violence (71%).

A large majority (85%) agrees that “when a person forces his/her partner to have sex, it is an act of domestic violence.”

An 85% majority also agrees that “a man or woman who abuses his/her partner is more likely to also abuse children.”

Approximately 33 million (1) or 15% of all U.S. adults, admit that they were a victim of domestic violence. Furthermore, 6 in 10 adults claim that they know someone personally who has experienced domestic violence.

Among all adults, 39% say that they have experienced at least one of the following, with 54% saying that they haven’t experienced any:
Called bad names (31%)
Pushing, slapping, choking or hitting (21%)
Public humiliation (19%)
Keeping away from friends or family (13%)
Threatening your family (10%)
Forcing you to have sexual intercourse without consent (9%)

1. Based on July 2005 U.S. Census estimate released January 2006 (223,000,000 total U.S. adults aged 18 or over).

Out Loud

I am a survivor of domestic violence. I was a battered woman. I survived, but more than that, I have thrived, in spite of, and possibly in some ways because of what I went through. Those are such hard things to say out loud, yet I have to. I need to give them voice, to let them out. Let it be known that anyone can fall victim to this epidemic. The first time I said it out loud was the day I left. I still remember that so clearly. I remember being on the phone, I don’t remember what all was being said, but I knew, when I got home and he got home, it was going to be ugly.

It was Father’s Day weekend 2001. My ex had to work, so he was already in a foul mood. I went out of town to take the kids and visit my dad. It was about a 2 hour drive away, so we had stayed Saturday night with my mom. We were going to get up Sunday morning and go see Daddy, then head back to Houston. He wasn’t happy about this. Why should my dad get to see me and the kids when he had to be at work. The whole world revolved around him you see. But we had gone, and Sunday morning about 8:00 he called my mom’s house, demanding to know why we were still there, why hadn’t we gone to my dad’s yet, just really angry at me. I was so scared. I didn’t know what to do. I remember crying, and I remember when we hung up I was in the laundry room. My mom was there, and I believe my sister and my brother-in-law were standing there with me. I was crying so hard, and I looked at my mommy and said, “I don’t know what to do”, she replied that whatever I decided, she would help me, and I said, “I want to go back to the first time he hit me and make it all go away!” I cried out with so much pain, all the instances of abuse that I could remember, saying I wanted them to all go away. That was the first time I had ever spoken it aloud. I’ve said it several times now, that I am a survivor of domestic violence, that I was a battered wife, all those things, but I will never forget the feeling of saying it the first time. That fear that no one would believe me, or that they would blame me, and the relief that came when my mother wrapped me in her arms and said, “Oh baby, I love you.”