Transparency…

Have you ever noticed that although you can see through plastic wrap, it distorts whatever is inside?  Things look crinkly, or funny when viewed through it.  When you look through glass, there is no distortion though, or if there is, I’ve never noticed it.  Well, through my glasses things are distorted, but in a good way!  ;o)

I’ve been thinking a lot about transparency lately.  What does it mean for a person to be transparent?  How are we to be that way?  As a Christian, shouldn’t I strive to be more like glass than plastic wrap?  When we go to church, do we put on our plastic faces, or are we like glass, sharing and showing what is really going on in our lives?  I’ve worn the plastic face before.  Most of us probably have.  We don’t want to admit our brokenness.  Our need for God.  So many people today seem to think that since they are a Christian, they must not show that they are human.  We almost seem to want to show everyone else how wonderful things are, even when we hurt.  We all hurt.  We’ve all got trials.  Why not share them with your brothers and sisters in Christ?

In order to be willing to share, a person must feel safe.  That they can share.  That they won’t be judged or looked down upon.  In order for that to happen, they have to know that other people are hurting too.  That other people are just as broken and challenged in they are.  Not necessarily in the same way, but in one way or another.  We know that the Bible tells us all people have sinned, all people fall short of the Glory of God. (Romans 3:23)  I cannot speak for everyone else, but I tend to forget that.  As humans, we see the outside, we do not see the heart of other people, but we should.  That is part of being transparent.  Seeing a person’s heart, but in order to see it, they must let you.  They must be transparent, opening themselves up to show one another what their problems and trials are.  How they fall short.  How they hurt, how they are broken.  That goes back to feeling safe with one another.  It’s a vicious cycle.  How can I trust you, if you don’t trust me, but how can you trust me if I don’t trust you, etc. etc. etc.  Someone has to start.

I’ll go first… I’m human, I hurt, I fail, I struggle.  If you’ve read my blog before, you know some of my trials… I was in an abusive relationship, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, my son struggles with bipolar disorder, my husband was very ill earlier this year.  There is more than that though.  I struggle with prayer, making time daily to go to the Lord with praise, with hurts, with needs, for others.  I try, but I don’t always succeed, that’s part of my humanness.  I struggle with food.  In my first marriage when my husband turned angry, I would eat.  Not just over-eat, but binge.  I would drive through a fast food place, get several burgers, eat them so fast it would make your head spin, then go home and eat dinner so that no one would know I had already eaten, and so much.  I struggle with my self image.  Am I good enough?  Do people look at me differently because I’m over-weight?  Does that matter?  I struggle with reading the Bible as I should, I’m lazy, I don’t always do what I know is right.  Sometimes I do things for the wrong reasons, not putting God first, but putting my own needs and desires before His.  I spend too much money, not being a good steward of what God has given me.

This post wasn’t intended to be a confession of all my faults, but to encourage others to be transparent, to go to their brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask for whatever help they need.  Whether it is prayer, friendship, finances, whatever it is you are struggling with, take it to the cross, and take it to your brothers and sisters.  Part of being a family is helping one another, lifting one another up, supporting one another, and being that safe place for one another.  Family should be the one place that we can turn, when it seems that no one will understand, for support and help.  We cannot help one another if we aren’t transparent.  If we always put on our plastic faces and don’t let anyone see who we really are, and what our needs are.  What are your needs, how can your brothers and sisters lift you up, support you, and love you as Christ does?

in Him,

Tricia

Truth…

Truth, it is one of the most important things we have.  When you speak the truth, it frees you.  The ultimate Truth is Jesus Christ.  In the book of John Jesus says, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32.  Of course, Jesus was speaking to the Jews, about the Truth of God.  I think that all truth is important though, and freeing.  I believe we are freed from the past hurts in our lives by speaking the truth of them, and then letting them go.  That is what this post is about…

When I was a little girl, I was everybody’s baby.  Everyone spoiled me and loved me a great deal.  My family was and is truly a gift from God.  We were always so close and at Holidays, well, forget trying to find a place to sit, there were so many of us that the only place was the floor.  Of course, as people grow, things change, and that’s ok.  I miss the old days though, when we were always there for one another.  At least, that’s how it seemed to me when I was little.

As I got older, things changed, as they always do in life.  We moved, people got divorced, etc.  That’s ok too, it’s life.  God gives and He takes away.  God brings us to things to grow us and help us learn to rely only on Him for all our needs.  Since my divorce in 2001, and coming to Christ in 2003, that has been my focus, wholly relying on Him for everything.  I’ve learned that things we remember aren’t always what they seem though.  Beneath the happiness and love, there are often secrets and tears.  I have been the keeper of a secret, but it’s time to speak the truth and let it go.  I will not name names, I will not reveal more than I do here, so don’t ask.  While I might seem to be protecting the guilty party, I am really more protecting the rest of my family from hurting for something they had no control over, but might wish they would have.

There was a man in our family who I thought hung the moon.  I loved to go places with him.  He loved to take me places, at least, it seemed to me like he did.  I even wished at one point that he was my daddy, I thought he would have been a great daddy.  As I got older, he started to share things with me, things that at 8 or 9 years old, I didn’t need to know.  Things about his love for my mother, how he wished he could have married her instead of his wife.  He started telling me about love, and life, physical love, and life that is.  Let me step back for a minute to tell you something about me, since I was born, I have loved to be tickled.  Lightly, on my face, my feet, my back, I loved it.  When I was a baby and would cry, lightly tickling my face would calm me down almost instantly.  Everyone knew this, and everyone tickled me, it was just one of those things.  Well, this man would tickle me, and at one point, it got uncomfortable.  Not because it was physically uncomfortable, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with him touching me that way.  He assured me it was ok, but told me not to tell anyone, because they wouldn’t understand.  I didn’t want to make anyone mad, so I kept it to myself.  In 1984, he showed me the issue of Penthouse with Vanessa Williams in it.  I remember this so vividly.  I would have just turned 11 years old, because the issue was from September 1984.  I don’t know if I had ever seen pictures like that, not that I can remember.  Whenever he would take me places after that, I remember looking at the pictures.  One day, I was looking at them, when he walked in.  The unthinkable happened.  That was 25 years ago.

I never told anyone, until now.  No one.  I didn’t think anyone would believe me for one thing, for another, he loved me, therefore, he didn’t really mean to hurt me, there must have been something wrong with me to feel funny about it.  I don’t know if he ever loved any other young girls like he did me.  I pray not.  I do know that he is no longer in a position to hurt anyone.  I have struggled with keeping this secret, hiding this truth, for most of my life.  I realized in the past couple of months that the only person being hurt by hiding this truth is me.  I need to forgive him, and let go of the past, to be set free from it.  So I am.  I am speaking the truth, knowing that it will set me free from its hurt and control over me.  I am choosing to forgive him for the things he did to destroy my innocence and love.  I am clinging tightly to my Jesus, knowing that He is the Truth, and He truly sets me Free!!!