Cooled off…

So it’s cooled off here in the desert. It’s gorgeous outside, cool in the mornings, highs of mid 80’s. I’m loving it! I keep expecting it to get hot again, but I’ve been assured that this is how it will be for a while, it will only get cooler before it gets hotter again. Hooray!

B had a rough morning today. He woke up crying, missing his dad. He asked me why they couldn’t go visit him last week. There was no school last week, it was fall break. How was I supposed to answer that? How am I supposed to comfort him when he hurts over that man like that. I think the bigger problem is that he called his dad on Saturday and never got a call back. Either way, I was at a loss as to how to comfort him through this. I just hugged him tight, assured him that we loved him, and told him I didn’t know why they couldn’t go last week, that we never talked about it, which is true as far as that goes. It hurts me so much when the kids hurt over things their dad does or doesn’t do. B was still crying when they left for school. This afternoon he’s bouncing off the walls, really hard too. I don’t know if it’s related or if it’s just a mood swing. That’s the thing with this disorder, you never know if it’s the disorder or if it’s just normal kid stuff.

Another thing, A learned about the Make A Wish foundation at school today. They are collecting pennies for them. She asked me if B would be eligible for a wish since he has bipolar disorder. I don’t know the answer to that. He got all excited about the idea of it though, so I might have to look further into this. Anyone have any insight?

Happy fall!

psychologist…

So, we met with B’s new psychologist last week, no, the week before. Anyway, we met with him. He is awesome! I just hope B likes him too! When we mentioned the confusioin of the diagnosis, mood disorder vs bipolar, he said that it’s the same, which is what I had thought, but that many doctors still are of the opinion that bipolar disorder does not exist in children, so they wont’ use that diagnosis. Anyway, I think this Psychologist is going to be a good fit for B. )

So far school is going well for him. He’s had a couple of reports assigned now, and he’s not too crazy about that, but he’s working on it. He is doing really well in band too, much better than his mother did when she took band in 6th grade. ;o) He’s switched from the trumpet to the saxophone, and he really seems to be enjoying it. There are a couple of boys that he has made friends with, which is always hard for him, so we’re especially pleased with that. Fishing is his latest passion though. We have a catch & release pond in our community, and B would be up there every evening if he could. He fished the other night by himself for like an hour and a half, while we swam. The pool is right there near the pond thankfully. Last night Donovan took just him and he caught a good sized catfish apparently. Lost his hook though, but the fish had another hook stuck in it’s lip, so someone else had lost theirs as well. He caught some kind of fish last week that had teeth, he thinks it is a Pacu, which is related to the piranha. It amazes us how he cannot sit still for anything, but put a fishing pole in his hand and he’s good for hours it seems. ) It’s good that he’s found something he can enjoy so much!

Changes…

So we (B & I) saw the psychiatrist (pdoc) yesterday. She is very pleased with how well B is doing, although his lithium levels are still somewhat low. So, she increased his lithium dosage a bit. She has him taking the increase at bedtime, which she said might help him to sleep more, which would mean we can get him off one of his other meds. That is good imo. The fewer the medications the better.

As for me, we’ve noticed that the lithium doesn’t really seem to be doing much for me. She’s slowly increasing the anti-depressant I was on before, as well as bringing in another medication for depression. If this regimen seems to work, then we’ll slowly phase out the lithium. We see her again in two weeks.

That’s all the *medical* stuff. Someone asked me how I’m feeling though. It’s hard to be honest with that. Like most people, I want to wear the I’m good mask. When people ask how are you, I tend to say, OK. Or I’m good, things like that. In reality, I’m depressed. I’m more down than I’ve been in a Loooong time. I am functioning, but I have my moments. I would much rather sleep all day and not get up than actually get moving and do things. I’m really snippy/short tempered with everyone. Like Donovan says though, we’re working on it. I know that it’s a medical problem, and that there is a medication out there that will help, I’ve just got to find it. I have an appointment on the 23rd with a new therapist. That should help with dealing with things. One thing at a time. One day at a time. That’s the trick, just to do one thing at a time, one day at a time, as I can make myself get up and move. I did do some stampin’ the past few days. In fact, I’ve scheduled a class! Woohoo! Baby steps!!! What’s next…

Randomness…

I’m feeling random tonight!

I stamped 3 cards today! Hooray! Small signs of normalcy continue! Granted, they were cased from other people, but by golly, I stamped! They weren’t exact cases either, I changed some things on a couple of them! I know, this isn’t my *stampin’ blog* but oh well!

I’m doing better, not quite so irritable, although, that’s easy to say when I’ve been stampin’ all day, and the kids have all been off at friends houses swimming! Baby steps, right?

B & I both see the pdoc tomorrow. She got our lithium levels back last week and apparently they are still somewhat low. I don’t know if she’s going to want to increase again or not. I guess I’ll find that out tomorrow afternoon.

I got the sweetest e-mail today from my *niece* asking about B’s disorder and wanting to learn about it. I thought it was sweet that she’s so concerned. Just more proof that God is surrounding all of us with loving friends!

The real reason I came to post right now was because I was listening to my playlist earlier on my myspace page, and heard a song I haven’t heard in a LONG time! It’s called, “Set Me Free” by Casting Crowns. It’s an amazing song, and never fails to drive me to tears, big sobbing tears too! It so eloquently speaks to what living with depression and/or bipolar is like.

When we saw Casting Crowns in concert 2 1/2 years ago, I had just gotten home from my first hospitalization. When they sang this song, I really lost it. They started it out by reading from scripture, from Mark Chapter 5, the story of the man possessed by many demons. Then they went into this song, and I gotta tell you, I was blown away. It was such a moving and amazing moment! Anyway, earlier today when I was stamping and listening to my playlist and this song came on, it floored me just like it did 2 1/2 years ago. If you haven’t heard it, check out the video above…

It doesn’t matter what you call it…

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that the past month or so has been stressful, to say the least. You might say that last Sunday, my last thread finally snapped.

There were issues when we picked the kids up from their dad. I became very distraught, and eventually just lost it completely. When we got home, I had decided that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to leave. Donovan wasn’t buying into my thoughts though, and wouldn’t let me go. Instead, he called one of my friends over to help me. She came, and talked, listened, prayed, held me, let me cry and rant, then prayed some more, until finally, I calmed down and came inside. At which point, another friend called just to see how I was doing (she knew how stressed I had been) and when Donovan told her what was going on, she insisted on coming over for us. I was calm by the time she got here, well, calmer, but just knowing how much she cared, that she not only called just to check, but then came over, late at night, just to make sure and see if she could do anything for us!

Monday morning, Donovan called my psychiatrist for an appointment, and we got in to see her that afternoon. She could see how agitated I was, and after just a few minutes of talking knew that medication changes were needed. As upset and anxious as I was at that time, she suggested that I be admitted to a treatment center while my medications were adjusted. So, that is where I was from Monday the 31st until Saturday, the 5th.

I spoke with the treating psychiatrist on Tuesday morning, and he suggested that we take me off the anti-depressant that I was on, and try a more aggressive medication. He put me on Lithium and Invega starting Tuesday night. Being hospitalized while this was going on, they were able to take me off the anti-depressant VERY quickly. Normally you have to step down slowly, but by Friday I was no longer taking the anti-depressant. I’ve seen a difference in my moods and anxiety since probably Thursday. It’s getting progressively better. Lithium can take a couple of weeks to reach a constant therapeutic level from my understanding, so I’m still anxious at times, but I’m coping with it better and better each day.

I saw my outpatient psychiatrist today, and she immediately commented as to how much better I look today than I did a week ago. Tomorrow I go to have blood drawn. With Lithium, they have to draw your blood somewhat frequently at first, to check the levels. There should be a certain level of Lithium in your blood, what they call the “therapeutic level”. When they checked them in the hospital on Thursday, I was a little low, but since the med has to build up, it should be about right now based on previous experience and knowledge of the medication. If the levels are good, I won’t see the doc again until next Monday, if there is a problem, she’ll call me to come in sooner.

We discussed diagnosis with the psychiatrist today. When I was hospitalized back in 2005, the diagnosis they gave me at that time was *Bipolar II*, how they explained that was bipolar without full blown mania. My outpatient psychiatrist wasn’t convinced of that, and tends to lean more towards PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the abuse, anxiety and major depression. This time I left the hospital again with a diagnosis of *Bipolar II*, however, I have a better understanding of what that is because of all the reading I’ve done due to B’s diagnosis. My outpatient psychiatrist still isn’t convinced that I meet diagnostic criteria for a Bipolar Spectrum Disorder, however, she said today that it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you treat the symptoms that are present, and base the treatment plan on the symptoms and such, not on just a diagnosis.

God has so blessed us with such wonderful friends, through this whole ordeal, my friends have been so amazingly awesome! You all know who you are, but I have to say how wonderful you all have been and continue to be. From watching my children, homeschooling one of them for us, making arrangements for them to be picked up from school, calling the church to let them know what was going on, bringing dinner, being here, calling and checking on us, and most importantly, praying, non-stop. Without even being asked at times, you have known what we needed, and been there no matter what the request, how big or small. You truly are what friends are, and you totally get what it means to say, “it’s in the job description”!!! Thank you to each of you, more than I can ever express. God truly blessed me when He brought each of you into my life, and I am so thankful!

Increased…

Thursday night was rough. B came in from outside just furious, according to him, another child’s dad had yelled at him and threatened to “kick his a##”. He was insistent that we talk to his other friend who witnessed the whole thing. Donovan & I talked it over, what do we do? We know that B sometimes perceives things as more threatening than they are, and that when that happens, it’s real to him, nothing we do can change his mind about it, he’s completely inflexible about it. We thought about going over and talking to the parent, explaining what is going on, we just weren’t sure. There is such a stigma with this disorder, people hear “Bipolar” and think horrible things. It’s not very well understood by doctors yet, so it’s definitely not understood by most people who haven’t’ dealt with it. I don’t know if we’re ready to educate the neighborhood at this point though, we’re still learning! Donovan had to run to the store, and on his way, happened to see the other little boy outside playing. He asked him what had happened, and he said that the man had come out, told them to leave his daughter alone, and get off his property. He wasn’t yelling, didn’t swear or threaten anyone. Again a case of feeling threatened and locking onto that, needing that control over the situation. When Donovan got home everything was fine, B had calmed down and was playing w/ his brother. A little bit later though, everything exploded. B had yelled at D for something and D asked him to leave his room, at which point B totally lost it. He was furious, cussing, calling names, the whole nine yards. He was not being physical at least, and we were so thankful for that! From that point on though, he was being very defiant and angry. He didn’t want to shower, he didn’t want to go to bed. We told him that he needed to calm down, and take a break. He wasn’t being physical so we left him alone. The next thing you know, he’s in the shower. I went to tell him it was time to get out, and he had no towel. When I asked him about it, he fell apart crying that he was sorry and just stupid. I reassured him as best as I could, and he got out. Then he was ok for the most part.

Yesterday the psychiatrist had us increase B’s dosage on his new med to 2x a day. She received the blood work back, and his level was at a 0.3, therapeutic levels are around 1.0-1.2. So now he is getting 300mg of Lithium in the morning, and again in the evening. Hopefully this will get him where he needs to be and we’ll start seeing more stability and control. He started getting the increased dosage yesterday.

The kids went to their dad’s today. They were all excited about going and seeing him and their little brother. They are supposed to go to a place that’s kind of like Malibu Castle. Hopefully it won’t be too much for B to handle. He doesn’t usually have episodes at his dad’s, but I think the stress of holding it together there is rough on him, and we’ve usually got a rough day or two when he gets home. We shall see how it goes!

Finally…

I’m finally making time to sit down, write a blog post, catch up on e-mail and try to be *normal* for a few minutes. Donovan & B are outside mowing the lawn, so it’s relatively quiet in here for a little bit. I could lay down and nap really, but I shouldn’t. Sleeping during the day is not helpful when one cannot sleep at night.

So B has been home for a week. It’s been a very up and down and all around week. It has been a good week for the most part. Sunday night was rough. There were issues with the shower, then with getting to bed. He finally fell asleep though thankfully. This week has been good, yesterday during school was an issue, he did not like one of his assignments, which led to it being torn up. He then drew a picture of him beating us up because he was angry. He didn’t want me to see it, but I told him I needed to. He asked if I was mad, and I assured him I was not mad at him, just worried. Once he calmed down, he asked for another worksheet, and completed it no problems. He didn’t want to do his math either, but eventually did that as well.

We saw the psychiatrist yesterday. No med changes at this point, but she did send us to the lab first thing this morning to have his levels checked. We go back to see her in 2 weeks (on April 9th), unless something happens and we need in sooner. She talked to him a lot about changes and him working on his behavior. He was of the mindset that he doesn’t want to work. He knows he has bipolar, and that’s all he needs to know. She voiced the concern that possibly he came home from the hospital too soon. He didn’t like that idea at all. She explained to him that if he isn’t going to do his part to try to get better, that he can go back, possibly a partial program, where he is there during the day for school and such, then home at night. The other possibility would be the residential program, where basically he would live there. He said he definitely did not want to go back, and would do his best. We told him that is all we can ask, is that he try too. Definitely a relief that he seems to understand his part in treatment and therapy.

The other thing that came out of the psychiatry appointment yesterday is an appointment with a Psychologist for Neuro-Psych testing, Praise God! We have an appointment on the 3rd of April for the consultation. She will discuss the diagnosis, visit with us and B, then determine exactly what tests she will run. Then we will actually set the appointment for the testing. She does testing on Friday mornings, so I’m hoping it won’t be too long of a wait until he gets the testing done, because there will be about 2 weeks for the test results to come back. Then we will go back to learn about the results, and what we can do to deal with that. If you are reading this, and have any suggestions about tests, please let me know!

Today we saw the counselor. We had a good session as a family, then Donovan & I went out in the waiting room while B had individual counseling. He’s really amped today. Lots of energy and excitement. When we were talking to the counselor, he couldn’t sit still. Kept getting toys off the shelf, or bouncing a ball around the room. It was like he was one of those wind up toys, he just kept going on and on and on. He’s outside working off some energy right now though.

Everything else is going ok. It’s an adjustment for all of us. We’ve discussed the disorder with A & D. They don’t really understand fully though what it means, and I think it’s going to be harder on them than any of us realized. While Donovan & I are having to adjust our parenting style to suit B’s needs, D & A don’t understand. They have both voiced the opinion that we are treating B differently than them, and they feel insecure. Again, one of those things that just take adjustment and time to get used to. We just keep having to reassure them that we love all 3 of them the same, but that B has needs that are different from theirs, and we all have to work together to help him. It’s a long road ahead of us.

God will lead us through I know, and we’ll all come out stronger in the end….

He’s home…

Hooray! We got the call that the doctor had discharged B at about 9:00 this morning! We picked him up at 11:00, it was the quickest hospital discharge I think I’ve ever seen! We were out of there by 11:30!!! We stopped for lunch on the way home, Long John Silver’s (B’s choice). He was so happy to be coming home! He’s seemed very anxious today, difficulty making decisions, worrying that someone is mad at him. One of his friend’s came by and wanted him to go outside. B told him no thank you, he had just got home. Then B told me that he didn’t want to go outside, he wanted to stay with his mommy!

I think the most awesome display of excitement came from the dog though! When B walked through the door, I swear that Chip jumped up and could have landed on B’s head! He bounced and bounced at him, soooo excited! Everyone missed B while he was away!

Tomorrow morning we are going to my mom’s for Easter. The kids are all excited! I am too, more than anything though, I’m tired at this point. It’s been a long two weeks w/ B in the hospital, but he’s home now, and I’m better.

Happy Easter!!!

Good visit…

We had a great visit w/ B tonight! We called on the way, to let them know that we were bringing dinner for him. Somehow, the message got lost, so he had already eaten, but he ate a couple of onion rings, and totally enjoyed the vanilla shake. He was really in a good mood. He spoke w/ the doctor today, who told him that he will be going home either tomorrow after our family session, or Friday. He is really excited about that. We walked around the grounds. He & Donovan played *ball* with the little seed-type things. It was so awesome to see B playing and enjoying himself.

He told us that they are going to take blood tomorrow. He wasn’t nervous about that at all. According to him, it hurts more to get a shot than to have blood taken. This difference is because when you get a shot they are putting stuff in, not taking it out, according to him anyway. We talked some about how with his new medication, he will probably be having blood drawn quite often at first, and why. He seemed interested in how the meds need to be kept at a certain level in his blood. We also talked about how he gets hot at night, and can’t sleep. I was telling him that I have learned that he gets so hot because of the disorder, he seemed to find that interesting as well. I pointed out to him that since we now know there is a neurological disorder involved, we can focus on finding the right medication(s) and therapies to help deal with things.

He got down when it was time to go in, and he said he didn’t feel well. We talked through it though. I reminded him that he just needed to hang on a couple of more days. He was good when we left.

Now we’re just praying that the family session in the morning goes well. Hopefully my questions about blood levels, medication levels, dosing schedules, etc., will all be answered. If not, then I will make sure they are before we leave the hospital with him.

I’m hoping to find some support groups here locally that we can participate in before we move. I’m also looking forward to when we move, and what is available out there as well. So many changes going on, it’s exciting! I’m really feeling hopeful at this point! This diagnosis is just the beginning, of a looong road, but it is the beginning of help for my baby boy! Which is ultimately, help for our whole family.

Thank you Jesus for holding us through this, we could not make it without your love and support holding us up. People keep asking me how I’m doing, and I say I’ve got a few threads left. I do, and they are all being held in the hand of the Savior! Praise God for doctors and scientists who are studying the brain, and trying to find a cure for this disorder! Thank you for bringing us through this, let it bring glory to you God!

Friday?

Yesterday I got a call from the therapist, we have a family session scheduled for Thursday at 11:00 am. She said the doctor requested it, and said that he will probably go home after the session. Probably NOT Thursday, but Friday.

Last night when we visited, B was NOT happy to hear that he would be there until Friday. We visited for about 8 minutes, and then he just walked out. He was very upset that we can’t just take him home now. One thing that I am learning about this disorder is that the need for instant gratification B has is not just him, that is part of the disorder. He did call me last night though, he was quite hyper when he called, but he got sad at one point, he was calling to tell me he was sorry for walking away, and for being angry. I told him he doesn’t need to apologize for being angry, he has the right to be angry and frustrated, I understand that. I am glad that he walked away, rather than lost control. Then of course, he was done talking, and wanted to go watch his movie. lol

I’m praying for a better visit tonight when we go.