Not sure…

Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior & my God. Psalm 42:5

Not sure what to write about tonight.  I could pick any one of several topics, and have even had a couple suggested to me, but I just can’t get my head around that right now.  I’m getting that panicky antsy feeling again.  The new medication is helping, but it’s not cutting all the irritability.  I just want to go to bed and sleep.  I haven’t felt this way all day, it’s snuck up on me really quickly tonight. 

I was ok earlier, I’ve been unmounting stamps all day, and have gotten quite a few done, 26 sets unmounted and stored.  Who knows how many more to go!  I’ve discovered that the easiest way to get the rubber off the foam is to put them in the freezer for about 20 minutes.  I read that in a post on Splitcoast Stampers, but I don’t remember the poster.  If it was you, thank you thank you thank you!  It has been so much easier than trying to microwave them!  Here is a quick picture of what my new storage system will be…

Unmounted storage basket - 26 sets in there!

All of a sudden though, I just started feeling really blah.  That’s the only way I know how to describe it, just blah.  Then irritability set in.  Once I realized what was happening, I had a mini panic attack.  Took an anxiety pill and I’m ok now, just feel tired.  Part of that is probably from the medication, the other part is probably because I’ve been up all day, and I mean since like 6:00 am.  I guess I’m just so worried about the possibility of a recurrence of what happened last month that it’s making me more anxious. 

B got a guitar today.  We are borrowing an acoustic from Donovan’s little sister for him to learn on for a bit, and once he’s had some lessons and is doing good, we are going to move to an electric.  Starting with baby steps though.  He’s over the moon excited about having one.  He had lessons a couple of years ago and didn’t last very long.  He says this time is different though because he wants to take the lessons, last time he just wanted to make someone else happy.  We shall see how long it lasts this time.

Bible study is tomorrow.  That will be so good.  I love the group of women that the Lord has put in my life.  They have been such a lifeline for me the past few months, it’s unreal.  I so look forward to each time we meet.  We are studying the Gospel of John this time, an inductive study, and I’m so looking forward to it.  I love getting into the Word, each time I read something I get a new message from God about what He is trying to tell me and teach me.  God’s Word is so alive.  I love doing topical studies, don’t get me wrong, but as someone once said to me, there is nothing like getting into the Word itself, not depending on what a teacher has written about and what they got from the Word, but totally depending on the Holy Spirit to move you and reveal God’s purpose for that verse at that particular time in your life.

I posted a verse at the top, which totally explains how I am feeling right now.  Downcast and worried.  I know though that I need to put my hope in God, for He is the One who can make it all better.  Praises to You Father for that!

in Him,

Trish

A funny thing…

Depression is a funny thing.  Two weeks ago I was so down.  I was ready to throw in the towel, I wanted God to take me home.  I didn’t want to play this game called life anymore.  Fortunately, God has other plans.  Thanks to my hubby’s determination I saw the doc, got a med change, went about my life, one day, sometimes one minute at a time, and mostly, I prayed. 

Prayer is a funny thing.  We don’t always get immediate answers, sometimes, God doesn’t answer at all, sometimes He just quietly sits and listens, letting us find our own answers.  Other times, He gently tells us that He loves us so much, and He wants us to just let go and let Him take it all on for us.  Then again, at other times, He can be quite direct and blunt, telling us in no uncertain terms that He wants something different for us, and after all, He is God, so He knows best.  No matter how He answers though, He always loves us, of that I am absolutely certain. 

Life as a whole is a funny thing.  I think the writer of Forrest Gump said it best, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”  You don’t really.  Sometimes we think we do, we think, or at least I think, that I have it all figured out.  Things are going to happen a certain way, and then, Kaboom!!!!  The bottom falls out of my plans, or I trip and land on my face, or sometimes, it even feels like someone has kicked me in the back of the knee, causing me to fall.  The thing is though, no matter what causes me to stumble and fall, God is right there, loving me, and urging me on.

Lots of things are funny, but then again, isn’t laughter the best medicine?  Go giggle, and thank God for the gift of laughter and humor!

in Him,

Trish

Changes…

So we (B & I) saw the psychiatrist (pdoc) yesterday. She is very pleased with how well B is doing, although his lithium levels are still somewhat low. So, she increased his lithium dosage a bit. She has him taking the increase at bedtime, which she said might help him to sleep more, which would mean we can get him off one of his other meds. That is good imo. The fewer the medications the better.

As for me, we’ve noticed that the lithium doesn’t really seem to be doing much for me. She’s slowly increasing the anti-depressant I was on before, as well as bringing in another medication for depression. If this regimen seems to work, then we’ll slowly phase out the lithium. We see her again in two weeks.

That’s all the *medical* stuff. Someone asked me how I’m feeling though. It’s hard to be honest with that. Like most people, I want to wear the I’m good mask. When people ask how are you, I tend to say, OK. Or I’m good, things like that. In reality, I’m depressed. I’m more down than I’ve been in a Loooong time. I am functioning, but I have my moments. I would much rather sleep all day and not get up than actually get moving and do things. I’m really snippy/short tempered with everyone. Like Donovan says though, we’re working on it. I know that it’s a medical problem, and that there is a medication out there that will help, I’ve just got to find it. I have an appointment on the 23rd with a new therapist. That should help with dealing with things. One thing at a time. One day at a time. That’s the trick, just to do one thing at a time, one day at a time, as I can make myself get up and move. I did do some stampin’ the past few days. In fact, I’ve scheduled a class! Woohoo! Baby steps!!! What’s next…

Randomness…

I’m feeling random tonight!

I stamped 3 cards today! Hooray! Small signs of normalcy continue! Granted, they were cased from other people, but by golly, I stamped! They weren’t exact cases either, I changed some things on a couple of them! I know, this isn’t my *stampin’ blog* but oh well!

I’m doing better, not quite so irritable, although, that’s easy to say when I’ve been stampin’ all day, and the kids have all been off at friends houses swimming! Baby steps, right?

B & I both see the pdoc tomorrow. She got our lithium levels back last week and apparently they are still somewhat low. I don’t know if she’s going to want to increase again or not. I guess I’ll find that out tomorrow afternoon.

I got the sweetest e-mail today from my *niece* asking about B’s disorder and wanting to learn about it. I thought it was sweet that she’s so concerned. Just more proof that God is surrounding all of us with loving friends!

The real reason I came to post right now was because I was listening to my playlist earlier on my myspace page, and heard a song I haven’t heard in a LONG time! It’s called, “Set Me Free” by Casting Crowns. It’s an amazing song, and never fails to drive me to tears, big sobbing tears too! It so eloquently speaks to what living with depression and/or bipolar is like.

When we saw Casting Crowns in concert 2 1/2 years ago, I had just gotten home from my first hospitalization. When they sang this song, I really lost it. They started it out by reading from scripture, from Mark Chapter 5, the story of the man possessed by many demons. Then they went into this song, and I gotta tell you, I was blown away. It was such a moving and amazing moment! Anyway, earlier today when I was stamping and listening to my playlist and this song came on, it floored me just like it did 2 1/2 years ago. If you haven’t heard it, check out the video above…

It doesn’t matter what you call it…

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that the past month or so has been stressful, to say the least. You might say that last Sunday, my last thread finally snapped.

There were issues when we picked the kids up from their dad. I became very distraught, and eventually just lost it completely. When we got home, I had decided that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to leave. Donovan wasn’t buying into my thoughts though, and wouldn’t let me go. Instead, he called one of my friends over to help me. She came, and talked, listened, prayed, held me, let me cry and rant, then prayed some more, until finally, I calmed down and came inside. At which point, another friend called just to see how I was doing (she knew how stressed I had been) and when Donovan told her what was going on, she insisted on coming over for us. I was calm by the time she got here, well, calmer, but just knowing how much she cared, that she not only called just to check, but then came over, late at night, just to make sure and see if she could do anything for us!

Monday morning, Donovan called my psychiatrist for an appointment, and we got in to see her that afternoon. She could see how agitated I was, and after just a few minutes of talking knew that medication changes were needed. As upset and anxious as I was at that time, she suggested that I be admitted to a treatment center while my medications were adjusted. So, that is where I was from Monday the 31st until Saturday, the 5th.

I spoke with the treating psychiatrist on Tuesday morning, and he suggested that we take me off the anti-depressant that I was on, and try a more aggressive medication. He put me on Lithium and Invega starting Tuesday night. Being hospitalized while this was going on, they were able to take me off the anti-depressant VERY quickly. Normally you have to step down slowly, but by Friday I was no longer taking the anti-depressant. I’ve seen a difference in my moods and anxiety since probably Thursday. It’s getting progressively better. Lithium can take a couple of weeks to reach a constant therapeutic level from my understanding, so I’m still anxious at times, but I’m coping with it better and better each day.

I saw my outpatient psychiatrist today, and she immediately commented as to how much better I look today than I did a week ago. Tomorrow I go to have blood drawn. With Lithium, they have to draw your blood somewhat frequently at first, to check the levels. There should be a certain level of Lithium in your blood, what they call the “therapeutic level”. When they checked them in the hospital on Thursday, I was a little low, but since the med has to build up, it should be about right now based on previous experience and knowledge of the medication. If the levels are good, I won’t see the doc again until next Monday, if there is a problem, she’ll call me to come in sooner.

We discussed diagnosis with the psychiatrist today. When I was hospitalized back in 2005, the diagnosis they gave me at that time was *Bipolar II*, how they explained that was bipolar without full blown mania. My outpatient psychiatrist wasn’t convinced of that, and tends to lean more towards PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the abuse, anxiety and major depression. This time I left the hospital again with a diagnosis of *Bipolar II*, however, I have a better understanding of what that is because of all the reading I’ve done due to B’s diagnosis. My outpatient psychiatrist still isn’t convinced that I meet diagnostic criteria for a Bipolar Spectrum Disorder, however, she said today that it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you treat the symptoms that are present, and base the treatment plan on the symptoms and such, not on just a diagnosis.

God has so blessed us with such wonderful friends, through this whole ordeal, my friends have been so amazingly awesome! You all know who you are, but I have to say how wonderful you all have been and continue to be. From watching my children, homeschooling one of them for us, making arrangements for them to be picked up from school, calling the church to let them know what was going on, bringing dinner, being here, calling and checking on us, and most importantly, praying, non-stop. Without even being asked at times, you have known what we needed, and been there no matter what the request, how big or small. You truly are what friends are, and you totally get what it means to say, “it’s in the job description”!!! Thank you to each of you, more than I can ever express. God truly blessed me when He brought each of you into my life, and I am so thankful!

Ramblings

Things are so busy around here right now! The kids are settling into a routine thank goodness!

We haven’t had any major issues at school, the only problem thus far has been lack of self control when it’s not time to talk on B’s part. I’m so thankful for that!

I took D to school this morning instead of him riding the bus. There was a Student Council meeting this morning, and he’s decided that he wants to be involved in Student Council. I was so proud watching him walk into the school this morning. You see, when I was his age, I would never have had the nerve to go to a meeting like that unless I knew that some of my friends were going, and even then I don’t know if I would have actually gone or not. I was so biting my lip this morning so that I wouldn’t push my own fears and insecurities off onto him. It’s so amazing to me that all three of them are so secure. I hope that means I’m doing something right!

Yesterday was a bad day for me. September has been a hard month for me the past few years. I don’t know why yet, but I’m working on that. Yesterday I had a semi-panic attack. The first I’ve had in a LONG time. It was so scary. I so don’t want to be back where I was before. It’ s so easy for me to hear all the negative self talk, and run with it. I’m constantly battling that. I have to remind myself continuously that I am a child of the King, and that He loves me, and made me who I am, for His glory. I was listening to the new Casting Crowns CD this morning after I dropped D off. At first, I wasn’t really fond of it. But the more I listen, the more I hear God talking to me through these songs. He did the same thing with their last CD Lifesong, but The Altar and The Door is so where I am now. I hear the lyrics to the title song, and to the song Somewhere In The Middle, and that is exactly what I am feeling. I KNOW that I need to fall into God, but somewhere in the middle of that knowledge, I am afraid to lose control. For a long time I had very little control of anything in my life. Now that I’m in a completely different situation, it’s hard for me to let go, and let God take over. I want to, which is I think, the first step. Now I need to take that second step and let Him have it. Trust that He truly does know what is best, and that He will care for me.

I remember when Christina first started talking to me about her relationship with Christ. I was so amazed by her faith. I realized that what I’ve always been looking for, that unconditional, sacrificial love was right there for me. That what I’ve searched for was Christ, I just didn’t know it. I remember that feeling of surrender. Somewhere along the way, I’ve gotten caught back up in the world, and what I’m supposed to be according to those standards. I don’t want to be that anymore, I don’t want to judge myself by the world’s standards. I need to remember that I am, “Fearfully & Wonderfully Made” (Psalm 139:14).

This is where YOU come in. I need prayer. I’m setting out on a journey that is hard for me, I’m going somewhere that I have never been, and I can only get there with God. I need for you my friend, to pray for me. It’s so hard to ask for people to help you, and to ask for prayer should be easy, but it’s not. As a human, I want people to like me, to see me as strong and capable. But I’m not. I am not strong, nor am I capable, except through the strength of Christ, my Savior. I ask you to please pray for me, that I will stay in the Word, that I will rely fully on my Lord to pull me out of this darkness I feel myself sinking into. I ask that you please pray that God will help me to eat only when I am hungry, not when I am sad or upset. That I will use food as fuel and nourishment for my body, not as a false god to hold me up when I am down.

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever said to anyone, and I feel somehow like I’m taking the easy out by posting this here instead of calling all my friends and speaking to them in person. Baby steps though, right? Love you all…