Transparency…

Have you ever noticed that although you can see through plastic wrap, it distorts whatever is inside?  Things look crinkly, or funny when viewed through it.  When you look through glass, there is no distortion though, or if there is, I’ve never noticed it.  Well, through my glasses things are distorted, but in a good way!  ;o)

I’ve been thinking a lot about transparency lately.  What does it mean for a person to be transparent?  How are we to be that way?  As a Christian, shouldn’t I strive to be more like glass than plastic wrap?  When we go to church, do we put on our plastic faces, or are we like glass, sharing and showing what is really going on in our lives?  I’ve worn the plastic face before.  Most of us probably have.  We don’t want to admit our brokenness.  Our need for God.  So many people today seem to think that since they are a Christian, they must not show that they are human.  We almost seem to want to show everyone else how wonderful things are, even when we hurt.  We all hurt.  We’ve all got trials.  Why not share them with your brothers and sisters in Christ?

In order to be willing to share, a person must feel safe.  That they can share.  That they won’t be judged or looked down upon.  In order for that to happen, they have to know that other people are hurting too.  That other people are just as broken and challenged in they are.  Not necessarily in the same way, but in one way or another.  We know that the Bible tells us all people have sinned, all people fall short of the Glory of God. (Romans 3:23)  I cannot speak for everyone else, but I tend to forget that.  As humans, we see the outside, we do not see the heart of other people, but we should.  That is part of being transparent.  Seeing a person’s heart, but in order to see it, they must let you.  They must be transparent, opening themselves up to show one another what their problems and trials are.  How they fall short.  How they hurt, how they are broken.  That goes back to feeling safe with one another.  It’s a vicious cycle.  How can I trust you, if you don’t trust me, but how can you trust me if I don’t trust you, etc. etc. etc.  Someone has to start.

I’ll go first… I’m human, I hurt, I fail, I struggle.  If you’ve read my blog before, you know some of my trials… I was in an abusive relationship, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, my son struggles with bipolar disorder, my husband was very ill earlier this year.  There is more than that though.  I struggle with prayer, making time daily to go to the Lord with praise, with hurts, with needs, for others.  I try, but I don’t always succeed, that’s part of my humanness.  I struggle with food.  In my first marriage when my husband turned angry, I would eat.  Not just over-eat, but binge.  I would drive through a fast food place, get several burgers, eat them so fast it would make your head spin, then go home and eat dinner so that no one would know I had already eaten, and so much.  I struggle with my self image.  Am I good enough?  Do people look at me differently because I’m over-weight?  Does that matter?  I struggle with reading the Bible as I should, I’m lazy, I don’t always do what I know is right.  Sometimes I do things for the wrong reasons, not putting God first, but putting my own needs and desires before His.  I spend too much money, not being a good steward of what God has given me.

This post wasn’t intended to be a confession of all my faults, but to encourage others to be transparent, to go to their brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask for whatever help they need.  Whether it is prayer, friendship, finances, whatever it is you are struggling with, take it to the cross, and take it to your brothers and sisters.  Part of being a family is helping one another, lifting one another up, supporting one another, and being that safe place for one another.  Family should be the one place that we can turn, when it seems that no one will understand, for support and help.  We cannot help one another if we aren’t transparent.  If we always put on our plastic faces and don’t let anyone see who we really are, and what our needs are.  What are your needs, how can your brothers and sisters lift you up, support you, and love you as Christ does?

in Him,

Tricia

Jesus, a magic eraser and the toaster…

We have a chrome toaster.  Very pretty when we got it, so shiny!  I love shiny!  The thing is though, as it’s been used, it’s gotten not so shiny.  In fact, I discovered today that it has gotten just downright gross.  The chrome was coated in that greasy residue that somehow collects on things in the kitchen.  It’s filled with crumbs and gunk.  Just nasty.  I started to clean it first with a sponge, and that didn’t work very well.  I was all ready to just chunk it in the garbage, how on earth can something so nasty ever be clean again?  It’s been a good toaster, but maybe it’s time to move on, perhaps it’s just too dirty.  I decided to try a magic eraser as a last ditch effort to clean the toaster.  WOW!  I knew those things were good, but man!  The grease just came right off.  Didn’t take hardly any elbow grease.  I was amazed!  It’s like new!  So shiny again!  

As I was wiping the toaster dry, it hit me, that’s what Jesus does for us!  He wipes us clean!  He is like the ultimate magic eraser!  Then, something else hit me, I’m like this toaster!  Dirty, worn out, seemingly past it’s usefulness, then, along comes Christ!  I opened my heart to Him, and BAM!  He wiped all the gunk and dirt away!  That’s what He does for us!  He cleans us, making us good as new!  But, not really.  He does even more than that!  While the magic eraser cleaned the outside of the toaster great, I can’t get the inside with it.  It’s still full of crumbs.  Jesus even gets the insides of us clean!  He comes in and washes us pure, really, makes us better than we ever were, because He took our dirt and grime and grease and gunk on Himself at Calvary!  While the magic eraser is a great tool, it’s nothing compared to Jesus!  The toaster will get dirty again, and I’ll have to attack it with yet another magic eraser.  Jesus washes us clean once and for all times!  Our salvation through Him at the cross is complete.  We don’t have to go back to Him over and over for the same thing, it’s done.  When He said, “It is finished” He meant it.  It is finished, clean, never to be undone.  Once we make that transaction, accepting what He did for us, we are clean, in a way that is unimaginable!  What we must do is accept that.  The toaster doesn’t have a brain, it doesn’t know that it was once dirty.  We do.  We remember our failures, our dirt, our grime and grease.  He cleans us, wipes us shiny again, so to speak, outside and in, but we have to accept it.  The toaster does not have to accept it’s cleanliness or dirtiness, it just is.  We on the other hand, being capable of intelligent thought, sometimes anyway, remember it all.  We have to accept His washing away of our sludge and dirt.  Once we fully accept that, we can shine!

One last note, I noticed these markings on the side of the toaster as I was wiping it dry…

The ICTHUS on the side of the toaster...

What an amazing God we serve that He would use a toaster and a magic eraser to reinforce His amazing love for us!

Sssshhh!

Quiet time, do you make time for it?  I try, but I have to confess I’m not very good at it.  I want to, but *something* always seems to get in the way.  I need to be more disciplined.  God tells us to have quiet time, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46:10  This is when I get refreshed, rejuvenated, feel drawn in and so close to God, when I get still, quiet, worshipful, and exalt Him.  The feeling of being on your face before the Lord in worship is indescribable.  I want that feeling all the time.  So then why do I let those *somethings* get in the way you ask?  Laziness, fear, business, pride, all of this and so much more.  It all comes down to the enemy though.  He wants to keep me from having that time.  He wants to keep me from worshipping my creator, sustainer, counselor, deliverer, my best friend.  If Satan can keep one Christian from their quiet time, with whatever excuse he provides and uses, then he will grab onto that and hold on for dear life.  I have strongholds, I know this.  I am not perfect, I don’t think I’m a good Christian, I don’t think anyone can claim that title, because we are all sinners and all fall short of perfection.  What I also know is that God wants to deliver me from those strongholds, if I will just do my part.  I have to fight against the enemy with all I have and all I am.  I have to put on the full armor of God as Paul says in Ephesians 6:11.  I must put on my armor, which I hope is pink and sparkly ;o), and fight against everything that would draw me away from my time with my Lord.  Can you do it too?  Can you take up your armor, whatever color yours is, and fight against the enemy and his forces?  I think you can, I will be praying for you, and with you…

in Him,

Tricia

Not sure…

Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior & my God. Psalm 42:5

Not sure what to write about tonight.  I could pick any one of several topics, and have even had a couple suggested to me, but I just can’t get my head around that right now.  I’m getting that panicky antsy feeling again.  The new medication is helping, but it’s not cutting all the irritability.  I just want to go to bed and sleep.  I haven’t felt this way all day, it’s snuck up on me really quickly tonight. 

I was ok earlier, I’ve been unmounting stamps all day, and have gotten quite a few done, 26 sets unmounted and stored.  Who knows how many more to go!  I’ve discovered that the easiest way to get the rubber off the foam is to put them in the freezer for about 20 minutes.  I read that in a post on Splitcoast Stampers, but I don’t remember the poster.  If it was you, thank you thank you thank you!  It has been so much easier than trying to microwave them!  Here is a quick picture of what my new storage system will be…

Unmounted storage basket - 26 sets in there!

All of a sudden though, I just started feeling really blah.  That’s the only way I know how to describe it, just blah.  Then irritability set in.  Once I realized what was happening, I had a mini panic attack.  Took an anxiety pill and I’m ok now, just feel tired.  Part of that is probably from the medication, the other part is probably because I’ve been up all day, and I mean since like 6:00 am.  I guess I’m just so worried about the possibility of a recurrence of what happened last month that it’s making me more anxious. 

B got a guitar today.  We are borrowing an acoustic from Donovan’s little sister for him to learn on for a bit, and once he’s had some lessons and is doing good, we are going to move to an electric.  Starting with baby steps though.  He’s over the moon excited about having one.  He had lessons a couple of years ago and didn’t last very long.  He says this time is different though because he wants to take the lessons, last time he just wanted to make someone else happy.  We shall see how long it lasts this time.

Bible study is tomorrow.  That will be so good.  I love the group of women that the Lord has put in my life.  They have been such a lifeline for me the past few months, it’s unreal.  I so look forward to each time we meet.  We are studying the Gospel of John this time, an inductive study, and I’m so looking forward to it.  I love getting into the Word, each time I read something I get a new message from God about what He is trying to tell me and teach me.  God’s Word is so alive.  I love doing topical studies, don’t get me wrong, but as someone once said to me, there is nothing like getting into the Word itself, not depending on what a teacher has written about and what they got from the Word, but totally depending on the Holy Spirit to move you and reveal God’s purpose for that verse at that particular time in your life.

I posted a verse at the top, which totally explains how I am feeling right now.  Downcast and worried.  I know though that I need to put my hope in God, for He is the One who can make it all better.  Praises to You Father for that!

in Him,

Trish

What was she thinking…

So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, “May the Lord call David’s enemies to account.”  And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself. – 1 Samuel 20:16-17

God has given me the most wonderful gifts of friends.  I am truly blessed!  My first and foremost bff is Jesus.  He is my all in all, my everything and the one I can turn to for anything.  Secondly I have my husband, who is truly the most important person in my life.  I know that I can tell Donovan anything and he loves me so much in spite of my human-ness.  Thirdly though, I have my “Lucy”, aka Dawn.

Dawn and I met at church.  We were in the same Sunday school class about 3 or 4 years ago.  I don’t know exactly when, so much has happened and time flies so fast!  She has 6 darling little girls, my one daughter is right in the middle of them.  Two of her girls are my A’s bff’s according to her.  We have so much in common.  She can talk to me on the phone and brighten my day, she can text me or im me and it’s like the clouds have lifted and it’s bright and sunny, it’s truly a blessing from God to have her in my life.

We weren’t always this close.  That happened about a year and a half, maybe two years ago.  You see, I almost blew it.  I had another friend, at least I thought she was a friend.  She had some problems that no one was aware of, including a drug problem, but we’ll get to that.  This other friend used me, and lied to me, and told me some horrible things about Dawn, and to my shame, I believed her.  So when money started coming up missing during our stampin’ events, I was conditioned to blame Dawn.  I even spoke to our pastor about it, not knowing what to do, Dawn is my Stampin’ Up! downline, and I felt responsible.  I couldn’t imagine this other person being the one to take the money, after all, she was at my house all the time, she watched my children during the summer, I couldn’t fathom how someone I trusted so explicitly would be that kind of person.  I guess I always had my doubts about her, but being the trusting person I am, I just couldn’t imagine her doing it.  It wasn’t until a blatant mistake on her part that I actually believed that she had done it.  It took two other friends confronting me to make me realize that it was this other person, this so called friend, this woman that I had trusted who was stealing from our customers and other demos.  I was devastated, ashamed, remorseful, and so very hurt.  I had believed her lies, I had trusted her, and worst of all, I had taken what she had told me, and unwittingly spread false rumors about another person, who was completely innocent, my Lucy.  You see, I had talked to friends about what I thought was happening, and of course, even though you ask them to keep it in confidence, it gets talked about and spread around, we are human, that’s what we do.  I was devastated by this.  Dawn never waivered.  She never said anything negative to me, she never even acknowledged if she kenw it was me.  The Spirit really worked on my heart during this time, and I felt compelled to apologize to Dawn for what I had said and done, and the part I had played in this whole drama.  It was at a jewelry party that I found the nerve to speak to her about it.  I tried so hard not to cry, I wanted to be strong, but I believe that some tears slipped through.  I just told her how sorry I was for what I had said and done, for believing this other person, and for any hurt I had caused her and her family.  Being the beautiful woman of Christ that she is, she simply hugged me and said she forgave me.  What???  I was so moved, still am really.  I am awed by her beautiful spirit.  I was forgiven, truly in the spirit of  love and of Christ.  It took me a while to accept that forgiveness, I couldn’t fathom how she could just say she let it go, and really let it go.  People don’t do that, people don’t really forgive and forget, that’s a God thing.  But she did, she did.

Dawn has watched my children, she has come to my aid in the middle of the night when I was having anxiety attacks, she has visited me in the hospital in my darkest hours, she has held me as I cried and wanted to run away from my life, she has convinced me that I am worth the life God has given me.  We’ve laughed together, cried together, really really lived as friends.  She is my Jonathan, she is my *bff*, she is my angel here on earth, she is one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me.  She has shown me the true meaning of grace, love, friendship, and honesty.  I know that I can call her at anytime, and she will be there for me, in spirit if she isn’t able to be here physically.  Our friendship has survived me moving across the country, it has survived so much, I know that we will be the little old ladies at a Women of Faith event bouncing up and down and praising Jesus for what wonderful lives we’ve lived and the friendship He has gifted us with in each other. 

We’ve never spoken a covenant with each other, never made an oath or any such thing.  We’re not blood sisters or any of that stuff from jr. high and high school, but I know that there is a covenant between us, stronger than blood, it is a covenant of friendship that is based on our love for Christ, and what He has done for us.  What could be better than that?

in Him,

Trish aka “Ethel”

Oh, why Lucy and Ethel you ask?  Well, when Dawn signed up as my Stampin’ Up! downline, her hubby said we were like Lucy and Ethel, always coming up with one scheme or another.  ;o)  It stuck, what can I say, I’ll always be the Ethel to her Lucy, and she’ll always be the Lucy to my Ethel.  It’s just how we roll!  ;o)

Hmmm…

You know that e-mail from God post the other day? Well, this is what I got from KLove this morning…

Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.Romans 12:12, NLT

Forgiveness…

My wonderful cousin has been posting selections from her daily Bible reading as bulletins on myspace. This was her offering today. It really struck a chord in my spirit…

Colossians 3:12-15 (New Living Translation)

12 Since God chose you to be the holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. 13 Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others. 14 Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds us all together in perfect harmony. 15 And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

If you are one of my good friends, you know how I have been struggling, for quite some time now, with forgiveness. I think it’s something that as humans, we all struggle with. Why should I forgive someone who hurt me? Especially when it was intentional, or malicious. Especially if it’s someone who is supposed to care for me, or especially if it is someone who doesn’t know me at all. These verses though, they sum it all up so simply. We must forgive, because we are forgiven, we must love and live in peace, no matter how they have hurt us. We must also be thankful, even for those hurts, those things and people who crushed us, so bad. Those things are what made us who we are. The things I have gone through, the things that my family will struggle with going forward with B’s disorder, I need to be thankful for it. Even though it seems horrible, and painful. It is making us grow closer and closer to God day by day. I am having to learn to rely on His mercy, healing, love and forgiveness to hold me up. Each morning as I wake up, I need to stop thinking of all the bad things, and focus instead on what is good. Letting go of the past. I cannot change it.

So, that said, I forgive you. You know who you are, and you know what you have done. I forgive you for the pain you brought me. I forgive you for not loving me how God wanted me to be loved. I forgive you for so much. I let go of injustices, whether real or perceived. I am letting go of anger and desire for justice. I give it to God, and will let Him deal with it. I think I am probably going to have to say this daily for a while, but that’s ok too. I am human, and I need to remember that as well. I strive to be like Christ, but I cannot be Him. I will let go daily of my despair and hurt. I will daily give it over to my Lord and let Him take care of it for me.

One last thing, if I have caused you pain, I ask that you forgive me also. Remembering that we are all human, and all make mistakes.

in Him,
Trish

Changes are happening…

Yesterday, we spoke with the doctor. He didn’t have an answer as to why the psych testing hasn’t been done yet, he was trying to find that out. As far as he knew, the psychologist was supposed to be there on Sunday. Hopefully the doctor will have an answer to that question today for us.

In the meantime, without the testing, at this point, the doctor’s diagnosis is Bipolar. He put in orders to change B’s meds last night, and when we spoke with the nurse this morning, B has had 2 doses of the new medication at this point. We are praying that this will be a turning point for B. The medication that the doctor has started him on will require frequent blood checks, in order to monitor the level of medication in his blood. From everything that I am reading, once we get to his dosage, then it will be every 4-6 weeks, just to make sure that things are staying level. This medication has a very high success rate, and has shown to be extremely helpful for rapid cycling bipolar patients. I’ve been thinking this was what was going on for some time, reading different information about this disorder, it’s like reading about our life, since B was born. From the way he nursed, fussed, slept, everything, it fits. There is a LOT of help and information out there, now that we know what is going on, I’m feeling pretty good about the next steps.

Last night at our visit, B was pretty down about still being in the hospital. He wants to come home, understandably. I want him home too, but I also want the doctors to do everything they need to do, including monitoring his medication change as closely as possible, watching his moods, and hopefully getting the psych testing done. B got pretty upset that I wouldn’t just take him home last night, and walked away. When my mom talked to him on the phone later, he was doing better though. This morning they said he is in a happy mood, was even somewhat hyper after breakfast.

Donovan called me this morning, he spoke with one of his supervisors, and due to the things going on, the military has a special provision for situations like this, where he can take several days leave with pay, without it coming out of his leave bank. Hopefully that will get approved today, and he will be home for the next several days with us, to try and get everything taken care of that we need to. I’m so grateful to be a military family at this point. There are a lot of negatives, but the positives, and the way they take care of people is just awesome.

I know that the only way I am getting through this is because of God holding me up, and Donovan holding the other side up. God is holding us both up, and we are holding each other. I know that God brought this wonderful man into my life, and I know that the experiences we both have gone through, brought us to the point where together, we are facing this challenge, head on, and going to make it!

Praise God for all things, He uses them for His Glory!

Prayer…

There are so many things to pray for in this world, could you add one more? Please pray for Jack and his family.

Time…

Be wise in the use of time. The question in life is not how much time do we have. The question is what shall we do with it.

- Anna Robertson Brown, author

I’m a Sparkpeople.com member, and the above quote was in one of my e-mails today. It made me think, and well, if you know me at all, you know how dangerous that can be! ;o)

What do I do with my time? Do I spend it in pursuit of Godly things? Things which will bring glory to God, or am I spending my time in pursuit of things of the world? Those things which might bring me happiness right now, but tomorrow, or even later today, leave me still aching for more?

I want to spend my time trying to build people up, I want to be a reflection of my Lord to the people I come into contact with. Whether they know Him or not. The desire of my heart is to be closer to Him. One way to draw closer to Him, is to love His people, even those who are unlovable from my worldly perspective. People who are angry, or mean, saying hurtful things, or doing hurtful things. They cannot hurt me, and they only have the power over me that I give them. When I give them love in return for their anger or spitefulness, I am hopefully showing them Jesus through me.

It’s not being a pushover, or just laying down to let people walk all over me, but truly turning the other cheek to smile at someone and say I love you, when they glare at you with hatred.

My prayer for today is that God will guide me in all my interactions today, online, in person, on the phone, or however I might come into contact with someone. Let me reflect His never-ending love back to those who don’t know Him, and to those who have become so bogged down in life, that they have lost sight of Him.

May God Bless you today!