Truth…

Truth, it is one of the most important things we have.  When you speak the truth, it frees you.  The ultimate Truth is Jesus Christ.  In the book of John Jesus says, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32.  Of course, Jesus was speaking to the Jews, about the Truth of God.  I think that all truth is important though, and freeing.  I believe we are freed from the past hurts in our lives by speaking the truth of them, and then letting them go.  That is what this post is about…

When I was a little girl, I was everybody’s baby.  Everyone spoiled me and loved me a great deal.  My family was and is truly a gift from God.  We were always so close and at Holidays, well, forget trying to find a place to sit, there were so many of us that the only place was the floor.  Of course, as people grow, things change, and that’s ok.  I miss the old days though, when we were always there for one another.  At least, that’s how it seemed to me when I was little.

As I got older, things changed, as they always do in life.  We moved, people got divorced, etc.  That’s ok too, it’s life.  God gives and He takes away.  God brings us to things to grow us and help us learn to rely only on Him for all our needs.  Since my divorce in 2001, and coming to Christ in 2003, that has been my focus, wholly relying on Him for everything.  I’ve learned that things we remember aren’t always what they seem though.  Beneath the happiness and love, there are often secrets and tears.  I have been the keeper of a secret, but it’s time to speak the truth and let it go.  I will not name names, I will not reveal more than I do here, so don’t ask.  While I might seem to be protecting the guilty party, I am really more protecting the rest of my family from hurting for something they had no control over, but might wish they would have.

There was a man in our family who I thought hung the moon.  I loved to go places with him.  He loved to take me places, at least, it seemed to me like he did.  I even wished at one point that he was my daddy, I thought he would have been a great daddy.  As I got older, he started to share things with me, things that at 8 or 9 years old, I didn’t need to know.  Things about his love for my mother, how he wished he could have married her instead of his wife.  He started telling me about love, and life, physical love, and life that is.  Let me step back for a minute to tell you something about me, since I was born, I have loved to be tickled.  Lightly, on my face, my feet, my back, I loved it.  When I was a baby and would cry, lightly tickling my face would calm me down almost instantly.  Everyone knew this, and everyone tickled me, it was just one of those things.  Well, this man would tickle me, and at one point, it got uncomfortable.  Not because it was physically uncomfortable, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with him touching me that way.  He assured me it was ok, but told me not to tell anyone, because they wouldn’t understand.  I didn’t want to make anyone mad, so I kept it to myself.  In 1984, he showed me the issue of Penthouse with Vanessa Williams in it.  I remember this so vividly.  I would have just turned 11 years old, because the issue was from September 1984.  I don’t know if I had ever seen pictures like that, not that I can remember.  Whenever he would take me places after that, I remember looking at the pictures.  One day, I was looking at them, when he walked in.  The unthinkable happened.  That was 25 years ago.

I never told anyone, until now.  No one.  I didn’t think anyone would believe me for one thing, for another, he loved me, therefore, he didn’t really mean to hurt me, there must have been something wrong with me to feel funny about it.  I don’t know if he ever loved any other young girls like he did me.  I pray not.  I do know that he is no longer in a position to hurt anyone.  I have struggled with keeping this secret, hiding this truth, for most of my life.  I realized in the past couple of months that the only person being hurt by hiding this truth is me.  I need to forgive him, and let go of the past, to be set free from it.  So I am.  I am speaking the truth, knowing that it will set me free from its hurt and control over me.  I am choosing to forgive him for the things he did to destroy my innocence and love.  I am clinging tightly to my Jesus, knowing that He is the Truth, and He truly sets me Free!!!

Adventures…

It’s been a crazy few weeks since Christmas around here. For more on that, go check out my husband’s blog at http://thesachsman.blogspot.com/. And feel free to link to it from your blogs if you want. )

Cooled off…

So it’s cooled off here in the desert. It’s gorgeous outside, cool in the mornings, highs of mid 80’s. I’m loving it! I keep expecting it to get hot again, but I’ve been assured that this is how it will be for a while, it will only get cooler before it gets hotter again. Hooray!

B had a rough morning today. He woke up crying, missing his dad. He asked me why they couldn’t go visit him last week. There was no school last week, it was fall break. How was I supposed to answer that? How am I supposed to comfort him when he hurts over that man like that. I think the bigger problem is that he called his dad on Saturday and never got a call back. Either way, I was at a loss as to how to comfort him through this. I just hugged him tight, assured him that we loved him, and told him I didn’t know why they couldn’t go last week, that we never talked about it, which is true as far as that goes. It hurts me so much when the kids hurt over things their dad does or doesn’t do. B was still crying when they left for school. This afternoon he’s bouncing off the walls, really hard too. I don’t know if it’s related or if it’s just a mood swing. That’s the thing with this disorder, you never know if it’s the disorder or if it’s just normal kid stuff.

Another thing, A learned about the Make A Wish foundation at school today. They are collecting pennies for them. She asked me if B would be eligible for a wish since he has bipolar disorder. I don’t know the answer to that. He got all excited about the idea of it though, so I might have to look further into this. Anyone have any insight?

Happy fall!

911 what’s your emergency?

I called 911 once. I was pregnant with B, and D was probably about 8 months old. Once again, an argument had escalated. It ended up with me laying on the bed, D crying in the other room, and him choking me. I remember the feeling, not being able to get any air, thinking that this time he was going to really hurt me, the fear that perhaps I was going to die. I don’t know why he stopped, but he did. I was able to get up, but he grabbed D before I could. I just wanted to leave, and there was no way I was going to leave my baby with him after what he had just done. So I threatened, I said if he didn’t let me have D I was going to call 911. I even dialed it, but I didn’t press talk. He shoved the baby at me, I dropped the phone, grabbed the keys and ran out. I drove around aimlessly trying to figure out what to do for probably an hour. Eventually, I came to the realization, at least in my mind, that I had nowhere else to go. He was probably calmed down, I could go home now, he would be sorry and it would be ok. I was pregnant, with nowhere else to turn, so I thought. So I went back home.

He wasn’t furious anymore, but he wasn’t happy. Apparently in my haste to get out the door, in the process of dropping the phone, somehow I pressed the talk button and it called 911. He hung up, but of course, they sent out a unit anyway. He had told them that it was an accident, and that I would be back soon. They said they would come back by to check with me. When they came back by, I remember how scared I was. I didn’t want hi to get into any trouble, I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on in my house, I was so ashamed. I assured the two officers that I was ok. They stood at the door and talked to me. There was a man and a woman. I wish that they would have taken me outside to talk, where he couldn’t hear. I wonder sometimes if they really knew what happened, if they could see the fading red marks on my neck. There was nothing they could do though, I said he hadn’t hit me. They specifically asked that question, “did he hit you ma’am?” I assured them that he hadn’t and they left. I wonder though sometimes, what would have happened if I said yes, if I had told them exactly what had happened. You can’t go back and change the past, it’s over. Don’t wonder what would have happened, if you are there, don’t wonder, tell someone, before it’s too late…

psychologist…

So, we met with B’s new psychologist last week, no, the week before. Anyway, we met with him. He is awesome! I just hope B likes him too! When we mentioned the confusioin of the diagnosis, mood disorder vs bipolar, he said that it’s the same, which is what I had thought, but that many doctors still are of the opinion that bipolar disorder does not exist in children, so they wont’ use that diagnosis. Anyway, I think this Psychologist is going to be a good fit for B. )

So far school is going well for him. He’s had a couple of reports assigned now, and he’s not too crazy about that, but he’s working on it. He is doing really well in band too, much better than his mother did when she took band in 6th grade. ;o) He’s switched from the trumpet to the saxophone, and he really seems to be enjoying it. There are a couple of boys that he has made friends with, which is always hard for him, so we’re especially pleased with that. Fishing is his latest passion though. We have a catch & release pond in our community, and B would be up there every evening if he could. He fished the other night by himself for like an hour and a half, while we swam. The pool is right there near the pond thankfully. Last night Donovan took just him and he caught a good sized catfish apparently. Lost his hook though, but the fish had another hook stuck in it’s lip, so someone else had lost theirs as well. He caught some kind of fish last week that had teeth, he thinks it is a Pacu, which is related to the piranha. It amazes us how he cannot sit still for anything, but put a fishing pole in his hand and he’s good for hours it seems. ) It’s good that he’s found something he can enjoy so much!

Wow…

I’ve so been meaning to get on here and blog about our trip and everything, and just haven’t had time. I finally am making time though. )

We left San Antonio on the 2nd. Poor D woke up that morning sick. He was running a low grade fever and couldn’t hold anything down. He was like that the whole trip. I felt so bad for him. Every time he tried to eat he lost it right back up. He’d start to feel better, then kablam! The first day we made it to El Paso. Our room was really nice, although a bit cramped for all of us, but it worked and that’s what counts. The hotel had waffles for breakfast, so we all had waffles, or cereal, and then hit the road. We stopped somewhere on I-10 at “The Thing” to see what “The Thing” was. I stayed outside with D and the dog while Donovan took B & A inside. It was some sort of monkey thing from what I gather. Donovan bought me a cowboy hat while they were inside. While we were waiting there was a major accident on I-10 right in front of the exit. It was going the opposite direction, but there was a news helicopter and everything. A & I were amazed at the beauty of the desert. The rock formations we passed were just awe inspiring. When we got into the Phoenix area, A was amazed by how the freeways are “decorated” with flowers and stuff. She said at one point that she didn’t think she would like it, but that maybe she would. ;o) We got to our hotel Sunday evening about 5:00, I think. Donovan went and found an in-n-out burger for me, so we got to have our first meal here in Arizona. I think it was a hit with everyone! I took A & B swimming after dinner for a little while.

Monday morning, Donovan got up, went and got the keys to the house, and we set off. When we got here, we were all so excited! The house is everything we could have wanted it to be, and we couldn’t have found a more perfect house if we had come out here and looked in person. Awesome! That afternoon, I took A with me, and we went to register for school. I forgot something at the house, of course, but my wonderful husband brought it to me, on his way to Lowe’s. The first thing he did was buy a grill! We had steak for dinner that night. It was pretty yummy! The kids started school the next day! Here is a pic of A & D on the first day… B didn’t want his picture taken…

B had a pretty rough morning the first day. He didn’t want to stay, at all. We met with the school psychologist, and with the counselor, who really took B under her wing. He did good and continues to do so. He got to switch to band, and he’s really been excited about that. He started out the first week on the trumpet, but switched to saxophone now. A brought home a note about beginning orchestra, that meets before school, and she is really interested in that. However, she brought home a note yesterday about dance and cheer that is after school, so she is really torn now trying to decide which she wants to do more. D had basketball tryouts yesterday, well, there were supposed to be tryouts yesterday, but they had to postpone them until next Monday.

We’ve been going to the pond/park in our subdivision regularly. B is loving to fish. It amazes me, he can’t sit still for 5 minutes doing anything else, but he’ll sit there fishing for hours at a time if we’d let him. Everyone has a bike except for me, and I’ve been convinced to get one. We’ll see how that goes. But Donovan & the kids have been bike riding some nights, when we don’t go to the park. We went up to go swimming last night after dinner, but the pool was closed for maintenance. Hopefully we’ll have better luck tonight.

The house is close to being unpacked. My office is unpacked, it’s just cluttered on my desk with all the little things I have to find a home for. The kitchen was the first thing done, it looks great. My books are all unpacked also, they just need to be a little better organized imo. You know me, gotta make it just right. )

I registered to volunteer for the Women of Faith conference that is going to be here in November. I can’t wait! I’m so excited to go, but even more excited to work and hopefully help other women to enjoy the conference. ) Dawn and Marsha are supposed to be coming down to go with me, I’m hoping they can convince Cindy, Karen and Brandi to come along as well! It’ll be so good to see them again! I miss them so much!

It’s nice here, but I haven’t really had a chance to get out and meet anyone yet, so it’s kind of lonely. Hopefully we’ll make it to Church this weekend, that will help I think. I’m also looking into getting back to work with Alpine Access. If I do, that will alleviate some of the boredom, it just makes me nervous, kwim? Anyway, I hope all of you are doing well, leave me a comment and let me know you read this, ok?

Hi there…

It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had a moment to sit down and write on here. It has been almost a month now, and wow, things sure do change!

My mom went Home to be with the Lord on April 24th. We were on our way there when I got the call. I guess God knew I couldn’t have handled being there, so He took that option away. I wish in a way that I had gotten there, but in other ways I’m glad I wasn’t there, kwim? Her funeral was Monday, the 28th. You know that saying, whatever can go wrong will go wrong, well, it almost all did. The night before the funeral, at the visitation (viewing) they were playing the wrong pictures on the screen at first, then there was no one there who could figure out how to work the computer, so the first hour there were either wrong pictures or no pictures. At the funeral there were 3 or 4 times where there was just this long awkward silence. The funeral director apparently couldn’t get the cd to play. I couldn’t believe that they hadn’t tried the cd’s before hand. It was very upsetting. Then, at one point, she stuck her head in the room and passed a note to the pastor. Talk about unprofessional. I got up at one time to go tell the manager that there was no music and everyone was just sitting there looking around at each other. It was so upsetting. Our family had enough to stress about, we weren’t supposed to have to stress about that too, but God knows what He is doing, and it all came together and it was overall a nice service. I read a poem, my cousin said a few words, and a good friend of my mom’s spoke as well. To top it all off, my step-dad’s sister had sent a plant, which did not arrive in time for the funeral. My sister called the funeral home several times asking about it, and they kept saying that they had not received it. After 2 weeks, the plant was tracked, and it was confirmed as delivered to the funeral home. *sigh* They replaced it, but not without us having to track it down and confront them with the fact that they received it and either *lost* it or did something else with it. Then, the *owner*/managing partner, asked us to please use another funeral home for our future needs. Can you imagine???

I colored my hair, and put pink streaks in it. It looked really cute! I say looked because the pink is almost all faded now. It fades really quick, but I have nice highlights where it bleached it for the pink left though. lol I don’t think I’m going to do it again, but I do have a Pampered Chef Help Whip Cancer show coming up, maybe I’ll do it for that and then be done. We shall see. If I do it again I will definitely get pictures though!

B started the partial hospitalization program on May 1st. So far he’s doing well there. Last week it was a rough week in the evenings at home, and Friday he would have gone inpatient if there would have been a bed available. There wasn’t, and we made it through the weekend. There have been some med changes for him. They took him off the lithium, and started him on Abilify as a mood stabilizer as well as starting him on Buspar for his anxiety. Just waiting to see if there is any difference or not. He’s also going to school there, which has been good for him I think. I’m hoping that he is able to finish out the school year there, as homeschooling has not been working for us the past month or two. We did the first part of his psychological testing, but he refused to cooperate when we went back to finish up on Friday. We rescheduled for this Friday coming up, the 23rd. If you have a moment, please pray that he is willing to cooperate when Friday gets here. He says that he doesn’t need or want help. We can’t do it for him, so right now our prayers are that he comes to the realization that he needs help so that he can function at a somewhat normal level, whatever normal is.

Mother’s Day weekend we went to my sister’s and that Saturday, we buried Momma’s ashes. We placed her between my grandmother and my sister’s baby she lost. I think Momma would have been happy with the small prayer ceremony we did. Nothing fancy, just our family, the Lord’s prayer, and a few words about her. What my cousin Shannon said really touched me. She spoke of a conversation she had with Momma the week before, about her faith and salvation. It was a blessing to hear the details of that from Shannon and know that she was so concerned and loved my mom enough to ask her and touch her in that way before she went Home. After the ceremony, we had a picnic on the church grounds. It was nice. I should have some pics ready to post in a day or two and I’ll get them up here for you to see. It’s really pretty out there, and the kids had a great time running around and playing.

I’ve had med changes too. The doctor took me off the Lithium as well, and put me on the Abilify to act as a mood stabilizer. It seems to be working ok. I’m still quite anxious at times, and get quite upset easily. I’ve also been a shop-a-holic a lot lately, and that is worrying me quite a bit. I’m seeing her this afternoon, so we will have a talk about that.

Oh, one other thing, I got my nose pierced yesterday!!! I had lunch with my best girlfriends to celebrate two of their birthdays and that one got an A in her last class. Afterwards, we went to the tattoo place and I got my nose pierced, one got her ear cartilage pierced and one got a tattoo priced. She didn’t go through with it though. It was so much fun just being together and having fun. Silly girly stuff, we need to do it more often girls!!!

I’ll try to post tomorrow maybe, we’ll see what all is going on and how my appt goes today!

Love ya!

Whirlwinds…

Whirlwinds come flying into our lives sometimes don’t they? Just out of the blue, or maybe not so out of the blue, but for the most part unexpected. One minute you think you know what is going on, and then the phone rings. My phone rang last Thursday…

My sister called last Thursday, it was around 11:30 am. I don’t know the exact time, but I know it was around then because we were on the way to pick up A from school for a therapist appointment. Anyway, Wednesday night she called 911 and my mom went to the hospital. She couldn’t breathe. If you don’t know, my mom has emphysema. She was in CCU until Friday when she went to a regular room. She is not doing better. She will not get better. Two years ago she was in the hospital and her chest x-ray showed a spot on her lungs. That was how they referred to it two years ago, a spot. Well, my mom has not had insurance up until this month, when she turned 65 and started to qualify for medicare. So, 2 years ago she opted not to have the spot looked at. They were unable to do any treatment or biopsy it in the hospital at that time because her condition wasn’t stable enough. Fast forward back to last week, the emphysema is much worse, her condition is less stable, and the spot is now being called a mass. There is nothing they can do at this point. They cannot even officially diagnose the mass as cancer because they do not believe her body could handle the biopsy. The doctors said that if she is intubated (put on a breathing tube) she most likely would not come off it. So, they called in hospice care for her on Saturday, and brought her home in an ambulance. Hospice will help her to be comfortable and help us to know how best to care for her. They have been wonderful so far! What a wonderful ministry!

Them being wonderful doesn’t change the fact that my mother is dying. I don’t want her to hurt and suffer anymore, but it hurts to know that my children aren’t going to know her like my nephew knows her. There are so many wonderful memories I have of her. I hope and pray that I can preserve them so that my children can know her and remember her.

If you have a minute, say a prayer for my mom, that perhaps, she won’t hurt so bad, that we will be ok and that we can accept God’s will for her. That she knows God’s love for her and will be with Him on streets of gold, dancing for joy!

Slowly…

It’s slowly coming back! My creativity that is! Last night, I was working on cards for another stamp class. Since before I was in the hospital, I’ve not been able to concentrate enough to come up with an original design. Everything has been case’d. (CASE stands for Copy And Share Everything). It’s what you do when you can’t come up with anything original. Well, last night I was case’ing cards, and I couldn’t find anything for the third card I was working on. Nothing I was seeing really appealed to me. The next thing I knew, I was getting out designer paper and boom, I had come up with an original card!!! I won’t bore you with all the details about the card on here, but if you’re interested, check out my stampin’ blog later this evening. When Donovan gets home I’ll see if he can take a picture so I can post it.

In other news, my patience seems to be coming back, slowly as well, but it’s getting here. B & A see their therapist this afternoon. Last night was a bouncy night for B. He seemed down when he was talking to his dad on the phone, but when he passed the phone off to his brother, it was like someone had turned his switch on. He was all over the place! He was upset when we asked him to take a shower, but eventually Donovan was able to calm him down and get him to shower. He’s having a hard time waking up and getting going this morning as well. He is up, but he’s just being really slow, and tired, almost whiny. I’m going to offer to let him go take a shower in a minute, that usually helps him get going. He might not want to since he took one last night, we’ll see how that goes…

Halloween…

I’ve got more pics, but here’s just a quick snap of the kiddos just before we left for the Harvest Festival. Our church puts it on each year on Halloween night. Lots of games, candy, fun, and it’s all free & safe. B was a mime, as you can probably tell. A was all pink & black. She was a *Halloween Princess*. You can’t see them in this pic, but she had fluorescent pink & black striped tights under her skirt. She also had pink & black false eyelashes, very glam! She put her tiara on as well. D was just D, but with spikey purple & green hair. They had a blast!!! )