How much is too much?

How do you know when you have enough of something, or too much of it?  Is there a simple line to draw and say, “OK, I have enough now, thank you very much!”, or do we simply keep on collecting things until we eventually run out of room?  I have a love affair with “stampin’ stuff”.  I believe I might be addicted to having more stuff.  I think I have lots of addictions though, food, soda, stampin’ stuff, and many more I’m sure.  Does that make me an addictive personality?  I don’t know.  I do know that addiction runs through both sides of my family.  I’ve always stayed clear of alcohol and drugs, knowing the addictive type of personality that runs in my family.  Food though, is another story, you’ve got to eat, right?  It’s hard to say that you are addicted to food, but I think it’s one of the hardest things to be addicted to.  It’s not like you can just say I’ll never eat again, you HAVE to eat.  Of course, you don’t have to eat chocolate, or ice cream, or fast food, or drink soda.  You can choose to eat healthier things, drink water, enjoy fresh fruit and veggies, make wise decisions as it were.  That is what I’m trying to do.  I’m trying to make wise decisions, for my health, for my children’s health, and for our future.  I want to be here with my husband for a long time, and I need to get myself in check if I am going to do that.  So, to that end, I got up this morning, and got on the elliptical machine.  I didn’t last very long, but it’s all in baby steps, right?  I ate my special k cinnamon pecan, awesome cereal, for breakfast, and had a grilled chicken salad for lunch.  This afternoon B and I made a fruit salad.  Oranges, apples, grapes and strawberries.  We left the bananas out this time.  A & B had pineapple and fresh cherries in theirs too.  Wise choices, that’s what I can do.  The rest, it’s up to God, and I know He won’t let me down, if I do my part, He will do the rest.

This post started out about stuff, then kind of went off on a tangent, sorry about that.  Back to my original thought, how much stuff is too much stuff?  How do you know when you have enough?  When do you just decide that enough is enough and be happy with the things God has blessed you with?  I’m struggling with that right now.  I have so much paper-crafting *stuff*.  I have tons of stamp sets, ink pads, markers, ribbons galore, paints, glittery stuff, brads, eyelets, rhinestones, scissors,   powders,  you name it and I’ve probably got it.  I could start my own store!  But the thing that’s bugging me is that I still want more.  I feel at times like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!  I’m impatient, I want new toys to play with, when I don’t play nearly enough with the toys I have.  Another thing I have a ton of is books, I have read every book I have, well, not counting the Bible studies I haven’t done yet or all the translations I have of the Bible, haven’t read through all those yet.  I plan to one day, but I digress, again… When does a person simply say enough is enough and let go of that incessant need to have more things.  I so want to be there, I desire so deep within my heart and soul to just let go of my stuff and just be, just enjoy who God made me to be.  I’ve become so wrapped up in having this stuff, that I think it’s detracting from who I am.  I am becoming defined by my stuff, and I don’t want that.  So, to that end, I am on a budget for one, which I’ve never really had before when it came to those things.  I get a certain amount of money each pay period that I can use however I choose.  Secondly, I’m really becoming much more discriminating on what I buy.  I dont’ just rush out and buy the newest toy or newest Bible just because it’s new and I want it.  I am praying about what is the right thing to do.  How can I use this to further the Kingdom of God, how will this help me to grow in Christ.  If I can’t find answers that satisfy those questions, then I really don’t need it. 

I don’t know what is harder, eating healthier or trying to be more stuff healthy.  Either way, only through the Grace of God can I accomplish any of them…

in Him,

Trish

Changes…

So we (B & I) saw the psychiatrist (pdoc) yesterday. She is very pleased with how well B is doing, although his lithium levels are still somewhat low. So, she increased his lithium dosage a bit. She has him taking the increase at bedtime, which she said might help him to sleep more, which would mean we can get him off one of his other meds. That is good imo. The fewer the medications the better.

As for me, we’ve noticed that the lithium doesn’t really seem to be doing much for me. She’s slowly increasing the anti-depressant I was on before, as well as bringing in another medication for depression. If this regimen seems to work, then we’ll slowly phase out the lithium. We see her again in two weeks.

That’s all the *medical* stuff. Someone asked me how I’m feeling though. It’s hard to be honest with that. Like most people, I want to wear the I’m good mask. When people ask how are you, I tend to say, OK. Or I’m good, things like that. In reality, I’m depressed. I’m more down than I’ve been in a Loooong time. I am functioning, but I have my moments. I would much rather sleep all day and not get up than actually get moving and do things. I’m really snippy/short tempered with everyone. Like Donovan says though, we’re working on it. I know that it’s a medical problem, and that there is a medication out there that will help, I’ve just got to find it. I have an appointment on the 23rd with a new therapist. That should help with dealing with things. One thing at a time. One day at a time. That’s the trick, just to do one thing at a time, one day at a time, as I can make myself get up and move. I did do some stampin’ the past few days. In fact, I’ve scheduled a class! Woohoo! Baby steps!!! What’s next…

It doesn’t matter what you call it…

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that the past month or so has been stressful, to say the least. You might say that last Sunday, my last thread finally snapped.

There were issues when we picked the kids up from their dad. I became very distraught, and eventually just lost it completely. When we got home, I had decided that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to leave. Donovan wasn’t buying into my thoughts though, and wouldn’t let me go. Instead, he called one of my friends over to help me. She came, and talked, listened, prayed, held me, let me cry and rant, then prayed some more, until finally, I calmed down and came inside. At which point, another friend called just to see how I was doing (she knew how stressed I had been) and when Donovan told her what was going on, she insisted on coming over for us. I was calm by the time she got here, well, calmer, but just knowing how much she cared, that she not only called just to check, but then came over, late at night, just to make sure and see if she could do anything for us!

Monday morning, Donovan called my psychiatrist for an appointment, and we got in to see her that afternoon. She could see how agitated I was, and after just a few minutes of talking knew that medication changes were needed. As upset and anxious as I was at that time, she suggested that I be admitted to a treatment center while my medications were adjusted. So, that is where I was from Monday the 31st until Saturday, the 5th.

I spoke with the treating psychiatrist on Tuesday morning, and he suggested that we take me off the anti-depressant that I was on, and try a more aggressive medication. He put me on Lithium and Invega starting Tuesday night. Being hospitalized while this was going on, they were able to take me off the anti-depressant VERY quickly. Normally you have to step down slowly, but by Friday I was no longer taking the anti-depressant. I’ve seen a difference in my moods and anxiety since probably Thursday. It’s getting progressively better. Lithium can take a couple of weeks to reach a constant therapeutic level from my understanding, so I’m still anxious at times, but I’m coping with it better and better each day.

I saw my outpatient psychiatrist today, and she immediately commented as to how much better I look today than I did a week ago. Tomorrow I go to have blood drawn. With Lithium, they have to draw your blood somewhat frequently at first, to check the levels. There should be a certain level of Lithium in your blood, what they call the “therapeutic level”. When they checked them in the hospital on Thursday, I was a little low, but since the med has to build up, it should be about right now based on previous experience and knowledge of the medication. If the levels are good, I won’t see the doc again until next Monday, if there is a problem, she’ll call me to come in sooner.

We discussed diagnosis with the psychiatrist today. When I was hospitalized back in 2005, the diagnosis they gave me at that time was *Bipolar II*, how they explained that was bipolar without full blown mania. My outpatient psychiatrist wasn’t convinced of that, and tends to lean more towards PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the abuse, anxiety and major depression. This time I left the hospital again with a diagnosis of *Bipolar II*, however, I have a better understanding of what that is because of all the reading I’ve done due to B’s diagnosis. My outpatient psychiatrist still isn’t convinced that I meet diagnostic criteria for a Bipolar Spectrum Disorder, however, she said today that it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you treat the symptoms that are present, and base the treatment plan on the symptoms and such, not on just a diagnosis.

God has so blessed us with such wonderful friends, through this whole ordeal, my friends have been so amazingly awesome! You all know who you are, but I have to say how wonderful you all have been and continue to be. From watching my children, homeschooling one of them for us, making arrangements for them to be picked up from school, calling the church to let them know what was going on, bringing dinner, being here, calling and checking on us, and most importantly, praying, non-stop. Without even being asked at times, you have known what we needed, and been there no matter what the request, how big or small. You truly are what friends are, and you totally get what it means to say, “it’s in the job description”!!! Thank you to each of you, more than I can ever express. God truly blessed me when He brought each of you into my life, and I am so thankful!

Finally Home…

I’m finally home from the hospital! Thank you to everyone who was and is praying! I am hoping to post a *good* blog in the next couple of days with details and everything. For now though, thank you for keeping me in your prayers and thoughts! Love y’all!