Cooled off…

So it’s cooled off here in the desert. It’s gorgeous outside, cool in the mornings, highs of mid 80’s. I’m loving it! I keep expecting it to get hot again, but I’ve been assured that this is how it will be for a while, it will only get cooler before it gets hotter again. Hooray!

B had a rough morning today. He woke up crying, missing his dad. He asked me why they couldn’t go visit him last week. There was no school last week, it was fall break. How was I supposed to answer that? How am I supposed to comfort him when he hurts over that man like that. I think the bigger problem is that he called his dad on Saturday and never got a call back. Either way, I was at a loss as to how to comfort him through this. I just hugged him tight, assured him that we loved him, and told him I didn’t know why they couldn’t go last week, that we never talked about it, which is true as far as that goes. It hurts me so much when the kids hurt over things their dad does or doesn’t do. B was still crying when they left for school. This afternoon he’s bouncing off the walls, really hard too. I don’t know if it’s related or if it’s just a mood swing. That’s the thing with this disorder, you never know if it’s the disorder or if it’s just normal kid stuff.

Another thing, A learned about the Make A Wish foundation at school today. They are collecting pennies for them. She asked me if B would be eligible for a wish since he has bipolar disorder. I don’t know the answer to that. He got all excited about the idea of it though, so I might have to look further into this. Anyone have any insight?

Happy fall!

Busy busy busy…

Wow! It’s crazy around here, and yet, I still find myself getting bored during the day. Hopefully that will end now that my stampin’ slump is over, or appears to be for now anyway. Don’t know what I mean? Head over to www.stampinprincess.com and see then!

Now that I’ve shamelessly promoted my other blog, let me get back to the task at hand. Updating you on how life is going! My birthday just passed a week ago, I am officially halfway to 70 now! lol I had a wonderful simple day that I loved! Donovan had to go in to work and D had stayed with a friend Friday night, so on my birthday (Saturday the 13th), A, B & I (isn’t that silly) went to breakfast! Then we ran a couple of simple errands, and I spent the rest of the day just relaxing! Donovan & A made me a heavenly cookies & cream birthday cake. It was so sweet to see the two of them working in the kitchen together! Then Donovan & B made dinner, yummy! Seafood Alfredo, and they did such a great job! D did the dishes, so I really did have the whole day off! Gotta love it! I got some great new stampin’ stuff, which you can see over at my other blog… leave a comment too if you want! Ok, I’ll stop with the commercials! lol

What else has been going on? Not a lot really. I’m settling into a routine with school. Oh, didn’t you know? I’m finally going to school, yay! My hope is that when I’m done, probably around the time A is done, I will be able to help other women who have gone through what I went through with my first marriage. Check posts from last October and coming up this October for more info on that!

We’re all settling in, B has met both his Psychiatrist and Psychologist, and likes both. Donovan & I are very pleased with both of them as well. I’ve met with my therapist several times, she is awesome I must say! I still miss Marnie & Christy though! No offense Bobbi! tee hee! Anyway, she has given me homework a couple of times, tough stuff too I must say! Well, tough for me anyway. It’s making a difference though, and that’s what counts.

Next month is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I’m going to try to pick up where I was blogging last year, and see if I can give more information and hopefully understanding to those who don’t have a clear picture of what domestic violence is. I want my experiences to make a difference for someone else, please let me know if it does, or if you have specific questions for me, I’ll try to answer them as honestly and candidly as I can. Hope you’re having a great September!

Love,
Trish

psychologist…

So, we met with B’s new psychologist last week, no, the week before. Anyway, we met with him. He is awesome! I just hope B likes him too! When we mentioned the confusioin of the diagnosis, mood disorder vs bipolar, he said that it’s the same, which is what I had thought, but that many doctors still are of the opinion that bipolar disorder does not exist in children, so they wont’ use that diagnosis. Anyway, I think this Psychologist is going to be a good fit for B. )

So far school is going well for him. He’s had a couple of reports assigned now, and he’s not too crazy about that, but he’s working on it. He is doing really well in band too, much better than his mother did when she took band in 6th grade. ;o) He’s switched from the trumpet to the saxophone, and he really seems to be enjoying it. There are a couple of boys that he has made friends with, which is always hard for him, so we’re especially pleased with that. Fishing is his latest passion though. We have a catch & release pond in our community, and B would be up there every evening if he could. He fished the other night by himself for like an hour and a half, while we swam. The pool is right there near the pond thankfully. Last night Donovan took just him and he caught a good sized catfish apparently. Lost his hook though, but the fish had another hook stuck in it’s lip, so someone else had lost theirs as well. He caught some kind of fish last week that had teeth, he thinks it is a Pacu, which is related to the piranha. It amazes us how he cannot sit still for anything, but put a fishing pole in his hand and he’s good for hours it seems. ) It’s good that he’s found something he can enjoy so much!

Hi there…

It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had a moment to sit down and write on here. It has been almost a month now, and wow, things sure do change!

My mom went Home to be with the Lord on April 24th. We were on our way there when I got the call. I guess God knew I couldn’t have handled being there, so He took that option away. I wish in a way that I had gotten there, but in other ways I’m glad I wasn’t there, kwim? Her funeral was Monday, the 28th. You know that saying, whatever can go wrong will go wrong, well, it almost all did. The night before the funeral, at the visitation (viewing) they were playing the wrong pictures on the screen at first, then there was no one there who could figure out how to work the computer, so the first hour there were either wrong pictures or no pictures. At the funeral there were 3 or 4 times where there was just this long awkward silence. The funeral director apparently couldn’t get the cd to play. I couldn’t believe that they hadn’t tried the cd’s before hand. It was very upsetting. Then, at one point, she stuck her head in the room and passed a note to the pastor. Talk about unprofessional. I got up at one time to go tell the manager that there was no music and everyone was just sitting there looking around at each other. It was so upsetting. Our family had enough to stress about, we weren’t supposed to have to stress about that too, but God knows what He is doing, and it all came together and it was overall a nice service. I read a poem, my cousin said a few words, and a good friend of my mom’s spoke as well. To top it all off, my step-dad’s sister had sent a plant, which did not arrive in time for the funeral. My sister called the funeral home several times asking about it, and they kept saying that they had not received it. After 2 weeks, the plant was tracked, and it was confirmed as delivered to the funeral home. *sigh* They replaced it, but not without us having to track it down and confront them with the fact that they received it and either *lost* it or did something else with it. Then, the *owner*/managing partner, asked us to please use another funeral home for our future needs. Can you imagine???

I colored my hair, and put pink streaks in it. It looked really cute! I say looked because the pink is almost all faded now. It fades really quick, but I have nice highlights where it bleached it for the pink left though. lol I don’t think I’m going to do it again, but I do have a Pampered Chef Help Whip Cancer show coming up, maybe I’ll do it for that and then be done. We shall see. If I do it again I will definitely get pictures though!

B started the partial hospitalization program on May 1st. So far he’s doing well there. Last week it was a rough week in the evenings at home, and Friday he would have gone inpatient if there would have been a bed available. There wasn’t, and we made it through the weekend. There have been some med changes for him. They took him off the lithium, and started him on Abilify as a mood stabilizer as well as starting him on Buspar for his anxiety. Just waiting to see if there is any difference or not. He’s also going to school there, which has been good for him I think. I’m hoping that he is able to finish out the school year there, as homeschooling has not been working for us the past month or two. We did the first part of his psychological testing, but he refused to cooperate when we went back to finish up on Friday. We rescheduled for this Friday coming up, the 23rd. If you have a moment, please pray that he is willing to cooperate when Friday gets here. He says that he doesn’t need or want help. We can’t do it for him, so right now our prayers are that he comes to the realization that he needs help so that he can function at a somewhat normal level, whatever normal is.

Mother’s Day weekend we went to my sister’s and that Saturday, we buried Momma’s ashes. We placed her between my grandmother and my sister’s baby she lost. I think Momma would have been happy with the small prayer ceremony we did. Nothing fancy, just our family, the Lord’s prayer, and a few words about her. What my cousin Shannon said really touched me. She spoke of a conversation she had with Momma the week before, about her faith and salvation. It was a blessing to hear the details of that from Shannon and know that she was so concerned and loved my mom enough to ask her and touch her in that way before she went Home. After the ceremony, we had a picnic on the church grounds. It was nice. I should have some pics ready to post in a day or two and I’ll get them up here for you to see. It’s really pretty out there, and the kids had a great time running around and playing.

I’ve had med changes too. The doctor took me off the Lithium as well, and put me on the Abilify to act as a mood stabilizer. It seems to be working ok. I’m still quite anxious at times, and get quite upset easily. I’ve also been a shop-a-holic a lot lately, and that is worrying me quite a bit. I’m seeing her this afternoon, so we will have a talk about that.

Oh, one other thing, I got my nose pierced yesterday!!! I had lunch with my best girlfriends to celebrate two of their birthdays and that one got an A in her last class. Afterwards, we went to the tattoo place and I got my nose pierced, one got her ear cartilage pierced and one got a tattoo priced. She didn’t go through with it though. It was so much fun just being together and having fun. Silly girly stuff, we need to do it more often girls!!!

I’ll try to post tomorrow maybe, we’ll see what all is going on and how my appt goes today!

Love ya!

Slowly…

It’s slowly coming back! My creativity that is! Last night, I was working on cards for another stamp class. Since before I was in the hospital, I’ve not been able to concentrate enough to come up with an original design. Everything has been case’d. (CASE stands for Copy And Share Everything). It’s what you do when you can’t come up with anything original. Well, last night I was case’ing cards, and I couldn’t find anything for the third card I was working on. Nothing I was seeing really appealed to me. The next thing I knew, I was getting out designer paper and boom, I had come up with an original card!!! I won’t bore you with all the details about the card on here, but if you’re interested, check out my stampin’ blog later this evening. When Donovan gets home I’ll see if he can take a picture so I can post it.

In other news, my patience seems to be coming back, slowly as well, but it’s getting here. B & A see their therapist this afternoon. Last night was a bouncy night for B. He seemed down when he was talking to his dad on the phone, but when he passed the phone off to his brother, it was like someone had turned his switch on. He was all over the place! He was upset when we asked him to take a shower, but eventually Donovan was able to calm him down and get him to shower. He’s having a hard time waking up and getting going this morning as well. He is up, but he’s just being really slow, and tired, almost whiny. I’m going to offer to let him go take a shower in a minute, that usually helps him get going. He might not want to since he took one last night, we’ll see how that goes…

Changes…

So we (B & I) saw the psychiatrist (pdoc) yesterday. She is very pleased with how well B is doing, although his lithium levels are still somewhat low. So, she increased his lithium dosage a bit. She has him taking the increase at bedtime, which she said might help him to sleep more, which would mean we can get him off one of his other meds. That is good imo. The fewer the medications the better.

As for me, we’ve noticed that the lithium doesn’t really seem to be doing much for me. She’s slowly increasing the anti-depressant I was on before, as well as bringing in another medication for depression. If this regimen seems to work, then we’ll slowly phase out the lithium. We see her again in two weeks.

That’s all the *medical* stuff. Someone asked me how I’m feeling though. It’s hard to be honest with that. Like most people, I want to wear the I’m good mask. When people ask how are you, I tend to say, OK. Or I’m good, things like that. In reality, I’m depressed. I’m more down than I’ve been in a Loooong time. I am functioning, but I have my moments. I would much rather sleep all day and not get up than actually get moving and do things. I’m really snippy/short tempered with everyone. Like Donovan says though, we’re working on it. I know that it’s a medical problem, and that there is a medication out there that will help, I’ve just got to find it. I have an appointment on the 23rd with a new therapist. That should help with dealing with things. One thing at a time. One day at a time. That’s the trick, just to do one thing at a time, one day at a time, as I can make myself get up and move. I did do some stampin’ the past few days. In fact, I’ve scheduled a class! Woohoo! Baby steps!!! What’s next…

Randomness…

I’m feeling random tonight!

I stamped 3 cards today! Hooray! Small signs of normalcy continue! Granted, they were cased from other people, but by golly, I stamped! They weren’t exact cases either, I changed some things on a couple of them! I know, this isn’t my *stampin’ blog* but oh well!

I’m doing better, not quite so irritable, although, that’s easy to say when I’ve been stampin’ all day, and the kids have all been off at friends houses swimming! Baby steps, right?

B & I both see the pdoc tomorrow. She got our lithium levels back last week and apparently they are still somewhat low. I don’t know if she’s going to want to increase again or not. I guess I’ll find that out tomorrow afternoon.

I got the sweetest e-mail today from my *niece* asking about B’s disorder and wanting to learn about it. I thought it was sweet that she’s so concerned. Just more proof that God is surrounding all of us with loving friends!

The real reason I came to post right now was because I was listening to my playlist earlier on my myspace page, and heard a song I haven’t heard in a LONG time! It’s called, “Set Me Free” by Casting Crowns. It’s an amazing song, and never fails to drive me to tears, big sobbing tears too! It so eloquently speaks to what living with depression and/or bipolar is like.

When we saw Casting Crowns in concert 2 1/2 years ago, I had just gotten home from my first hospitalization. When they sang this song, I really lost it. They started it out by reading from scripture, from Mark Chapter 5, the story of the man possessed by many demons. Then they went into this song, and I gotta tell you, I was blown away. It was such a moving and amazing moment! Anyway, earlier today when I was stamping and listening to my playlist and this song came on, it floored me just like it did 2 1/2 years ago. If you haven’t heard it, check out the video above…

It doesn’t matter what you call it…

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that the past month or so has been stressful, to say the least. You might say that last Sunday, my last thread finally snapped.

There were issues when we picked the kids up from their dad. I became very distraught, and eventually just lost it completely. When we got home, I had decided that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to leave. Donovan wasn’t buying into my thoughts though, and wouldn’t let me go. Instead, he called one of my friends over to help me. She came, and talked, listened, prayed, held me, let me cry and rant, then prayed some more, until finally, I calmed down and came inside. At which point, another friend called just to see how I was doing (she knew how stressed I had been) and when Donovan told her what was going on, she insisted on coming over for us. I was calm by the time she got here, well, calmer, but just knowing how much she cared, that she not only called just to check, but then came over, late at night, just to make sure and see if she could do anything for us!

Monday morning, Donovan called my psychiatrist for an appointment, and we got in to see her that afternoon. She could see how agitated I was, and after just a few minutes of talking knew that medication changes were needed. As upset and anxious as I was at that time, she suggested that I be admitted to a treatment center while my medications were adjusted. So, that is where I was from Monday the 31st until Saturday, the 5th.

I spoke with the treating psychiatrist on Tuesday morning, and he suggested that we take me off the anti-depressant that I was on, and try a more aggressive medication. He put me on Lithium and Invega starting Tuesday night. Being hospitalized while this was going on, they were able to take me off the anti-depressant VERY quickly. Normally you have to step down slowly, but by Friday I was no longer taking the anti-depressant. I’ve seen a difference in my moods and anxiety since probably Thursday. It’s getting progressively better. Lithium can take a couple of weeks to reach a constant therapeutic level from my understanding, so I’m still anxious at times, but I’m coping with it better and better each day.

I saw my outpatient psychiatrist today, and she immediately commented as to how much better I look today than I did a week ago. Tomorrow I go to have blood drawn. With Lithium, they have to draw your blood somewhat frequently at first, to check the levels. There should be a certain level of Lithium in your blood, what they call the “therapeutic level”. When they checked them in the hospital on Thursday, I was a little low, but since the med has to build up, it should be about right now based on previous experience and knowledge of the medication. If the levels are good, I won’t see the doc again until next Monday, if there is a problem, she’ll call me to come in sooner.

We discussed diagnosis with the psychiatrist today. When I was hospitalized back in 2005, the diagnosis they gave me at that time was *Bipolar II*, how they explained that was bipolar without full blown mania. My outpatient psychiatrist wasn’t convinced of that, and tends to lean more towards PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the abuse, anxiety and major depression. This time I left the hospital again with a diagnosis of *Bipolar II*, however, I have a better understanding of what that is because of all the reading I’ve done due to B’s diagnosis. My outpatient psychiatrist still isn’t convinced that I meet diagnostic criteria for a Bipolar Spectrum Disorder, however, she said today that it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you treat the symptoms that are present, and base the treatment plan on the symptoms and such, not on just a diagnosis.

God has so blessed us with such wonderful friends, through this whole ordeal, my friends have been so amazingly awesome! You all know who you are, but I have to say how wonderful you all have been and continue to be. From watching my children, homeschooling one of them for us, making arrangements for them to be picked up from school, calling the church to let them know what was going on, bringing dinner, being here, calling and checking on us, and most importantly, praying, non-stop. Without even being asked at times, you have known what we needed, and been there no matter what the request, how big or small. You truly are what friends are, and you totally get what it means to say, “it’s in the job description”!!! Thank you to each of you, more than I can ever express. God truly blessed me when He brought each of you into my life, and I am so thankful!

Increased…

Thursday night was rough. B came in from outside just furious, according to him, another child’s dad had yelled at him and threatened to “kick his a##”. He was insistent that we talk to his other friend who witnessed the whole thing. Donovan & I talked it over, what do we do? We know that B sometimes perceives things as more threatening than they are, and that when that happens, it’s real to him, nothing we do can change his mind about it, he’s completely inflexible about it. We thought about going over and talking to the parent, explaining what is going on, we just weren’t sure. There is such a stigma with this disorder, people hear “Bipolar” and think horrible things. It’s not very well understood by doctors yet, so it’s definitely not understood by most people who haven’t’ dealt with it. I don’t know if we’re ready to educate the neighborhood at this point though, we’re still learning! Donovan had to run to the store, and on his way, happened to see the other little boy outside playing. He asked him what had happened, and he said that the man had come out, told them to leave his daughter alone, and get off his property. He wasn’t yelling, didn’t swear or threaten anyone. Again a case of feeling threatened and locking onto that, needing that control over the situation. When Donovan got home everything was fine, B had calmed down and was playing w/ his brother. A little bit later though, everything exploded. B had yelled at D for something and D asked him to leave his room, at which point B totally lost it. He was furious, cussing, calling names, the whole nine yards. He was not being physical at least, and we were so thankful for that! From that point on though, he was being very defiant and angry. He didn’t want to shower, he didn’t want to go to bed. We told him that he needed to calm down, and take a break. He wasn’t being physical so we left him alone. The next thing you know, he’s in the shower. I went to tell him it was time to get out, and he had no towel. When I asked him about it, he fell apart crying that he was sorry and just stupid. I reassured him as best as I could, and he got out. Then he was ok for the most part.

Yesterday the psychiatrist had us increase B’s dosage on his new med to 2x a day. She received the blood work back, and his level was at a 0.3, therapeutic levels are around 1.0-1.2. So now he is getting 300mg of Lithium in the morning, and again in the evening. Hopefully this will get him where he needs to be and we’ll start seeing more stability and control. He started getting the increased dosage yesterday.

The kids went to their dad’s today. They were all excited about going and seeing him and their little brother. They are supposed to go to a place that’s kind of like Malibu Castle. Hopefully it won’t be too much for B to handle. He doesn’t usually have episodes at his dad’s, but I think the stress of holding it together there is rough on him, and we’ve usually got a rough day or two when he gets home. We shall see how it goes!

Finally…

I’m finally making time to sit down, write a blog post, catch up on e-mail and try to be *normal* for a few minutes. Donovan & B are outside mowing the lawn, so it’s relatively quiet in here for a little bit. I could lay down and nap really, but I shouldn’t. Sleeping during the day is not helpful when one cannot sleep at night.

So B has been home for a week. It’s been a very up and down and all around week. It has been a good week for the most part. Sunday night was rough. There were issues with the shower, then with getting to bed. He finally fell asleep though thankfully. This week has been good, yesterday during school was an issue, he did not like one of his assignments, which led to it being torn up. He then drew a picture of him beating us up because he was angry. He didn’t want me to see it, but I told him I needed to. He asked if I was mad, and I assured him I was not mad at him, just worried. Once he calmed down, he asked for another worksheet, and completed it no problems. He didn’t want to do his math either, but eventually did that as well.

We saw the psychiatrist yesterday. No med changes at this point, but she did send us to the lab first thing this morning to have his levels checked. We go back to see her in 2 weeks (on April 9th), unless something happens and we need in sooner. She talked to him a lot about changes and him working on his behavior. He was of the mindset that he doesn’t want to work. He knows he has bipolar, and that’s all he needs to know. She voiced the concern that possibly he came home from the hospital too soon. He didn’t like that idea at all. She explained to him that if he isn’t going to do his part to try to get better, that he can go back, possibly a partial program, where he is there during the day for school and such, then home at night. The other possibility would be the residential program, where basically he would live there. He said he definitely did not want to go back, and would do his best. We told him that is all we can ask, is that he try too. Definitely a relief that he seems to understand his part in treatment and therapy.

The other thing that came out of the psychiatry appointment yesterday is an appointment with a Psychologist for Neuro-Psych testing, Praise God! We have an appointment on the 3rd of April for the consultation. She will discuss the diagnosis, visit with us and B, then determine exactly what tests she will run. Then we will actually set the appointment for the testing. She does testing on Friday mornings, so I’m hoping it won’t be too long of a wait until he gets the testing done, because there will be about 2 weeks for the test results to come back. Then we will go back to learn about the results, and what we can do to deal with that. If you are reading this, and have any suggestions about tests, please let me know!

Today we saw the counselor. We had a good session as a family, then Donovan & I went out in the waiting room while B had individual counseling. He’s really amped today. Lots of energy and excitement. When we were talking to the counselor, he couldn’t sit still. Kept getting toys off the shelf, or bouncing a ball around the room. It was like he was one of those wind up toys, he just kept going on and on and on. He’s outside working off some energy right now though.

Everything else is going ok. It’s an adjustment for all of us. We’ve discussed the disorder with A & D. They don’t really understand fully though what it means, and I think it’s going to be harder on them than any of us realized. While Donovan & I are having to adjust our parenting style to suit B’s needs, D & A don’t understand. They have both voiced the opinion that we are treating B differently than them, and they feel insecure. Again, one of those things that just take adjustment and time to get used to. We just keep having to reassure them that we love all 3 of them the same, but that B has needs that are different from theirs, and we all have to work together to help him. It’s a long road ahead of us.

God will lead us through I know, and we’ll all come out stronger in the end….