Not sure…

Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior & my God. Psalm 42:5

Not sure what to write about tonight.  I could pick any one of several topics, and have even had a couple suggested to me, but I just can’t get my head around that right now.  I’m getting that panicky antsy feeling again.  The new medication is helping, but it’s not cutting all the irritability.  I just want to go to bed and sleep.  I haven’t felt this way all day, it’s snuck up on me really quickly tonight. 

I was ok earlier, I’ve been unmounting stamps all day, and have gotten quite a few done, 26 sets unmounted and stored.  Who knows how many more to go!  I’ve discovered that the easiest way to get the rubber off the foam is to put them in the freezer for about 20 minutes.  I read that in a post on Splitcoast Stampers, but I don’t remember the poster.  If it was you, thank you thank you thank you!  It has been so much easier than trying to microwave them!  Here is a quick picture of what my new storage system will be…

Unmounted storage basket - 26 sets in there!

All of a sudden though, I just started feeling really blah.  That’s the only way I know how to describe it, just blah.  Then irritability set in.  Once I realized what was happening, I had a mini panic attack.  Took an anxiety pill and I’m ok now, just feel tired.  Part of that is probably from the medication, the other part is probably because I’ve been up all day, and I mean since like 6:00 am.  I guess I’m just so worried about the possibility of a recurrence of what happened last month that it’s making me more anxious. 

B got a guitar today.  We are borrowing an acoustic from Donovan’s little sister for him to learn on for a bit, and once he’s had some lessons and is doing good, we are going to move to an electric.  Starting with baby steps though.  He’s over the moon excited about having one.  He had lessons a couple of years ago and didn’t last very long.  He says this time is different though because he wants to take the lessons, last time he just wanted to make someone else happy.  We shall see how long it lasts this time.

Bible study is tomorrow.  That will be so good.  I love the group of women that the Lord has put in my life.  They have been such a lifeline for me the past few months, it’s unreal.  I so look forward to each time we meet.  We are studying the Gospel of John this time, an inductive study, and I’m so looking forward to it.  I love getting into the Word, each time I read something I get a new message from God about what He is trying to tell me and teach me.  God’s Word is so alive.  I love doing topical studies, don’t get me wrong, but as someone once said to me, there is nothing like getting into the Word itself, not depending on what a teacher has written about and what they got from the Word, but totally depending on the Holy Spirit to move you and reveal God’s purpose for that verse at that particular time in your life.

I posted a verse at the top, which totally explains how I am feeling right now.  Downcast and worried.  I know though that I need to put my hope in God, for He is the One who can make it all better.  Praises to You Father for that!

in Him,

Trish

A funny thing…

Depression is a funny thing.  Two weeks ago I was so down.  I was ready to throw in the towel, I wanted God to take me home.  I didn’t want to play this game called life anymore.  Fortunately, God has other plans.  Thanks to my hubby’s determination I saw the doc, got a med change, went about my life, one day, sometimes one minute at a time, and mostly, I prayed. 

Prayer is a funny thing.  We don’t always get immediate answers, sometimes, God doesn’t answer at all, sometimes He just quietly sits and listens, letting us find our own answers.  Other times, He gently tells us that He loves us so much, and He wants us to just let go and let Him take it all on for us.  Then again, at other times, He can be quite direct and blunt, telling us in no uncertain terms that He wants something different for us, and after all, He is God, so He knows best.  No matter how He answers though, He always loves us, of that I am absolutely certain. 

Life as a whole is a funny thing.  I think the writer of Forrest Gump said it best, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”  You don’t really.  Sometimes we think we do, we think, or at least I think, that I have it all figured out.  Things are going to happen a certain way, and then, Kaboom!!!!  The bottom falls out of my plans, or I trip and land on my face, or sometimes, it even feels like someone has kicked me in the back of the knee, causing me to fall.  The thing is though, no matter what causes me to stumble and fall, God is right there, loving me, and urging me on.

Lots of things are funny, but then again, isn’t laughter the best medicine?  Go giggle, and thank God for the gift of laughter and humor!

in Him,

Trish

Hi there…

It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had a moment to sit down and write on here. It has been almost a month now, and wow, things sure do change!

My mom went Home to be with the Lord on April 24th. We were on our way there when I got the call. I guess God knew I couldn’t have handled being there, so He took that option away. I wish in a way that I had gotten there, but in other ways I’m glad I wasn’t there, kwim? Her funeral was Monday, the 28th. You know that saying, whatever can go wrong will go wrong, well, it almost all did. The night before the funeral, at the visitation (viewing) they were playing the wrong pictures on the screen at first, then there was no one there who could figure out how to work the computer, so the first hour there were either wrong pictures or no pictures. At the funeral there were 3 or 4 times where there was just this long awkward silence. The funeral director apparently couldn’t get the cd to play. I couldn’t believe that they hadn’t tried the cd’s before hand. It was very upsetting. Then, at one point, she stuck her head in the room and passed a note to the pastor. Talk about unprofessional. I got up at one time to go tell the manager that there was no music and everyone was just sitting there looking around at each other. It was so upsetting. Our family had enough to stress about, we weren’t supposed to have to stress about that too, but God knows what He is doing, and it all came together and it was overall a nice service. I read a poem, my cousin said a few words, and a good friend of my mom’s spoke as well. To top it all off, my step-dad’s sister had sent a plant, which did not arrive in time for the funeral. My sister called the funeral home several times asking about it, and they kept saying that they had not received it. After 2 weeks, the plant was tracked, and it was confirmed as delivered to the funeral home. *sigh* They replaced it, but not without us having to track it down and confront them with the fact that they received it and either *lost* it or did something else with it. Then, the *owner*/managing partner, asked us to please use another funeral home for our future needs. Can you imagine???

I colored my hair, and put pink streaks in it. It looked really cute! I say looked because the pink is almost all faded now. It fades really quick, but I have nice highlights where it bleached it for the pink left though. lol I don’t think I’m going to do it again, but I do have a Pampered Chef Help Whip Cancer show coming up, maybe I’ll do it for that and then be done. We shall see. If I do it again I will definitely get pictures though!

B started the partial hospitalization program on May 1st. So far he’s doing well there. Last week it was a rough week in the evenings at home, and Friday he would have gone inpatient if there would have been a bed available. There wasn’t, and we made it through the weekend. There have been some med changes for him. They took him off the lithium, and started him on Abilify as a mood stabilizer as well as starting him on Buspar for his anxiety. Just waiting to see if there is any difference or not. He’s also going to school there, which has been good for him I think. I’m hoping that he is able to finish out the school year there, as homeschooling has not been working for us the past month or two. We did the first part of his psychological testing, but he refused to cooperate when we went back to finish up on Friday. We rescheduled for this Friday coming up, the 23rd. If you have a moment, please pray that he is willing to cooperate when Friday gets here. He says that he doesn’t need or want help. We can’t do it for him, so right now our prayers are that he comes to the realization that he needs help so that he can function at a somewhat normal level, whatever normal is.

Mother’s Day weekend we went to my sister’s and that Saturday, we buried Momma’s ashes. We placed her between my grandmother and my sister’s baby she lost. I think Momma would have been happy with the small prayer ceremony we did. Nothing fancy, just our family, the Lord’s prayer, and a few words about her. What my cousin Shannon said really touched me. She spoke of a conversation she had with Momma the week before, about her faith and salvation. It was a blessing to hear the details of that from Shannon and know that she was so concerned and loved my mom enough to ask her and touch her in that way before she went Home. After the ceremony, we had a picnic on the church grounds. It was nice. I should have some pics ready to post in a day or two and I’ll get them up here for you to see. It’s really pretty out there, and the kids had a great time running around and playing.

I’ve had med changes too. The doctor took me off the Lithium as well, and put me on the Abilify to act as a mood stabilizer. It seems to be working ok. I’m still quite anxious at times, and get quite upset easily. I’ve also been a shop-a-holic a lot lately, and that is worrying me quite a bit. I’m seeing her this afternoon, so we will have a talk about that.

Oh, one other thing, I got my nose pierced yesterday!!! I had lunch with my best girlfriends to celebrate two of their birthdays and that one got an A in her last class. Afterwards, we went to the tattoo place and I got my nose pierced, one got her ear cartilage pierced and one got a tattoo priced. She didn’t go through with it though. It was so much fun just being together and having fun. Silly girly stuff, we need to do it more often girls!!!

I’ll try to post tomorrow maybe, we’ll see what all is going on and how my appt goes today!

Love ya!

Changes…

So we (B & I) saw the psychiatrist (pdoc) yesterday. She is very pleased with how well B is doing, although his lithium levels are still somewhat low. So, she increased his lithium dosage a bit. She has him taking the increase at bedtime, which she said might help him to sleep more, which would mean we can get him off one of his other meds. That is good imo. The fewer the medications the better.

As for me, we’ve noticed that the lithium doesn’t really seem to be doing much for me. She’s slowly increasing the anti-depressant I was on before, as well as bringing in another medication for depression. If this regimen seems to work, then we’ll slowly phase out the lithium. We see her again in two weeks.

That’s all the *medical* stuff. Someone asked me how I’m feeling though. It’s hard to be honest with that. Like most people, I want to wear the I’m good mask. When people ask how are you, I tend to say, OK. Or I’m good, things like that. In reality, I’m depressed. I’m more down than I’ve been in a Loooong time. I am functioning, but I have my moments. I would much rather sleep all day and not get up than actually get moving and do things. I’m really snippy/short tempered with everyone. Like Donovan says though, we’re working on it. I know that it’s a medical problem, and that there is a medication out there that will help, I’ve just got to find it. I have an appointment on the 23rd with a new therapist. That should help with dealing with things. One thing at a time. One day at a time. That’s the trick, just to do one thing at a time, one day at a time, as I can make myself get up and move. I did do some stampin’ the past few days. In fact, I’ve scheduled a class! Woohoo! Baby steps!!! What’s next…

Randomness…

I’m feeling random tonight!

I stamped 3 cards today! Hooray! Small signs of normalcy continue! Granted, they were cased from other people, but by golly, I stamped! They weren’t exact cases either, I changed some things on a couple of them! I know, this isn’t my *stampin’ blog* but oh well!

I’m doing better, not quite so irritable, although, that’s easy to say when I’ve been stampin’ all day, and the kids have all been off at friends houses swimming! Baby steps, right?

B & I both see the pdoc tomorrow. She got our lithium levels back last week and apparently they are still somewhat low. I don’t know if she’s going to want to increase again or not. I guess I’ll find that out tomorrow afternoon.

I got the sweetest e-mail today from my *niece* asking about B’s disorder and wanting to learn about it. I thought it was sweet that she’s so concerned. Just more proof that God is surrounding all of us with loving friends!

The real reason I came to post right now was because I was listening to my playlist earlier on my myspace page, and heard a song I haven’t heard in a LONG time! It’s called, “Set Me Free” by Casting Crowns. It’s an amazing song, and never fails to drive me to tears, big sobbing tears too! It so eloquently speaks to what living with depression and/or bipolar is like.

When we saw Casting Crowns in concert 2 1/2 years ago, I had just gotten home from my first hospitalization. When they sang this song, I really lost it. They started it out by reading from scripture, from Mark Chapter 5, the story of the man possessed by many demons. Then they went into this song, and I gotta tell you, I was blown away. It was such a moving and amazing moment! Anyway, earlier today when I was stamping and listening to my playlist and this song came on, it floored me just like it did 2 1/2 years ago. If you haven’t heard it, check out the video above…

It doesn’t matter what you call it…

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that the past month or so has been stressful, to say the least. You might say that last Sunday, my last thread finally snapped.

There were issues when we picked the kids up from their dad. I became very distraught, and eventually just lost it completely. When we got home, I had decided that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to leave. Donovan wasn’t buying into my thoughts though, and wouldn’t let me go. Instead, he called one of my friends over to help me. She came, and talked, listened, prayed, held me, let me cry and rant, then prayed some more, until finally, I calmed down and came inside. At which point, another friend called just to see how I was doing (she knew how stressed I had been) and when Donovan told her what was going on, she insisted on coming over for us. I was calm by the time she got here, well, calmer, but just knowing how much she cared, that she not only called just to check, but then came over, late at night, just to make sure and see if she could do anything for us!

Monday morning, Donovan called my psychiatrist for an appointment, and we got in to see her that afternoon. She could see how agitated I was, and after just a few minutes of talking knew that medication changes were needed. As upset and anxious as I was at that time, she suggested that I be admitted to a treatment center while my medications were adjusted. So, that is where I was from Monday the 31st until Saturday, the 5th.

I spoke with the treating psychiatrist on Tuesday morning, and he suggested that we take me off the anti-depressant that I was on, and try a more aggressive medication. He put me on Lithium and Invega starting Tuesday night. Being hospitalized while this was going on, they were able to take me off the anti-depressant VERY quickly. Normally you have to step down slowly, but by Friday I was no longer taking the anti-depressant. I’ve seen a difference in my moods and anxiety since probably Thursday. It’s getting progressively better. Lithium can take a couple of weeks to reach a constant therapeutic level from my understanding, so I’m still anxious at times, but I’m coping with it better and better each day.

I saw my outpatient psychiatrist today, and she immediately commented as to how much better I look today than I did a week ago. Tomorrow I go to have blood drawn. With Lithium, they have to draw your blood somewhat frequently at first, to check the levels. There should be a certain level of Lithium in your blood, what they call the “therapeutic level”. When they checked them in the hospital on Thursday, I was a little low, but since the med has to build up, it should be about right now based on previous experience and knowledge of the medication. If the levels are good, I won’t see the doc again until next Monday, if there is a problem, she’ll call me to come in sooner.

We discussed diagnosis with the psychiatrist today. When I was hospitalized back in 2005, the diagnosis they gave me at that time was *Bipolar II*, how they explained that was bipolar without full blown mania. My outpatient psychiatrist wasn’t convinced of that, and tends to lean more towards PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the abuse, anxiety and major depression. This time I left the hospital again with a diagnosis of *Bipolar II*, however, I have a better understanding of what that is because of all the reading I’ve done due to B’s diagnosis. My outpatient psychiatrist still isn’t convinced that I meet diagnostic criteria for a Bipolar Spectrum Disorder, however, she said today that it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you treat the symptoms that are present, and base the treatment plan on the symptoms and such, not on just a diagnosis.

God has so blessed us with such wonderful friends, through this whole ordeal, my friends have been so amazingly awesome! You all know who you are, but I have to say how wonderful you all have been and continue to be. From watching my children, homeschooling one of them for us, making arrangements for them to be picked up from school, calling the church to let them know what was going on, bringing dinner, being here, calling and checking on us, and most importantly, praying, non-stop. Without even being asked at times, you have known what we needed, and been there no matter what the request, how big or small. You truly are what friends are, and you totally get what it means to say, “it’s in the job description”!!! Thank you to each of you, more than I can ever express. God truly blessed me when He brought each of you into my life, and I am so thankful!