Transparency…

Have you ever noticed that although you can see through plastic wrap, it distorts whatever is inside?  Things look crinkly, or funny when viewed through it.  When you look through glass, there is no distortion though, or if there is, I’ve never noticed it.  Well, through my glasses things are distorted, but in a good way!  ;o)

I’ve been thinking a lot about transparency lately.  What does it mean for a person to be transparent?  How are we to be that way?  As a Christian, shouldn’t I strive to be more like glass than plastic wrap?  When we go to church, do we put on our plastic faces, or are we like glass, sharing and showing what is really going on in our lives?  I’ve worn the plastic face before.  Most of us probably have.  We don’t want to admit our brokenness.  Our need for God.  So many people today seem to think that since they are a Christian, they must not show that they are human.  We almost seem to want to show everyone else how wonderful things are, even when we hurt.  We all hurt.  We’ve all got trials.  Why not share them with your brothers and sisters in Christ?

In order to be willing to share, a person must feel safe.  That they can share.  That they won’t be judged or looked down upon.  In order for that to happen, they have to know that other people are hurting too.  That other people are just as broken and challenged in they are.  Not necessarily in the same way, but in one way or another.  We know that the Bible tells us all people have sinned, all people fall short of the Glory of God. (Romans 3:23)  I cannot speak for everyone else, but I tend to forget that.  As humans, we see the outside, we do not see the heart of other people, but we should.  That is part of being transparent.  Seeing a person’s heart, but in order to see it, they must let you.  They must be transparent, opening themselves up to show one another what their problems and trials are.  How they fall short.  How they hurt, how they are broken.  That goes back to feeling safe with one another.  It’s a vicious cycle.  How can I trust you, if you don’t trust me, but how can you trust me if I don’t trust you, etc. etc. etc.  Someone has to start.

I’ll go first… I’m human, I hurt, I fail, I struggle.  If you’ve read my blog before, you know some of my trials… I was in an abusive relationship, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, my son struggles with bipolar disorder, my husband was very ill earlier this year.  There is more than that though.  I struggle with prayer, making time daily to go to the Lord with praise, with hurts, with needs, for others.  I try, but I don’t always succeed, that’s part of my humanness.  I struggle with food.  In my first marriage when my husband turned angry, I would eat.  Not just over-eat, but binge.  I would drive through a fast food place, get several burgers, eat them so fast it would make your head spin, then go home and eat dinner so that no one would know I had already eaten, and so much.  I struggle with my self image.  Am I good enough?  Do people look at me differently because I’m over-weight?  Does that matter?  I struggle with reading the Bible as I should, I’m lazy, I don’t always do what I know is right.  Sometimes I do things for the wrong reasons, not putting God first, but putting my own needs and desires before His.  I spend too much money, not being a good steward of what God has given me.

This post wasn’t intended to be a confession of all my faults, but to encourage others to be transparent, to go to their brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask for whatever help they need.  Whether it is prayer, friendship, finances, whatever it is you are struggling with, take it to the cross, and take it to your brothers and sisters.  Part of being a family is helping one another, lifting one another up, supporting one another, and being that safe place for one another.  Family should be the one place that we can turn, when it seems that no one will understand, for support and help.  We cannot help one another if we aren’t transparent.  If we always put on our plastic faces and don’t let anyone see who we really are, and what our needs are.  What are your needs, how can your brothers and sisters lift you up, support you, and love you as Christ does?

in Him,

Tricia

Jesus, a magic eraser and the toaster…

We have a chrome toaster.  Very pretty when we got it, so shiny!  I love shiny!  The thing is though, as it’s been used, it’s gotten not so shiny.  In fact, I discovered today that it has gotten just downright gross.  The chrome was coated in that greasy residue that somehow collects on things in the kitchen.  It’s filled with crumbs and gunk.  Just nasty.  I started to clean it first with a sponge, and that didn’t work very well.  I was all ready to just chunk it in the garbage, how on earth can something so nasty ever be clean again?  It’s been a good toaster, but maybe it’s time to move on, perhaps it’s just too dirty.  I decided to try a magic eraser as a last ditch effort to clean the toaster.  WOW!  I knew those things were good, but man!  The grease just came right off.  Didn’t take hardly any elbow grease.  I was amazed!  It’s like new!  So shiny again!  

As I was wiping the toaster dry, it hit me, that’s what Jesus does for us!  He wipes us clean!  He is like the ultimate magic eraser!  Then, something else hit me, I’m like this toaster!  Dirty, worn out, seemingly past it’s usefulness, then, along comes Christ!  I opened my heart to Him, and BAM!  He wiped all the gunk and dirt away!  That’s what He does for us!  He cleans us, making us good as new!  But, not really.  He does even more than that!  While the magic eraser cleaned the outside of the toaster great, I can’t get the inside with it.  It’s still full of crumbs.  Jesus even gets the insides of us clean!  He comes in and washes us pure, really, makes us better than we ever were, because He took our dirt and grime and grease and gunk on Himself at Calvary!  While the magic eraser is a great tool, it’s nothing compared to Jesus!  The toaster will get dirty again, and I’ll have to attack it with yet another magic eraser.  Jesus washes us clean once and for all times!  Our salvation through Him at the cross is complete.  We don’t have to go back to Him over and over for the same thing, it’s done.  When He said, “It is finished” He meant it.  It is finished, clean, never to be undone.  Once we make that transaction, accepting what He did for us, we are clean, in a way that is unimaginable!  What we must do is accept that.  The toaster doesn’t have a brain, it doesn’t know that it was once dirty.  We do.  We remember our failures, our dirt, our grime and grease.  He cleans us, wipes us shiny again, so to speak, outside and in, but we have to accept it.  The toaster does not have to accept it’s cleanliness or dirtiness, it just is.  We on the other hand, being capable of intelligent thought, sometimes anyway, remember it all.  We have to accept His washing away of our sludge and dirt.  Once we fully accept that, we can shine!

One last note, I noticed these markings on the side of the toaster as I was wiping it dry…

The ICTHUS on the side of the toaster...

What an amazing God we serve that He would use a toaster and a magic eraser to reinforce His amazing love for us!

Sssshhh!

Quiet time, do you make time for it?  I try, but I have to confess I’m not very good at it.  I want to, but *something* always seems to get in the way.  I need to be more disciplined.  God tells us to have quiet time, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46:10  This is when I get refreshed, rejuvenated, feel drawn in and so close to God, when I get still, quiet, worshipful, and exalt Him.  The feeling of being on your face before the Lord in worship is indescribable.  I want that feeling all the time.  So then why do I let those *somethings* get in the way you ask?  Laziness, fear, business, pride, all of this and so much more.  It all comes down to the enemy though.  He wants to keep me from having that time.  He wants to keep me from worshipping my creator, sustainer, counselor, deliverer, my best friend.  If Satan can keep one Christian from their quiet time, with whatever excuse he provides and uses, then he will grab onto that and hold on for dear life.  I have strongholds, I know this.  I am not perfect, I don’t think I’m a good Christian, I don’t think anyone can claim that title, because we are all sinners and all fall short of perfection.  What I also know is that God wants to deliver me from those strongholds, if I will just do my part.  I have to fight against the enemy with all I have and all I am.  I have to put on the full armor of God as Paul says in Ephesians 6:11.  I must put on my armor, which I hope is pink and sparkly ;o), and fight against everything that would draw me away from my time with my Lord.  Can you do it too?  Can you take up your armor, whatever color yours is, and fight against the enemy and his forces?  I think you can, I will be praying for you, and with you…

in Him,

Tricia

Not sure…

Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior & my God. Psalm 42:5

Not sure what to write about tonight.  I could pick any one of several topics, and have even had a couple suggested to me, but I just can’t get my head around that right now.  I’m getting that panicky antsy feeling again.  The new medication is helping, but it’s not cutting all the irritability.  I just want to go to bed and sleep.  I haven’t felt this way all day, it’s snuck up on me really quickly tonight. 

I was ok earlier, I’ve been unmounting stamps all day, and have gotten quite a few done, 26 sets unmounted and stored.  Who knows how many more to go!  I’ve discovered that the easiest way to get the rubber off the foam is to put them in the freezer for about 20 minutes.  I read that in a post on Splitcoast Stampers, but I don’t remember the poster.  If it was you, thank you thank you thank you!  It has been so much easier than trying to microwave them!  Here is a quick picture of what my new storage system will be…

Unmounted storage basket - 26 sets in there!

All of a sudden though, I just started feeling really blah.  That’s the only way I know how to describe it, just blah.  Then irritability set in.  Once I realized what was happening, I had a mini panic attack.  Took an anxiety pill and I’m ok now, just feel tired.  Part of that is probably from the medication, the other part is probably because I’ve been up all day, and I mean since like 6:00 am.  I guess I’m just so worried about the possibility of a recurrence of what happened last month that it’s making me more anxious. 

B got a guitar today.  We are borrowing an acoustic from Donovan’s little sister for him to learn on for a bit, and once he’s had some lessons and is doing good, we are going to move to an electric.  Starting with baby steps though.  He’s over the moon excited about having one.  He had lessons a couple of years ago and didn’t last very long.  He says this time is different though because he wants to take the lessons, last time he just wanted to make someone else happy.  We shall see how long it lasts this time.

Bible study is tomorrow.  That will be so good.  I love the group of women that the Lord has put in my life.  They have been such a lifeline for me the past few months, it’s unreal.  I so look forward to each time we meet.  We are studying the Gospel of John this time, an inductive study, and I’m so looking forward to it.  I love getting into the Word, each time I read something I get a new message from God about what He is trying to tell me and teach me.  God’s Word is so alive.  I love doing topical studies, don’t get me wrong, but as someone once said to me, there is nothing like getting into the Word itself, not depending on what a teacher has written about and what they got from the Word, but totally depending on the Holy Spirit to move you and reveal God’s purpose for that verse at that particular time in your life.

I posted a verse at the top, which totally explains how I am feeling right now.  Downcast and worried.  I know though that I need to put my hope in God, for He is the One who can make it all better.  Praises to You Father for that!

in Him,

Trish

What was she thinking…

So Jonathan made a covenant with the house of David, saying, “May the Lord call David’s enemies to account.”  And Jonathan had David reaffirm his oath out of love for him, because he loved him as he loved himself. – 1 Samuel 20:16-17

God has given me the most wonderful gifts of friends.  I am truly blessed!  My first and foremost bff is Jesus.  He is my all in all, my everything and the one I can turn to for anything.  Secondly I have my husband, who is truly the most important person in my life.  I know that I can tell Donovan anything and he loves me so much in spite of my human-ness.  Thirdly though, I have my “Lucy”, aka Dawn.

Dawn and I met at church.  We were in the same Sunday school class about 3 or 4 years ago.  I don’t know exactly when, so much has happened and time flies so fast!  She has 6 darling little girls, my one daughter is right in the middle of them.  Two of her girls are my A’s bff’s according to her.  We have so much in common.  She can talk to me on the phone and brighten my day, she can text me or im me and it’s like the clouds have lifted and it’s bright and sunny, it’s truly a blessing from God to have her in my life.

We weren’t always this close.  That happened about a year and a half, maybe two years ago.  You see, I almost blew it.  I had another friend, at least I thought she was a friend.  She had some problems that no one was aware of, including a drug problem, but we’ll get to that.  This other friend used me, and lied to me, and told me some horrible things about Dawn, and to my shame, I believed her.  So when money started coming up missing during our stampin’ events, I was conditioned to blame Dawn.  I even spoke to our pastor about it, not knowing what to do, Dawn is my Stampin’ Up! downline, and I felt responsible.  I couldn’t imagine this other person being the one to take the money, after all, she was at my house all the time, she watched my children during the summer, I couldn’t fathom how someone I trusted so explicitly would be that kind of person.  I guess I always had my doubts about her, but being the trusting person I am, I just couldn’t imagine her doing it.  It wasn’t until a blatant mistake on her part that I actually believed that she had done it.  It took two other friends confronting me to make me realize that it was this other person, this so called friend, this woman that I had trusted who was stealing from our customers and other demos.  I was devastated, ashamed, remorseful, and so very hurt.  I had believed her lies, I had trusted her, and worst of all, I had taken what she had told me, and unwittingly spread false rumors about another person, who was completely innocent, my Lucy.  You see, I had talked to friends about what I thought was happening, and of course, even though you ask them to keep it in confidence, it gets talked about and spread around, we are human, that’s what we do.  I was devastated by this.  Dawn never waivered.  She never said anything negative to me, she never even acknowledged if she kenw it was me.  The Spirit really worked on my heart during this time, and I felt compelled to apologize to Dawn for what I had said and done, and the part I had played in this whole drama.  It was at a jewelry party that I found the nerve to speak to her about it.  I tried so hard not to cry, I wanted to be strong, but I believe that some tears slipped through.  I just told her how sorry I was for what I had said and done, for believing this other person, and for any hurt I had caused her and her family.  Being the beautiful woman of Christ that she is, she simply hugged me and said she forgave me.  What???  I was so moved, still am really.  I am awed by her beautiful spirit.  I was forgiven, truly in the spirit of  love and of Christ.  It took me a while to accept that forgiveness, I couldn’t fathom how she could just say she let it go, and really let it go.  People don’t do that, people don’t really forgive and forget, that’s a God thing.  But she did, she did.

Dawn has watched my children, she has come to my aid in the middle of the night when I was having anxiety attacks, she has visited me in the hospital in my darkest hours, she has held me as I cried and wanted to run away from my life, she has convinced me that I am worth the life God has given me.  We’ve laughed together, cried together, really really lived as friends.  She is my Jonathan, she is my *bff*, she is my angel here on earth, she is one of the greatest gifts that God has ever given me.  She has shown me the true meaning of grace, love, friendship, and honesty.  I know that I can call her at anytime, and she will be there for me, in spirit if she isn’t able to be here physically.  Our friendship has survived me moving across the country, it has survived so much, I know that we will be the little old ladies at a Women of Faith event bouncing up and down and praising Jesus for what wonderful lives we’ve lived and the friendship He has gifted us with in each other. 

We’ve never spoken a covenant with each other, never made an oath or any such thing.  We’re not blood sisters or any of that stuff from jr. high and high school, but I know that there is a covenant between us, stronger than blood, it is a covenant of friendship that is based on our love for Christ, and what He has done for us.  What could be better than that?

in Him,

Trish aka “Ethel”

Oh, why Lucy and Ethel you ask?  Well, when Dawn signed up as my Stampin’ Up! downline, her hubby said we were like Lucy and Ethel, always coming up with one scheme or another.  ;o)  It stuck, what can I say, I’ll always be the Ethel to her Lucy, and she’ll always be the Lucy to my Ethel.  It’s just how we roll!  ;o)

How much is too much?

How do you know when you have enough of something, or too much of it?  Is there a simple line to draw and say, “OK, I have enough now, thank you very much!”, or do we simply keep on collecting things until we eventually run out of room?  I have a love affair with “stampin’ stuff”.  I believe I might be addicted to having more stuff.  I think I have lots of addictions though, food, soda, stampin’ stuff, and many more I’m sure.  Does that make me an addictive personality?  I don’t know.  I do know that addiction runs through both sides of my family.  I’ve always stayed clear of alcohol and drugs, knowing the addictive type of personality that runs in my family.  Food though, is another story, you’ve got to eat, right?  It’s hard to say that you are addicted to food, but I think it’s one of the hardest things to be addicted to.  It’s not like you can just say I’ll never eat again, you HAVE to eat.  Of course, you don’t have to eat chocolate, or ice cream, or fast food, or drink soda.  You can choose to eat healthier things, drink water, enjoy fresh fruit and veggies, make wise decisions as it were.  That is what I’m trying to do.  I’m trying to make wise decisions, for my health, for my children’s health, and for our future.  I want to be here with my husband for a long time, and I need to get myself in check if I am going to do that.  So, to that end, I got up this morning, and got on the elliptical machine.  I didn’t last very long, but it’s all in baby steps, right?  I ate my special k cinnamon pecan, awesome cereal, for breakfast, and had a grilled chicken salad for lunch.  This afternoon B and I made a fruit salad.  Oranges, apples, grapes and strawberries.  We left the bananas out this time.  A & B had pineapple and fresh cherries in theirs too.  Wise choices, that’s what I can do.  The rest, it’s up to God, and I know He won’t let me down, if I do my part, He will do the rest.

This post started out about stuff, then kind of went off on a tangent, sorry about that.  Back to my original thought, how much stuff is too much stuff?  How do you know when you have enough?  When do you just decide that enough is enough and be happy with the things God has blessed you with?  I’m struggling with that right now.  I have so much paper-crafting *stuff*.  I have tons of stamp sets, ink pads, markers, ribbons galore, paints, glittery stuff, brads, eyelets, rhinestones, scissors,   powders,  you name it and I’ve probably got it.  I could start my own store!  But the thing that’s bugging me is that I still want more.  I feel at times like Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory!  I’m impatient, I want new toys to play with, when I don’t play nearly enough with the toys I have.  Another thing I have a ton of is books, I have read every book I have, well, not counting the Bible studies I haven’t done yet or all the translations I have of the Bible, haven’t read through all those yet.  I plan to one day, but I digress, again… When does a person simply say enough is enough and let go of that incessant need to have more things.  I so want to be there, I desire so deep within my heart and soul to just let go of my stuff and just be, just enjoy who God made me to be.  I’ve become so wrapped up in having this stuff, that I think it’s detracting from who I am.  I am becoming defined by my stuff, and I don’t want that.  So, to that end, I am on a budget for one, which I’ve never really had before when it came to those things.  I get a certain amount of money each pay period that I can use however I choose.  Secondly, I’m really becoming much more discriminating on what I buy.  I dont’ just rush out and buy the newest toy or newest Bible just because it’s new and I want it.  I am praying about what is the right thing to do.  How can I use this to further the Kingdom of God, how will this help me to grow in Christ.  If I can’t find answers that satisfy those questions, then I really don’t need it. 

I don’t know what is harder, eating healthier or trying to be more stuff healthy.  Either way, only through the Grace of God can I accomplish any of them…

in Him,

Trish

A funny thing…

Depression is a funny thing.  Two weeks ago I was so down.  I was ready to throw in the towel, I wanted God to take me home.  I didn’t want to play this game called life anymore.  Fortunately, God has other plans.  Thanks to my hubby’s determination I saw the doc, got a med change, went about my life, one day, sometimes one minute at a time, and mostly, I prayed. 

Prayer is a funny thing.  We don’t always get immediate answers, sometimes, God doesn’t answer at all, sometimes He just quietly sits and listens, letting us find our own answers.  Other times, He gently tells us that He loves us so much, and He wants us to just let go and let Him take it all on for us.  Then again, at other times, He can be quite direct and blunt, telling us in no uncertain terms that He wants something different for us, and after all, He is God, so He knows best.  No matter how He answers though, He always loves us, of that I am absolutely certain. 

Life as a whole is a funny thing.  I think the writer of Forrest Gump said it best, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”  You don’t really.  Sometimes we think we do, we think, or at least I think, that I have it all figured out.  Things are going to happen a certain way, and then, Kaboom!!!!  The bottom falls out of my plans, or I trip and land on my face, or sometimes, it even feels like someone has kicked me in the back of the knee, causing me to fall.  The thing is though, no matter what causes me to stumble and fall, God is right there, loving me, and urging me on.

Lots of things are funny, but then again, isn’t laughter the best medicine?  Go giggle, and thank God for the gift of laughter and humor!

in Him,

Trish

Missing…

I’ve been wanting to post for a while now. Just haven’t made the time, but I put it out on Facebook and MySpace that I would be posting today, so I felt like I needed to do that. I don’t know what to say though, my words are a jumbled mess right now. All I can think about is where I was a year ago today, and how much I miss my Momma.

The year has flown by, things have settled down, it doesn’t seem like a year has gone by, but it has. 365 days that I haven’t spoken with her. 12 months that I haven’t been able to hug her, or more importantly, to be hugged by her. There is something about a Mother’s love that cannot be described. I feel it with my own children, I hope they feel it from me. It’s in the knowing, the knowing that she was there for me, no matter what. She was safe, I could always call or go to her, and she would put her arms around me, and for those seconds, all was right in the world. What I wouldn’t give to be able to rest my head on her lap again and have her stroke my hair, telling me that she loved me, without even opening her mouth. I miss her so much. I just pray that I show my children each and every day how much I love them, like she did with me. I know my Mother wasn’t perfect, no one is, but she was as close to perfect as a human could ever come in my eyes, she loved me with everything in her, all my life, and I am so grateful to God for giving her to me for the first 35 years of my life.

I had more time with my Momma than she had with hers. My Grandma died before I was born, I believe my Momma was about 26 or so when she lost her Mother. I know how hard it was for her, but she kept on going, for my sister, and for me. She loved all of us with a true love, all of her kids. Jimmy, Clyde, Danny, Sheryl, Ricky, Shannon, Pam and me. I miss her so much. I always will, but I will also always be so grateful for the time I had, and for knowing how much she loved me, and what a life she had. It wasn’t always happy and wonderful, but she lived it to the fullest, and made a difference in people. People loved her, because she loved them.

There are so many specific memories I have, it’s always been interesting to me the way some things stick in our head, and we remember them like they were yesterday, and then other things remain more as an impression, a feeling or a sound or a smell. I remember being at the store with her, and I could always find her when she coughed, I knew that sound even as a small child, and could distinguish her in a crowd of people by it. Her laughter, her smile, they radiated love. I can also remember that look she would get when I did something not quite right, lol. I remember the feeling of her hugging me, and of her stroking my hair. I remember specific situations, the exact way it felt to think I had disappointed her, or upset her, and the relief that came with the knowing that she still loved me just as much. No, my Momma wasn’t perfect, but she was mine. I miss her every day, and this day is especially hard. But I rest in Jesus’ arms, knowing that she is with Him, and she is no longer sick, she can dance as she loved to, and she is in Heaven, waiting until one day I will see her again.

Hug your children, hug your parents, let them all know how very much they are loved.

It’s a God thing…

So, I’ve been struggling. I’ve felt so disconnected since we’ve moved, well, before that even. Just with everything going on, I haven’t made time for me to be close to God, and I’ve been feeling it. This weekend we tried out a different church than the one we’ve been attending since we got here. They have so many programs, and so many different groups, it seems like it might be a better fit for our family. We loved the service, it was awesome and such a great word. We filled out the first time visitors card, because well, we were first time visitors. One thing we checked off was interest in finding out more about their Women’s Ministry. So today I got a call from someone in their office who was just as sweet as she can be. We talked about the different groups and she’s going to have someone contact me from a couple of groups I’m interested in, they have a card making group, awesome, and a scrapbooking group, woohoo! They both meet monthly, which is awesome, and I can’t wait! Now, for the amazing part. They are also doing a Beth Moore Bible study on Tuesday nights. I’ve endevored to do a few Beth Moore studies, they’re awesome and so just amazing to participate in. I’ve never managed to make a whole one though, something always comes up or happens and I have to drop out. Well, the one they are working through right now is Believing God. I was so excited, because I really wanted to do that one, but didn’t even make it to the halfway point and something happened. So, she said she’d have the leader call me. I jumped off the phone and started digging around for my participant book and found it. I got through week 3 last time, that’s it. Week 3. I figured they’re probably already past that, but that’s ok, I’ll just start where they are and finish. Well, the leader called me within like 5 minutes and we talked. It was like talking to an old friend, she was so sweet and so nice. Then, she tells me, we just watched the week 3 video last week, and I burst into tears. I was so floored, is this not a work of God or what? This study is all about believing what God tells us, and I so need to remember to do that. Then, what does He do, but put me right at the perfect place at the perfect time. What an amazing God we serve!

Hmmm…

You know that e-mail from God post the other day? Well, this is what I got from KLove this morning…

Rejoice in our confident hope. Be patient in trouble, and keep on praying.Romans 12:12, NLT