It doesn’t matter what you call it…

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that the past month or so has been stressful, to say the least. You might say that last Sunday, my last thread finally snapped.

There were issues when we picked the kids up from their dad. I became very distraught, and eventually just lost it completely. When we got home, I had decided that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to leave. Donovan wasn’t buying into my thoughts though, and wouldn’t let me go. Instead, he called one of my friends over to help me. She came, and talked, listened, prayed, held me, let me cry and rant, then prayed some more, until finally, I calmed down and came inside. At which point, another friend called just to see how I was doing (she knew how stressed I had been) and when Donovan told her what was going on, she insisted on coming over for us. I was calm by the time she got here, well, calmer, but just knowing how much she cared, that she not only called just to check, but then came over, late at night, just to make sure and see if she could do anything for us!

Monday morning, Donovan called my psychiatrist for an appointment, and we got in to see her that afternoon. She could see how agitated I was, and after just a few minutes of talking knew that medication changes were needed. As upset and anxious as I was at that time, she suggested that I be admitted to a treatment center while my medications were adjusted. So, that is where I was from Monday the 31st until Saturday, the 5th.

I spoke with the treating psychiatrist on Tuesday morning, and he suggested that we take me off the anti-depressant that I was on, and try a more aggressive medication. He put me on Lithium and Invega starting Tuesday night. Being hospitalized while this was going on, they were able to take me off the anti-depressant VERY quickly. Normally you have to step down slowly, but by Friday I was no longer taking the anti-depressant. I’ve seen a difference in my moods and anxiety since probably Thursday. It’s getting progressively better. Lithium can take a couple of weeks to reach a constant therapeutic level from my understanding, so I’m still anxious at times, but I’m coping with it better and better each day.

I saw my outpatient psychiatrist today, and she immediately commented as to how much better I look today than I did a week ago. Tomorrow I go to have blood drawn. With Lithium, they have to draw your blood somewhat frequently at first, to check the levels. There should be a certain level of Lithium in your blood, what they call the “therapeutic level”. When they checked them in the hospital on Thursday, I was a little low, but since the med has to build up, it should be about right now based on previous experience and knowledge of the medication. If the levels are good, I won’t see the doc again until next Monday, if there is a problem, she’ll call me to come in sooner.

We discussed diagnosis with the psychiatrist today. When I was hospitalized back in 2005, the diagnosis they gave me at that time was *Bipolar II*, how they explained that was bipolar without full blown mania. My outpatient psychiatrist wasn’t convinced of that, and tends to lean more towards PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the abuse, anxiety and major depression. This time I left the hospital again with a diagnosis of *Bipolar II*, however, I have a better understanding of what that is because of all the reading I’ve done due to B’s diagnosis. My outpatient psychiatrist still isn’t convinced that I meet diagnostic criteria for a Bipolar Spectrum Disorder, however, she said today that it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you treat the symptoms that are present, and base the treatment plan on the symptoms and such, not on just a diagnosis.

God has so blessed us with such wonderful friends, through this whole ordeal, my friends have been so amazingly awesome! You all know who you are, but I have to say how wonderful you all have been and continue to be. From watching my children, homeschooling one of them for us, making arrangements for them to be picked up from school, calling the church to let them know what was going on, bringing dinner, being here, calling and checking on us, and most importantly, praying, non-stop. Without even being asked at times, you have known what we needed, and been there no matter what the request, how big or small. You truly are what friends are, and you totally get what it means to say, “it’s in the job description”!!! Thank you to each of you, more than I can ever express. God truly blessed me when He brought each of you into my life, and I am so thankful!

He’s home…

Hooray! We got the call that the doctor had discharged B at about 9:00 this morning! We picked him up at 11:00, it was the quickest hospital discharge I think I’ve ever seen! We were out of there by 11:30!!! We stopped for lunch on the way home, Long John Silver’s (B’s choice). He was so happy to be coming home! He’s seemed very anxious today, difficulty making decisions, worrying that someone is mad at him. One of his friend’s came by and wanted him to go outside. B told him no thank you, he had just got home. Then B told me that he didn’t want to go outside, he wanted to stay with his mommy!

I think the most awesome display of excitement came from the dog though! When B walked through the door, I swear that Chip jumped up and could have landed on B’s head! He bounced and bounced at him, soooo excited! Everyone missed B while he was away!

Tomorrow morning we are going to my mom’s for Easter. The kids are all excited! I am too, more than anything though, I’m tired at this point. It’s been a long two weeks w/ B in the hospital, but he’s home now, and I’m better.

Happy Easter!!!

Good visit…

We had a great visit w/ B tonight! We called on the way, to let them know that we were bringing dinner for him. Somehow, the message got lost, so he had already eaten, but he ate a couple of onion rings, and totally enjoyed the vanilla shake. He was really in a good mood. He spoke w/ the doctor today, who told him that he will be going home either tomorrow after our family session, or Friday. He is really excited about that. We walked around the grounds. He & Donovan played *ball* with the little seed-type things. It was so awesome to see B playing and enjoying himself.

He told us that they are going to take blood tomorrow. He wasn’t nervous about that at all. According to him, it hurts more to get a shot than to have blood taken. This difference is because when you get a shot they are putting stuff in, not taking it out, according to him anyway. We talked some about how with his new medication, he will probably be having blood drawn quite often at first, and why. He seemed interested in how the meds need to be kept at a certain level in his blood. We also talked about how he gets hot at night, and can’t sleep. I was telling him that I have learned that he gets so hot because of the disorder, he seemed to find that interesting as well. I pointed out to him that since we now know there is a neurological disorder involved, we can focus on finding the right medication(s) and therapies to help deal with things.

He got down when it was time to go in, and he said he didn’t feel well. We talked through it though. I reminded him that he just needed to hang on a couple of more days. He was good when we left.

Now we’re just praying that the family session in the morning goes well. Hopefully my questions about blood levels, medication levels, dosing schedules, etc., will all be answered. If not, then I will make sure they are before we leave the hospital with him.

I’m hoping to find some support groups here locally that we can participate in before we move. I’m also looking forward to when we move, and what is available out there as well. So many changes going on, it’s exciting! I’m really feeling hopeful at this point! This diagnosis is just the beginning, of a looong road, but it is the beginning of help for my baby boy! Which is ultimately, help for our whole family.

Thank you Jesus for holding us through this, we could not make it without your love and support holding us up. People keep asking me how I’m doing, and I say I’ve got a few threads left. I do, and they are all being held in the hand of the Savior! Praise God for doctors and scientists who are studying the brain, and trying to find a cure for this disorder! Thank you for bringing us through this, let it bring glory to you God!

Friday?

Yesterday I got a call from the therapist, we have a family session scheduled for Thursday at 11:00 am. She said the doctor requested it, and said that he will probably go home after the session. Probably NOT Thursday, but Friday.

Last night when we visited, B was NOT happy to hear that he would be there until Friday. We visited for about 8 minutes, and then he just walked out. He was very upset that we can’t just take him home now. One thing that I am learning about this disorder is that the need for instant gratification B has is not just him, that is part of the disorder. He did call me last night though, he was quite hyper when he called, but he got sad at one point, he was calling to tell me he was sorry for walking away, and for being angry. I told him he doesn’t need to apologize for being angry, he has the right to be angry and frustrated, I understand that. I am glad that he walked away, rather than lost control. Then of course, he was done talking, and wanted to go watch his movie. lol

I’m praying for a better visit tonight when we go.

Changes are happening…

Yesterday, we spoke with the doctor. He didn’t have an answer as to why the psych testing hasn’t been done yet, he was trying to find that out. As far as he knew, the psychologist was supposed to be there on Sunday. Hopefully the doctor will have an answer to that question today for us.

In the meantime, without the testing, at this point, the doctor’s diagnosis is Bipolar. He put in orders to change B’s meds last night, and when we spoke with the nurse this morning, B has had 2 doses of the new medication at this point. We are praying that this will be a turning point for B. The medication that the doctor has started him on will require frequent blood checks, in order to monitor the level of medication in his blood. From everything that I am reading, once we get to his dosage, then it will be every 4-6 weeks, just to make sure that things are staying level. This medication has a very high success rate, and has shown to be extremely helpful for rapid cycling bipolar patients. I’ve been thinking this was what was going on for some time, reading different information about this disorder, it’s like reading about our life, since B was born. From the way he nursed, fussed, slept, everything, it fits. There is a LOT of help and information out there, now that we know what is going on, I’m feeling pretty good about the next steps.

Last night at our visit, B was pretty down about still being in the hospital. He wants to come home, understandably. I want him home too, but I also want the doctors to do everything they need to do, including monitoring his medication change as closely as possible, watching his moods, and hopefully getting the psych testing done. B got pretty upset that I wouldn’t just take him home last night, and walked away. When my mom talked to him on the phone later, he was doing better though. This morning they said he is in a happy mood, was even somewhat hyper after breakfast.

Donovan called me this morning, he spoke with one of his supervisors, and due to the things going on, the military has a special provision for situations like this, where he can take several days leave with pay, without it coming out of his leave bank. Hopefully that will get approved today, and he will be home for the next several days with us, to try and get everything taken care of that we need to. I’m so grateful to be a military family at this point. There are a lot of negatives, but the positives, and the way they take care of people is just awesome.

I know that the only way I am getting through this is because of God holding me up, and Donovan holding the other side up. God is holding us both up, and we are holding each other. I know that God brought this wonderful man into my life, and I know that the experiences we both have gone through, brought us to the point where together, we are facing this challenge, head on, and going to make it!

Praise God for all things, He uses them for His Glory!

Tonight…

Whataburger, that’s what B wanted for dinner! He called home about an hour or so before we left, he asked for Long John Silver’s, but I didn’t know of one close, so he said Whataburger instead? We all had milkshakes, well, D had a coke, he was offered a shake, but chose coke instead. In fact, we all had the same thing for dinner, chicken strips, except D, he had a burger. It was his night to be unique I guess!

B brought out paper airplanes, and after they ate, the kids were having airplane flying contests. It was so awesome to see them playing so good together. B seemed to be nervous at first, but I think he had fun playing. It was really windy though, so the planes weren’t flying all that great. It was hilarious though, some of them kept flying backwards because of the wind. Too cute!

They still hadn’t done the psych testing when we were there. First thing tomorrow morning I am going to try to get in touch with the doctor and the therapist to find out what is going on with that. When we checked him in, the admitting doctor said that there would probably be med changes right away, but it’s been 6 days now, and no changes. Hopefully we will get to talk to someone tomorrow and get some answers.

Please keep praying, God is listening, and He is holding us up, because I know if it wasn’t for His arms around me holding me up, I would have fallen down a LOOOONG time ago!

Dinner

Last night when we got to the hospital, we found out B had been moved to *green* level, which means he is allowed off his unit! Hooray! He got to go have dinner in the cafeteria, and go to the gym yesterday. He was really excited about that. Tonight we are all going up to have dinner with him, A is very excited! We all are, but she is especially.

During our visit last night, he was up and down. He started off kind of down. Sad because his brother and sister weren’t there, but then he was excited because Aunt Pam and Granny were! While we were visiting, he was quite pingy (hyper). He bounced around, being really silly, etc. Very excited. I don’t know if that was because Granny & Aunt Pam were there, or if it was because we were visiting outside on the grounds, or a combination of the two, but he was definitely wound. He got quiet towards the end of our visit, which is to be expected. But he was in a good mood when he went back inside, and took off to take a shower.

They are supposed to be doing his Psychological Testing today. Bryan told us that the doctor said they are hoping to have his test results quickly. He might be able to come home Tuesday at this point. We’re still hanging in here, just kind of waiting. We asked that the doctor call us today, but haven’t heard anything from him yet.

Like I said, we’re just hanging in here, waiting to see what happens from one day to another. I’m tired. I miss him. I cleaned up his school area yesterday, it made me sad. I want him home, but I also want to know what is going on inside him, so we can figure out what to do to help him. I want that sweet loving boy back that I know is inside there. The one who cried if you killed a spider, not got excited about killing snakes. The boy who throws his arms around you and says he loves you. I know he is still in there somewhere, we just need help in figuring out how to get him back…

Keep praying…

Still waiting…

Thank you everyone who is praying for us, it is working…

For those of you who don’t know all the details, we took B Monday night to a psychiatric treatment center. He started the night off good, but after his shower, he “fell” down the stairs, intentionally. On his way down, he knocked A out of the way, and fortunately she didn’t fall, just hit the wall and bruised her finger. After that, he became very aggressive, hitting, kicking, saying hateful things. At one point, he did calm down, and was saying that he did not like feeling that way, and did not want to really hurt us, but felt like someone else was making him do and say these things. We tried to get him upstairs to his room, but he became agitated again and had to be carried upstairs. He was very angry at that, and could not be calmed down at that point. We made the decision to call the hospital, they had a bed available, and recommended bringing him in based on the behaviors we were describing. He did not want to go. When Donovan left to take the other two children to a friend’s so we could take B to the hospital, he was adamant that he was not going. We, I say we it was actually Donovan, carried him out of his room, down the stairs, and to the car. B was not happy. He fought all the way, threatening us and himself, throwing things in the car. He finally calmed down, but when we got to the hospital, he got wound back up, and had to be carried in and restrained. They finally got him to calm down, thankfully without having to give him anything. He has been there since then. He will be in the hospital until early in the week at least. The psychiatrist has ordered psychological testing, which should be done today or tomorrow (we were hoping for sooner, but there were insurance problems). Right now I’m praying that we will get results before he is discharged. Thus far there have not been any medication changes, and the diagnosis is still Mood Disorder NOS and Anxiety Disorder NOS. We are praying that the psych testing will reveal a more specific diagnosis, which will give us a better idea of where to go with treatment. He has had one episode there at the hospital, which has not happened with any of his prior hospitalizations. This gives them a more clear picture of what his symptoms and behaviors are, and that will help to determine a better diagnosis and treatment plan. Again, right now, we are just in a holding pattern, trying to figure out which way to go with this, and what will help him the most.

D & A are doing OK with all this. They are worried about B of course. A is upset because being 9 years old, she cannot go onto the unit with B to visit him, and he cannot come outside yet. Yesterday she got to see him through the window and wave, blow kisses, and tell him she loves him in sign language. That made her feel better. We are trying to keep things as normal as possible for them, and thanks to all our wonderful friends for helping us to do that! I don’t know how we would be getting through this without you all!

Just keep praying, it is all in God’s hands, and He will get us through this and use it for good according to His will…

Thank you again for your prayers and well wishes.