How did this happen?

I’ve answered the question, “why did you stay” plenty of times. No one ever asks how this happened though. I cannot think of one time when someone asked me how I found myself in that position.

There isn’t a simple answer to that question. It kind of sneaks up on you. You don’t wake up one morning and suddenly decide, “gee, I think I’d like to be in an abusive relationship.” For me, it was a combination of things. I was so insecure, and I was so young, and I just wanted someone to love me more than anything. I wanted someone to love me beyond reason. When we first started dating, he was so very attentive. He couldn’t stand to be away from me for any length of time. It was flattering, it fed into that need I had. That need to be loved, to be wanted.

Really it all goes back to the insecurity though. I was so insecure, even though I didn’t act it, inside I was just a scared kid. Of course, being 18, I could never admit that. I thought that I knew everything, and that if I just worked hard enough, it would work out. I never wanted to be abused, I never wanted to be hurt. I just wanted to be loved. He just didn’t know how to do that.

I could get into why he did it. His reasons, he was abused as a child, his mother was abused by his father and step-father, etc. etc. It doesnt really matter why he did it, it’s all just an excuse. In reality, he wanted someone that he could love in the only way he knew how, to control them. I was an easy target.

I hope someday that I will be able to help other women and girls to not be easy targets. To have enough sense of self and worth that they never wake up one morning with the thought of, “what am I living?”

Ramblings

Things are so busy around here right now! The kids are settling into a routine thank goodness!

We haven’t had any major issues at school, the only problem thus far has been lack of self control when it’s not time to talk on B’s part. I’m so thankful for that!

I took D to school this morning instead of him riding the bus. There was a Student Council meeting this morning, and he’s decided that he wants to be involved in Student Council. I was so proud watching him walk into the school this morning. You see, when I was his age, I would never have had the nerve to go to a meeting like that unless I knew that some of my friends were going, and even then I don’t know if I would have actually gone or not. I was so biting my lip this morning so that I wouldn’t push my own fears and insecurities off onto him. It’s so amazing to me that all three of them are so secure. I hope that means I’m doing something right!

Yesterday was a bad day for me. September has been a hard month for me the past few years. I don’t know why yet, but I’m working on that. Yesterday I had a semi-panic attack. The first I’ve had in a LONG time. It was so scary. I so don’t want to be back where I was before. It’ s so easy for me to hear all the negative self talk, and run with it. I’m constantly battling that. I have to remind myself continuously that I am a child of the King, and that He loves me, and made me who I am, for His glory. I was listening to the new Casting Crowns CD this morning after I dropped D off. At first, I wasn’t really fond of it. But the more I listen, the more I hear God talking to me through these songs. He did the same thing with their last CD Lifesong, but The Altar and The Door is so where I am now. I hear the lyrics to the title song, and to the song Somewhere In The Middle, and that is exactly what I am feeling. I KNOW that I need to fall into God, but somewhere in the middle of that knowledge, I am afraid to lose control. For a long time I had very little control of anything in my life. Now that I’m in a completely different situation, it’s hard for me to let go, and let God take over. I want to, which is I think, the first step. Now I need to take that second step and let Him have it. Trust that He truly does know what is best, and that He will care for me.

I remember when Christina first started talking to me about her relationship with Christ. I was so amazed by her faith. I realized that what I’ve always been looking for, that unconditional, sacrificial love was right there for me. That what I’ve searched for was Christ, I just didn’t know it. I remember that feeling of surrender. Somewhere along the way, I’ve gotten caught back up in the world, and what I’m supposed to be according to those standards. I don’t want to be that anymore, I don’t want to judge myself by the world’s standards. I need to remember that I am, “Fearfully & Wonderfully Made” (Psalm 139:14).

This is where YOU come in. I need prayer. I’m setting out on a journey that is hard for me, I’m going somewhere that I have never been, and I can only get there with God. I need for you my friend, to pray for me. It’s so hard to ask for people to help you, and to ask for prayer should be easy, but it’s not. As a human, I want people to like me, to see me as strong and capable. But I’m not. I am not strong, nor am I capable, except through the strength of Christ, my Savior. I ask you to please pray for me, that I will stay in the Word, that I will rely fully on my Lord to pull me out of this darkness I feel myself sinking into. I ask that you please pray that God will help me to eat only when I am hungry, not when I am sad or upset. That I will use food as fuel and nourishment for my body, not as a false god to hold me up when I am down.

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever said to anyone, and I feel somehow like I’m taking the easy out by posting this here instead of calling all my friends and speaking to them in person. Baby steps though, right? Love you all…