Transparency…

Have you ever noticed that although you can see through plastic wrap, it distorts whatever is inside?  Things look crinkly, or funny when viewed through it.  When you look through glass, there is no distortion though, or if there is, I’ve never noticed it.  Well, through my glasses things are distorted, but in a good way!  ;o)

I’ve been thinking a lot about transparency lately.  What does it mean for a person to be transparent?  How are we to be that way?  As a Christian, shouldn’t I strive to be more like glass than plastic wrap?  When we go to church, do we put on our plastic faces, or are we like glass, sharing and showing what is really going on in our lives?  I’ve worn the plastic face before.  Most of us probably have.  We don’t want to admit our brokenness.  Our need for God.  So many people today seem to think that since they are a Christian, they must not show that they are human.  We almost seem to want to show everyone else how wonderful things are, even when we hurt.  We all hurt.  We’ve all got trials.  Why not share them with your brothers and sisters in Christ?

In order to be willing to share, a person must feel safe.  That they can share.  That they won’t be judged or looked down upon.  In order for that to happen, they have to know that other people are hurting too.  That other people are just as broken and challenged in they are.  Not necessarily in the same way, but in one way or another.  We know that the Bible tells us all people have sinned, all people fall short of the Glory of God. (Romans 3:23)  I cannot speak for everyone else, but I tend to forget that.  As humans, we see the outside, we do not see the heart of other people, but we should.  That is part of being transparent.  Seeing a person’s heart, but in order to see it, they must let you.  They must be transparent, opening themselves up to show one another what their problems and trials are.  How they fall short.  How they hurt, how they are broken.  That goes back to feeling safe with one another.  It’s a vicious cycle.  How can I trust you, if you don’t trust me, but how can you trust me if I don’t trust you, etc. etc. etc.  Someone has to start.

I’ll go first… I’m human, I hurt, I fail, I struggle.  If you’ve read my blog before, you know some of my trials… I was in an abusive relationship, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, my son struggles with bipolar disorder, my husband was very ill earlier this year.  There is more than that though.  I struggle with prayer, making time daily to go to the Lord with praise, with hurts, with needs, for others.  I try, but I don’t always succeed, that’s part of my humanness.  I struggle with food.  In my first marriage when my husband turned angry, I would eat.  Not just over-eat, but binge.  I would drive through a fast food place, get several burgers, eat them so fast it would make your head spin, then go home and eat dinner so that no one would know I had already eaten, and so much.  I struggle with my self image.  Am I good enough?  Do people look at me differently because I’m over-weight?  Does that matter?  I struggle with reading the Bible as I should, I’m lazy, I don’t always do what I know is right.  Sometimes I do things for the wrong reasons, not putting God first, but putting my own needs and desires before His.  I spend too much money, not being a good steward of what God has given me.

This post wasn’t intended to be a confession of all my faults, but to encourage others to be transparent, to go to their brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask for whatever help they need.  Whether it is prayer, friendship, finances, whatever it is you are struggling with, take it to the cross, and take it to your brothers and sisters.  Part of being a family is helping one another, lifting one another up, supporting one another, and being that safe place for one another.  Family should be the one place that we can turn, when it seems that no one will understand, for support and help.  We cannot help one another if we aren’t transparent.  If we always put on our plastic faces and don’t let anyone see who we really are, and what our needs are.  What are your needs, how can your brothers and sisters lift you up, support you, and love you as Christ does?

in Him,

Tricia

Jesus, a magic eraser and the toaster…

We have a chrome toaster.  Very pretty when we got it, so shiny!  I love shiny!  The thing is though, as it’s been used, it’s gotten not so shiny.  In fact, I discovered today that it has gotten just downright gross.  The chrome was coated in that greasy residue that somehow collects on things in the kitchen.  It’s filled with crumbs and gunk.  Just nasty.  I started to clean it first with a sponge, and that didn’t work very well.  I was all ready to just chunk it in the garbage, how on earth can something so nasty ever be clean again?  It’s been a good toaster, but maybe it’s time to move on, perhaps it’s just too dirty.  I decided to try a magic eraser as a last ditch effort to clean the toaster.  WOW!  I knew those things were good, but man!  The grease just came right off.  Didn’t take hardly any elbow grease.  I was amazed!  It’s like new!  So shiny again!  

As I was wiping the toaster dry, it hit me, that’s what Jesus does for us!  He wipes us clean!  He is like the ultimate magic eraser!  Then, something else hit me, I’m like this toaster!  Dirty, worn out, seemingly past it’s usefulness, then, along comes Christ!  I opened my heart to Him, and BAM!  He wiped all the gunk and dirt away!  That’s what He does for us!  He cleans us, making us good as new!  But, not really.  He does even more than that!  While the magic eraser cleaned the outside of the toaster great, I can’t get the inside with it.  It’s still full of crumbs.  Jesus even gets the insides of us clean!  He comes in and washes us pure, really, makes us better than we ever were, because He took our dirt and grime and grease and gunk on Himself at Calvary!  While the magic eraser is a great tool, it’s nothing compared to Jesus!  The toaster will get dirty again, and I’ll have to attack it with yet another magic eraser.  Jesus washes us clean once and for all times!  Our salvation through Him at the cross is complete.  We don’t have to go back to Him over and over for the same thing, it’s done.  When He said, “It is finished” He meant it.  It is finished, clean, never to be undone.  Once we make that transaction, accepting what He did for us, we are clean, in a way that is unimaginable!  What we must do is accept that.  The toaster doesn’t have a brain, it doesn’t know that it was once dirty.  We do.  We remember our failures, our dirt, our grime and grease.  He cleans us, wipes us shiny again, so to speak, outside and in, but we have to accept it.  The toaster does not have to accept it’s cleanliness or dirtiness, it just is.  We on the other hand, being capable of intelligent thought, sometimes anyway, remember it all.  We have to accept His washing away of our sludge and dirt.  Once we fully accept that, we can shine!

One last note, I noticed these markings on the side of the toaster as I was wiping it dry…

The ICTHUS on the side of the toaster...

What an amazing God we serve that He would use a toaster and a magic eraser to reinforce His amazing love for us!

Adorable…

This guy is adorable, and what a perfect telling of the birth of Jesus…

Hottie…

An interesting conversation this evening. A told me that while she was walking to her friend’s house this afternoon, some of B’s friends were out playing, and they called her “hottie”. She didn’t know what it meant. How do you explain that to an 8 year old? I just told her it was like saying she was pretty. D was not amused. He said, “I don’t want A going outside if B’s friends are going to say that to her. She’s to young for a love affair!” It was kind of neat to see him get so defensive of his little sister. I explained to him that someone saying that wasn’t a love affair, and that we can’t lock her in the house, no matter how much we might like to. B was concerned as well, but not quite as vocal as D was. He wanted to know who, and that was it. You could tell by the look on his face though that he was not amused. Of course, this led to discussions with all three of them about treating people with respect, and honor. Not quite sure what to do though, if anything. While I don’t think it’s a good idea to go charging out after a bunch of 10year olds, I do think that they need to understand that saying something like that could be disrespectful in a way. Hmmm, something to ponder and pray over.

In other news, B had his first guitar lesson tonight. It went very well. He LOVED it! When I got back to pick him up, he was telling me that he learned a song! The theme song from Jaws! I can’t wait to hear it tomorrow. He wasn’t able to play it for me this evening because by the time we got home it was a quick shower, re-bandage his arm, and off to bed. We had to make a stop at Family Christian Store on the way home. Bryan got a new guitar pick…

On that note, I’m going to go read another couple of chapters of my new book.

Ramblings

Things are so busy around here right now! The kids are settling into a routine thank goodness!

We haven’t had any major issues at school, the only problem thus far has been lack of self control when it’s not time to talk on B’s part. I’m so thankful for that!

I took D to school this morning instead of him riding the bus. There was a Student Council meeting this morning, and he’s decided that he wants to be involved in Student Council. I was so proud watching him walk into the school this morning. You see, when I was his age, I would never have had the nerve to go to a meeting like that unless I knew that some of my friends were going, and even then I don’t know if I would have actually gone or not. I was so biting my lip this morning so that I wouldn’t push my own fears and insecurities off onto him. It’s so amazing to me that all three of them are so secure. I hope that means I’m doing something right!

Yesterday was a bad day for me. September has been a hard month for me the past few years. I don’t know why yet, but I’m working on that. Yesterday I had a semi-panic attack. The first I’ve had in a LONG time. It was so scary. I so don’t want to be back where I was before. It’ s so easy for me to hear all the negative self talk, and run with it. I’m constantly battling that. I have to remind myself continuously that I am a child of the King, and that He loves me, and made me who I am, for His glory. I was listening to the new Casting Crowns CD this morning after I dropped D off. At first, I wasn’t really fond of it. But the more I listen, the more I hear God talking to me through these songs. He did the same thing with their last CD Lifesong, but The Altar and The Door is so where I am now. I hear the lyrics to the title song, and to the song Somewhere In The Middle, and that is exactly what I am feeling. I KNOW that I need to fall into God, but somewhere in the middle of that knowledge, I am afraid to lose control. For a long time I had very little control of anything in my life. Now that I’m in a completely different situation, it’s hard for me to let go, and let God take over. I want to, which is I think, the first step. Now I need to take that second step and let Him have it. Trust that He truly does know what is best, and that He will care for me.

I remember when Christina first started talking to me about her relationship with Christ. I was so amazed by her faith. I realized that what I’ve always been looking for, that unconditional, sacrificial love was right there for me. That what I’ve searched for was Christ, I just didn’t know it. I remember that feeling of surrender. Somewhere along the way, I’ve gotten caught back up in the world, and what I’m supposed to be according to those standards. I don’t want to be that anymore, I don’t want to judge myself by the world’s standards. I need to remember that I am, “Fearfully & Wonderfully Made” (Psalm 139:14).

This is where YOU come in. I need prayer. I’m setting out on a journey that is hard for me, I’m going somewhere that I have never been, and I can only get there with God. I need for you my friend, to pray for me. It’s so hard to ask for people to help you, and to ask for prayer should be easy, but it’s not. As a human, I want people to like me, to see me as strong and capable. But I’m not. I am not strong, nor am I capable, except through the strength of Christ, my Savior. I ask you to please pray for me, that I will stay in the Word, that I will rely fully on my Lord to pull me out of this darkness I feel myself sinking into. I ask that you please pray that God will help me to eat only when I am hungry, not when I am sad or upset. That I will use food as fuel and nourishment for my body, not as a false god to hold me up when I am down.

This is probably the hardest thing I have ever said to anyone, and I feel somehow like I’m taking the easy out by posting this here instead of calling all my friends and speaking to them in person. Baby steps though, right? Love you all…