A funny thing…

Depression is a funny thing.  Two weeks ago I was so down.  I was ready to throw in the towel, I wanted God to take me home.  I didn’t want to play this game called life anymore.  Fortunately, God has other plans.  Thanks to my hubby’s determination I saw the doc, got a med change, went about my life, one day, sometimes one minute at a time, and mostly, I prayed. 

Prayer is a funny thing.  We don’t always get immediate answers, sometimes, God doesn’t answer at all, sometimes He just quietly sits and listens, letting us find our own answers.  Other times, He gently tells us that He loves us so much, and He wants us to just let go and let Him take it all on for us.  Then again, at other times, He can be quite direct and blunt, telling us in no uncertain terms that He wants something different for us, and after all, He is God, so He knows best.  No matter how He answers though, He always loves us, of that I am absolutely certain. 

Life as a whole is a funny thing.  I think the writer of Forrest Gump said it best, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”  You don’t really.  Sometimes we think we do, we think, or at least I think, that I have it all figured out.  Things are going to happen a certain way, and then, Kaboom!!!!  The bottom falls out of my plans, or I trip and land on my face, or sometimes, it even feels like someone has kicked me in the back of the knee, causing me to fall.  The thing is though, no matter what causes me to stumble and fall, God is right there, loving me, and urging me on.

Lots of things are funny, but then again, isn’t laughter the best medicine?  Go giggle, and thank God for the gift of laughter and humor!

in Him,

Trish

Changes…

So we (B & I) saw the psychiatrist (pdoc) yesterday. She is very pleased with how well B is doing, although his lithium levels are still somewhat low. So, she increased his lithium dosage a bit. She has him taking the increase at bedtime, which she said might help him to sleep more, which would mean we can get him off one of his other meds. That is good imo. The fewer the medications the better.

As for me, we’ve noticed that the lithium doesn’t really seem to be doing much for me. She’s slowly increasing the anti-depressant I was on before, as well as bringing in another medication for depression. If this regimen seems to work, then we’ll slowly phase out the lithium. We see her again in two weeks.

That’s all the *medical* stuff. Someone asked me how I’m feeling though. It’s hard to be honest with that. Like most people, I want to wear the I’m good mask. When people ask how are you, I tend to say, OK. Or I’m good, things like that. In reality, I’m depressed. I’m more down than I’ve been in a Loooong time. I am functioning, but I have my moments. I would much rather sleep all day and not get up than actually get moving and do things. I’m really snippy/short tempered with everyone. Like Donovan says though, we’re working on it. I know that it’s a medical problem, and that there is a medication out there that will help, I’ve just got to find it. I have an appointment on the 23rd with a new therapist. That should help with dealing with things. One thing at a time. One day at a time. That’s the trick, just to do one thing at a time, one day at a time, as I can make myself get up and move. I did do some stampin’ the past few days. In fact, I’ve scheduled a class! Woohoo! Baby steps!!! What’s next…

Randomness…

I’m feeling random tonight!

I stamped 3 cards today! Hooray! Small signs of normalcy continue! Granted, they were cased from other people, but by golly, I stamped! They weren’t exact cases either, I changed some things on a couple of them! I know, this isn’t my *stampin’ blog* but oh well!

I’m doing better, not quite so irritable, although, that’s easy to say when I’ve been stampin’ all day, and the kids have all been off at friends houses swimming! Baby steps, right?

B & I both see the pdoc tomorrow. She got our lithium levels back last week and apparently they are still somewhat low. I don’t know if she’s going to want to increase again or not. I guess I’ll find that out tomorrow afternoon.

I got the sweetest e-mail today from my *niece* asking about B’s disorder and wanting to learn about it. I thought it was sweet that she’s so concerned. Just more proof that God is surrounding all of us with loving friends!

The real reason I came to post right now was because I was listening to my playlist earlier on my myspace page, and heard a song I haven’t heard in a LONG time! It’s called, “Set Me Free” by Casting Crowns. It’s an amazing song, and never fails to drive me to tears, big sobbing tears too! It so eloquently speaks to what living with depression and/or bipolar is like.

When we saw Casting Crowns in concert 2 1/2 years ago, I had just gotten home from my first hospitalization. When they sang this song, I really lost it. They started it out by reading from scripture, from Mark Chapter 5, the story of the man possessed by many demons. Then they went into this song, and I gotta tell you, I was blown away. It was such a moving and amazing moment! Anyway, earlier today when I was stamping and listening to my playlist and this song came on, it floored me just like it did 2 1/2 years ago. If you haven’t heard it, check out the video above…

It doesn’t matter what you call it…

If you’ve read my blog before, you know that the past month or so has been stressful, to say the least. You might say that last Sunday, my last thread finally snapped.

There were issues when we picked the kids up from their dad. I became very distraught, and eventually just lost it completely. When we got home, I had decided that everyone would be better off without me, and I wanted to leave. Donovan wasn’t buying into my thoughts though, and wouldn’t let me go. Instead, he called one of my friends over to help me. She came, and talked, listened, prayed, held me, let me cry and rant, then prayed some more, until finally, I calmed down and came inside. At which point, another friend called just to see how I was doing (she knew how stressed I had been) and when Donovan told her what was going on, she insisted on coming over for us. I was calm by the time she got here, well, calmer, but just knowing how much she cared, that she not only called just to check, but then came over, late at night, just to make sure and see if she could do anything for us!

Monday morning, Donovan called my psychiatrist for an appointment, and we got in to see her that afternoon. She could see how agitated I was, and after just a few minutes of talking knew that medication changes were needed. As upset and anxious as I was at that time, she suggested that I be admitted to a treatment center while my medications were adjusted. So, that is where I was from Monday the 31st until Saturday, the 5th.

I spoke with the treating psychiatrist on Tuesday morning, and he suggested that we take me off the anti-depressant that I was on, and try a more aggressive medication. He put me on Lithium and Invega starting Tuesday night. Being hospitalized while this was going on, they were able to take me off the anti-depressant VERY quickly. Normally you have to step down slowly, but by Friday I was no longer taking the anti-depressant. I’ve seen a difference in my moods and anxiety since probably Thursday. It’s getting progressively better. Lithium can take a couple of weeks to reach a constant therapeutic level from my understanding, so I’m still anxious at times, but I’m coping with it better and better each day.

I saw my outpatient psychiatrist today, and she immediately commented as to how much better I look today than I did a week ago. Tomorrow I go to have blood drawn. With Lithium, they have to draw your blood somewhat frequently at first, to check the levels. There should be a certain level of Lithium in your blood, what they call the “therapeutic level”. When they checked them in the hospital on Thursday, I was a little low, but since the med has to build up, it should be about right now based on previous experience and knowledge of the medication. If the levels are good, I won’t see the doc again until next Monday, if there is a problem, she’ll call me to come in sooner.

We discussed diagnosis with the psychiatrist today. When I was hospitalized back in 2005, the diagnosis they gave me at that time was *Bipolar II*, how they explained that was bipolar without full blown mania. My outpatient psychiatrist wasn’t convinced of that, and tends to lean more towards PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of the abuse, anxiety and major depression. This time I left the hospital again with a diagnosis of *Bipolar II*, however, I have a better understanding of what that is because of all the reading I’ve done due to B’s diagnosis. My outpatient psychiatrist still isn’t convinced that I meet diagnostic criteria for a Bipolar Spectrum Disorder, however, she said today that it doesn’t really matter what you call it, you treat the symptoms that are present, and base the treatment plan on the symptoms and such, not on just a diagnosis.

God has so blessed us with such wonderful friends, through this whole ordeal, my friends have been so amazingly awesome! You all know who you are, but I have to say how wonderful you all have been and continue to be. From watching my children, homeschooling one of them for us, making arrangements for them to be picked up from school, calling the church to let them know what was going on, bringing dinner, being here, calling and checking on us, and most importantly, praying, non-stop. Without even being asked at times, you have known what we needed, and been there no matter what the request, how big or small. You truly are what friends are, and you totally get what it means to say, “it’s in the job description”!!! Thank you to each of you, more than I can ever express. God truly blessed me when He brought each of you into my life, and I am so thankful!

Increased…

Thursday night was rough. B came in from outside just furious, according to him, another child’s dad had yelled at him and threatened to “kick his a##”. He was insistent that we talk to his other friend who witnessed the whole thing. Donovan & I talked it over, what do we do? We know that B sometimes perceives things as more threatening than they are, and that when that happens, it’s real to him, nothing we do can change his mind about it, he’s completely inflexible about it. We thought about going over and talking to the parent, explaining what is going on, we just weren’t sure. There is such a stigma with this disorder, people hear “Bipolar” and think horrible things. It’s not very well understood by doctors yet, so it’s definitely not understood by most people who haven’t’ dealt with it. I don’t know if we’re ready to educate the neighborhood at this point though, we’re still learning! Donovan had to run to the store, and on his way, happened to see the other little boy outside playing. He asked him what had happened, and he said that the man had come out, told them to leave his daughter alone, and get off his property. He wasn’t yelling, didn’t swear or threaten anyone. Again a case of feeling threatened and locking onto that, needing that control over the situation. When Donovan got home everything was fine, B had calmed down and was playing w/ his brother. A little bit later though, everything exploded. B had yelled at D for something and D asked him to leave his room, at which point B totally lost it. He was furious, cussing, calling names, the whole nine yards. He was not being physical at least, and we were so thankful for that! From that point on though, he was being very defiant and angry. He didn’t want to shower, he didn’t want to go to bed. We told him that he needed to calm down, and take a break. He wasn’t being physical so we left him alone. The next thing you know, he’s in the shower. I went to tell him it was time to get out, and he had no towel. When I asked him about it, he fell apart crying that he was sorry and just stupid. I reassured him as best as I could, and he got out. Then he was ok for the most part.

Yesterday the psychiatrist had us increase B’s dosage on his new med to 2x a day. She received the blood work back, and his level was at a 0.3, therapeutic levels are around 1.0-1.2. So now he is getting 300mg of Lithium in the morning, and again in the evening. Hopefully this will get him where he needs to be and we’ll start seeing more stability and control. He started getting the increased dosage yesterday.

The kids went to their dad’s today. They were all excited about going and seeing him and their little brother. They are supposed to go to a place that’s kind of like Malibu Castle. Hopefully it won’t be too much for B to handle. He doesn’t usually have episodes at his dad’s, but I think the stress of holding it together there is rough on him, and we’ve usually got a rough day or two when he gets home. We shall see how it goes!

Changes are happening…

Yesterday, we spoke with the doctor. He didn’t have an answer as to why the psych testing hasn’t been done yet, he was trying to find that out. As far as he knew, the psychologist was supposed to be there on Sunday. Hopefully the doctor will have an answer to that question today for us.

In the meantime, without the testing, at this point, the doctor’s diagnosis is Bipolar. He put in orders to change B’s meds last night, and when we spoke with the nurse this morning, B has had 2 doses of the new medication at this point. We are praying that this will be a turning point for B. The medication that the doctor has started him on will require frequent blood checks, in order to monitor the level of medication in his blood. From everything that I am reading, once we get to his dosage, then it will be every 4-6 weeks, just to make sure that things are staying level. This medication has a very high success rate, and has shown to be extremely helpful for rapid cycling bipolar patients. I’ve been thinking this was what was going on for some time, reading different information about this disorder, it’s like reading about our life, since B was born. From the way he nursed, fussed, slept, everything, it fits. There is a LOT of help and information out there, now that we know what is going on, I’m feeling pretty good about the next steps.

Last night at our visit, B was pretty down about still being in the hospital. He wants to come home, understandably. I want him home too, but I also want the doctors to do everything they need to do, including monitoring his medication change as closely as possible, watching his moods, and hopefully getting the psych testing done. B got pretty upset that I wouldn’t just take him home last night, and walked away. When my mom talked to him on the phone later, he was doing better though. This morning they said he is in a happy mood, was even somewhat hyper after breakfast.

Donovan called me this morning, he spoke with one of his supervisors, and due to the things going on, the military has a special provision for situations like this, where he can take several days leave with pay, without it coming out of his leave bank. Hopefully that will get approved today, and he will be home for the next several days with us, to try and get everything taken care of that we need to. I’m so grateful to be a military family at this point. There are a lot of negatives, but the positives, and the way they take care of people is just awesome.

I know that the only way I am getting through this is because of God holding me up, and Donovan holding the other side up. God is holding us both up, and we are holding each other. I know that God brought this wonderful man into my life, and I know that the experiences we both have gone through, brought us to the point where together, we are facing this challenge, head on, and going to make it!

Praise God for all things, He uses them for His Glory!