Bittersweet…

Mother’s Day is bittersweet for me this year.  It was a year ago on Mother’s Day that we buried my mom’s ashes.  It was a lovely day, bright and sunshiney, and we had a family picnic out at the church in the country, after we had a small prayer service for her, just family.  It was beautiful and she would have loved it.  There are so many wonderful memories I have of my Momma, she was such a special person.  Funny memories, not so funny memories, and just sweet memories.  I treasure them, I hope that I am making wonderful memories like she made for me with my children.  We spent an hour or so today just going through old pictures, laughing, crying, and smiling.  I can see little bits of her in each of my children.  I know that as long as she is remembered we will always have little bits of her with us, and I’m so glad that I know one day I will see her again, and she won’t be sick, she will be dancing and singing in His glory!  If you’re interested, here are a few pics of her and of me and the kids…   

The first one was when she was little, I can sooo see Allison in this picture!  The second picture is of me, my sister and Momma and it was either a Mother’s Day or Easter, I’m not sure which.  Third is a picture of me, my sister, Momma and my nephew, it was taken in the summer of 1992 when I came to Texas to visit from Vegas.  The fourth picture is one of the last pictures, possibly the last one, of the group of us, me, my sister, Momma and my aunt, it was taken in the summer of 2007 when we went to Oklahoma for my great-aunt and great-uncle’s 50th wedding anniversary.  The last picture is the only one I could find of me with all three kids.  I don’t like having my picture taken, so they are rare.  It was taken in 2001 at Halloween.  I was a green m&m, if you weren’t sure what I was supposed to be.  That was when I had chopped my hair off short, I’m thinking of doing it again.  Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the pics, and I’m praying that all of you Mothers have a blessed day today!

in Him,

Tricia

Missing…

I’ve been wanting to post for a while now. Just haven’t made the time, but I put it out on Facebook and MySpace that I would be posting today, so I felt like I needed to do that. I don’t know what to say though, my words are a jumbled mess right now. All I can think about is where I was a year ago today, and how much I miss my Momma.

The year has flown by, things have settled down, it doesn’t seem like a year has gone by, but it has. 365 days that I haven’t spoken with her. 12 months that I haven’t been able to hug her, or more importantly, to be hugged by her. There is something about a Mother’s love that cannot be described. I feel it with my own children, I hope they feel it from me. It’s in the knowing, the knowing that she was there for me, no matter what. She was safe, I could always call or go to her, and she would put her arms around me, and for those seconds, all was right in the world. What I wouldn’t give to be able to rest my head on her lap again and have her stroke my hair, telling me that she loved me, without even opening her mouth. I miss her so much. I just pray that I show my children each and every day how much I love them, like she did with me. I know my Mother wasn’t perfect, no one is, but she was as close to perfect as a human could ever come in my eyes, she loved me with everything in her, all my life, and I am so grateful to God for giving her to me for the first 35 years of my life.

I had more time with my Momma than she had with hers. My Grandma died before I was born, I believe my Momma was about 26 or so when she lost her Mother. I know how hard it was for her, but she kept on going, for my sister, and for me. She loved all of us with a true love, all of her kids. Jimmy, Clyde, Danny, Sheryl, Ricky, Shannon, Pam and me. I miss her so much. I always will, but I will also always be so grateful for the time I had, and for knowing how much she loved me, and what a life she had. It wasn’t always happy and wonderful, but she lived it to the fullest, and made a difference in people. People loved her, because she loved them.

There are so many specific memories I have, it’s always been interesting to me the way some things stick in our head, and we remember them like they were yesterday, and then other things remain more as an impression, a feeling or a sound or a smell. I remember being at the store with her, and I could always find her when she coughed, I knew that sound even as a small child, and could distinguish her in a crowd of people by it. Her laughter, her smile, they radiated love. I can also remember that look she would get when I did something not quite right, lol. I remember the feeling of her hugging me, and of her stroking my hair. I remember specific situations, the exact way it felt to think I had disappointed her, or upset her, and the relief that came with the knowing that she still loved me just as much. No, my Momma wasn’t perfect, but she was mine. I miss her every day, and this day is especially hard. But I rest in Jesus’ arms, knowing that she is with Him, and she is no longer sick, she can dance as she loved to, and she is in Heaven, waiting until one day I will see her again.

Hug your children, hug your parents, let them all know how very much they are loved.

Hi there…

It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had a moment to sit down and write on here. It has been almost a month now, and wow, things sure do change!

My mom went Home to be with the Lord on April 24th. We were on our way there when I got the call. I guess God knew I couldn’t have handled being there, so He took that option away. I wish in a way that I had gotten there, but in other ways I’m glad I wasn’t there, kwim? Her funeral was Monday, the 28th. You know that saying, whatever can go wrong will go wrong, well, it almost all did. The night before the funeral, at the visitation (viewing) they were playing the wrong pictures on the screen at first, then there was no one there who could figure out how to work the computer, so the first hour there were either wrong pictures or no pictures. At the funeral there were 3 or 4 times where there was just this long awkward silence. The funeral director apparently couldn’t get the cd to play. I couldn’t believe that they hadn’t tried the cd’s before hand. It was very upsetting. Then, at one point, she stuck her head in the room and passed a note to the pastor. Talk about unprofessional. I got up at one time to go tell the manager that there was no music and everyone was just sitting there looking around at each other. It was so upsetting. Our family had enough to stress about, we weren’t supposed to have to stress about that too, but God knows what He is doing, and it all came together and it was overall a nice service. I read a poem, my cousin said a few words, and a good friend of my mom’s spoke as well. To top it all off, my step-dad’s sister had sent a plant, which did not arrive in time for the funeral. My sister called the funeral home several times asking about it, and they kept saying that they had not received it. After 2 weeks, the plant was tracked, and it was confirmed as delivered to the funeral home. *sigh* They replaced it, but not without us having to track it down and confront them with the fact that they received it and either *lost* it or did something else with it. Then, the *owner*/managing partner, asked us to please use another funeral home for our future needs. Can you imagine???

I colored my hair, and put pink streaks in it. It looked really cute! I say looked because the pink is almost all faded now. It fades really quick, but I have nice highlights where it bleached it for the pink left though. lol I don’t think I’m going to do it again, but I do have a Pampered Chef Help Whip Cancer show coming up, maybe I’ll do it for that and then be done. We shall see. If I do it again I will definitely get pictures though!

B started the partial hospitalization program on May 1st. So far he’s doing well there. Last week it was a rough week in the evenings at home, and Friday he would have gone inpatient if there would have been a bed available. There wasn’t, and we made it through the weekend. There have been some med changes for him. They took him off the lithium, and started him on Abilify as a mood stabilizer as well as starting him on Buspar for his anxiety. Just waiting to see if there is any difference or not. He’s also going to school there, which has been good for him I think. I’m hoping that he is able to finish out the school year there, as homeschooling has not been working for us the past month or two. We did the first part of his psychological testing, but he refused to cooperate when we went back to finish up on Friday. We rescheduled for this Friday coming up, the 23rd. If you have a moment, please pray that he is willing to cooperate when Friday gets here. He says that he doesn’t need or want help. We can’t do it for him, so right now our prayers are that he comes to the realization that he needs help so that he can function at a somewhat normal level, whatever normal is.

Mother’s Day weekend we went to my sister’s and that Saturday, we buried Momma’s ashes. We placed her between my grandmother and my sister’s baby she lost. I think Momma would have been happy with the small prayer ceremony we did. Nothing fancy, just our family, the Lord’s prayer, and a few words about her. What my cousin Shannon said really touched me. She spoke of a conversation she had with Momma the week before, about her faith and salvation. It was a blessing to hear the details of that from Shannon and know that she was so concerned and loved my mom enough to ask her and touch her in that way before she went Home. After the ceremony, we had a picnic on the church grounds. It was nice. I should have some pics ready to post in a day or two and I’ll get them up here for you to see. It’s really pretty out there, and the kids had a great time running around and playing.

I’ve had med changes too. The doctor took me off the Lithium as well, and put me on the Abilify to act as a mood stabilizer. It seems to be working ok. I’m still quite anxious at times, and get quite upset easily. I’ve also been a shop-a-holic a lot lately, and that is worrying me quite a bit. I’m seeing her this afternoon, so we will have a talk about that.

Oh, one other thing, I got my nose pierced yesterday!!! I had lunch with my best girlfriends to celebrate two of their birthdays and that one got an A in her last class. Afterwards, we went to the tattoo place and I got my nose pierced, one got her ear cartilage pierced and one got a tattoo priced. She didn’t go through with it though. It was so much fun just being together and having fun. Silly girly stuff, we need to do it more often girls!!!

I’ll try to post tomorrow maybe, we’ll see what all is going on and how my appt goes today!

Love ya!

Whirlwinds…

Whirlwinds come flying into our lives sometimes don’t they? Just out of the blue, or maybe not so out of the blue, but for the most part unexpected. One minute you think you know what is going on, and then the phone rings. My phone rang last Thursday…

My sister called last Thursday, it was around 11:30 am. I don’t know the exact time, but I know it was around then because we were on the way to pick up A from school for a therapist appointment. Anyway, Wednesday night she called 911 and my mom went to the hospital. She couldn’t breathe. If you don’t know, my mom has emphysema. She was in CCU until Friday when she went to a regular room. She is not doing better. She will not get better. Two years ago she was in the hospital and her chest x-ray showed a spot on her lungs. That was how they referred to it two years ago, a spot. Well, my mom has not had insurance up until this month, when she turned 65 and started to qualify for medicare. So, 2 years ago she opted not to have the spot looked at. They were unable to do any treatment or biopsy it in the hospital at that time because her condition wasn’t stable enough. Fast forward back to last week, the emphysema is much worse, her condition is less stable, and the spot is now being called a mass. There is nothing they can do at this point. They cannot even officially diagnose the mass as cancer because they do not believe her body could handle the biopsy. The doctors said that if she is intubated (put on a breathing tube) she most likely would not come off it. So, they called in hospice care for her on Saturday, and brought her home in an ambulance. Hospice will help her to be comfortable and help us to know how best to care for her. They have been wonderful so far! What a wonderful ministry!

Them being wonderful doesn’t change the fact that my mother is dying. I don’t want her to hurt and suffer anymore, but it hurts to know that my children aren’t going to know her like my nephew knows her. There are so many wonderful memories I have of her. I hope and pray that I can preserve them so that my children can know her and remember her.

If you have a minute, say a prayer for my mom, that perhaps, she won’t hurt so bad, that we will be ok and that we can accept God’s will for her. That she knows God’s love for her and will be with Him on streets of gold, dancing for joy!