Transparency…

Have you ever noticed that although you can see through plastic wrap, it distorts whatever is inside?  Things look crinkly, or funny when viewed through it.  When you look through glass, there is no distortion though, or if there is, I’ve never noticed it.  Well, through my glasses things are distorted, but in a good way!  ;o)

I’ve been thinking a lot about transparency lately.  What does it mean for a person to be transparent?  How are we to be that way?  As a Christian, shouldn’t I strive to be more like glass than plastic wrap?  When we go to church, do we put on our plastic faces, or are we like glass, sharing and showing what is really going on in our lives?  I’ve worn the plastic face before.  Most of us probably have.  We don’t want to admit our brokenness.  Our need for God.  So many people today seem to think that since they are a Christian, they must not show that they are human.  We almost seem to want to show everyone else how wonderful things are, even when we hurt.  We all hurt.  We’ve all got trials.  Why not share them with your brothers and sisters in Christ?

In order to be willing to share, a person must feel safe.  That they can share.  That they won’t be judged or looked down upon.  In order for that to happen, they have to know that other people are hurting too.  That other people are just as broken and challenged in they are.  Not necessarily in the same way, but in one way or another.  We know that the Bible tells us all people have sinned, all people fall short of the Glory of God. (Romans 3:23)  I cannot speak for everyone else, but I tend to forget that.  As humans, we see the outside, we do not see the heart of other people, but we should.  That is part of being transparent.  Seeing a person’s heart, but in order to see it, they must let you.  They must be transparent, opening themselves up to show one another what their problems and trials are.  How they fall short.  How they hurt, how they are broken.  That goes back to feeling safe with one another.  It’s a vicious cycle.  How can I trust you, if you don’t trust me, but how can you trust me if I don’t trust you, etc. etc. etc.  Someone has to start.

I’ll go first… I’m human, I hurt, I fail, I struggle.  If you’ve read my blog before, you know some of my trials… I was in an abusive relationship, I’ve struggled with depression and anxiety, my son struggles with bipolar disorder, my husband was very ill earlier this year.  There is more than that though.  I struggle with prayer, making time daily to go to the Lord with praise, with hurts, with needs, for others.  I try, but I don’t always succeed, that’s part of my humanness.  I struggle with food.  In my first marriage when my husband turned angry, I would eat.  Not just over-eat, but binge.  I would drive through a fast food place, get several burgers, eat them so fast it would make your head spin, then go home and eat dinner so that no one would know I had already eaten, and so much.  I struggle with my self image.  Am I good enough?  Do people look at me differently because I’m over-weight?  Does that matter?  I struggle with reading the Bible as I should, I’m lazy, I don’t always do what I know is right.  Sometimes I do things for the wrong reasons, not putting God first, but putting my own needs and desires before His.  I spend too much money, not being a good steward of what God has given me.

This post wasn’t intended to be a confession of all my faults, but to encourage others to be transparent, to go to their brothers and sisters in Christ, and ask for whatever help they need.  Whether it is prayer, friendship, finances, whatever it is you are struggling with, take it to the cross, and take it to your brothers and sisters.  Part of being a family is helping one another, lifting one another up, supporting one another, and being that safe place for one another.  Family should be the one place that we can turn, when it seems that no one will understand, for support and help.  We cannot help one another if we aren’t transparent.  If we always put on our plastic faces and don’t let anyone see who we really are, and what our needs are.  What are your needs, how can your brothers and sisters lift you up, support you, and love you as Christ does?

in Him,

Tricia

Sssshhh!

Quiet time, do you make time for it?  I try, but I have to confess I’m not very good at it.  I want to, but *something* always seems to get in the way.  I need to be more disciplined.  God tells us to have quiet time, “Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.”  Psalm 46:10  This is when I get refreshed, rejuvenated, feel drawn in and so close to God, when I get still, quiet, worshipful, and exalt Him.  The feeling of being on your face before the Lord in worship is indescribable.  I want that feeling all the time.  So then why do I let those *somethings* get in the way you ask?  Laziness, fear, business, pride, all of this and so much more.  It all comes down to the enemy though.  He wants to keep me from having that time.  He wants to keep me from worshipping my creator, sustainer, counselor, deliverer, my best friend.  If Satan can keep one Christian from their quiet time, with whatever excuse he provides and uses, then he will grab onto that and hold on for dear life.  I have strongholds, I know this.  I am not perfect, I don’t think I’m a good Christian, I don’t think anyone can claim that title, because we are all sinners and all fall short of perfection.  What I also know is that God wants to deliver me from those strongholds, if I will just do my part.  I have to fight against the enemy with all I have and all I am.  I have to put on the full armor of God as Paul says in Ephesians 6:11.  I must put on my armor, which I hope is pink and sparkly ;o), and fight against everything that would draw me away from my time with my Lord.  Can you do it too?  Can you take up your armor, whatever color yours is, and fight against the enemy and his forces?  I think you can, I will be praying for you, and with you…

in Him,

Tricia

A funny thing…

Depression is a funny thing.  Two weeks ago I was so down.  I was ready to throw in the towel, I wanted God to take me home.  I didn’t want to play this game called life anymore.  Fortunately, God has other plans.  Thanks to my hubby’s determination I saw the doc, got a med change, went about my life, one day, sometimes one minute at a time, and mostly, I prayed. 

Prayer is a funny thing.  We don’t always get immediate answers, sometimes, God doesn’t answer at all, sometimes He just quietly sits and listens, letting us find our own answers.  Other times, He gently tells us that He loves us so much, and He wants us to just let go and let Him take it all on for us.  Then again, at other times, He can be quite direct and blunt, telling us in no uncertain terms that He wants something different for us, and after all, He is God, so He knows best.  No matter how He answers though, He always loves us, of that I am absolutely certain. 

Life as a whole is a funny thing.  I think the writer of Forrest Gump said it best, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.”  You don’t really.  Sometimes we think we do, we think, or at least I think, that I have it all figured out.  Things are going to happen a certain way, and then, Kaboom!!!!  The bottom falls out of my plans, or I trip and land on my face, or sometimes, it even feels like someone has kicked me in the back of the knee, causing me to fall.  The thing is though, no matter what causes me to stumble and fall, God is right there, loving me, and urging me on.

Lots of things are funny, but then again, isn’t laughter the best medicine?  Go giggle, and thank God for the gift of laughter and humor!

in Him,

Trish

Wow…

It’s been a crazy couple of weeks for me.  As you might know, April 24th was the one year anniversary of my mom going home to be with the Lord.  It was a hard week.  The week after that, I had a couple of anxiety type attacks, not good.  As I think I’ve mentioned before, I struggle with clinical depression and post traumatic stress disorder as well as generalized anxiety disorder.  I got in to see my family doc pretty quickly, but since he does not provide my primary psychiatric care he was a little hesitant to make any major changes.  He put me back on Abilify and gave me Ativan for the anxiety.  I see the psychiatrist on the 14th, so that is good.  I had another episode last night, my poor husband has the patience of a saint.  He loves me so very much and is just always there to hold me and support me, pray over me and just care for me.  God truly blessed me.  The good news is that I’ve not needed to go to the hospital, which was a big fear for me as the anxiety began to take over.  Don’t get me wrong, psychiatric hospitals aren’t horrible prison like places by any means, but the idea of being away from my family for a week or more again just doesn’t sound like my ideal vacation, unless of course it included a field trip to DisneyLand or DisneyWorld, then I’m all over it!  ;o)

Anyway, I didn’t mean to ramble on so much about that!  I have lots more exciting and fun news to share!  First off, as you might have noticed I’ve moved my blog from blogger to wordpress.  There were some issues with my e-mail address when I tried to have my blogger address point to just freetodance.com so after some research I decided to move over here.  If you aren’t familiar with my story, or just need a refresher you can visit www.iamfreetodance.blogspot.com and read my archives.  I hope to eventually move them over here, but there are some technical issues with blogger and importing to wordpress, so for now it will stay there.  Hopefully the wordpress tech folks or blogger tech folks will figure it out soon and I’ll be able to delete the blogspot blog.  Anyway…

Other news, I’m going to be getting rid of my Stampin’ Princess blog too, and just go to one blog that will cover all aspects of me and my life.  In other stampin’ news, I’m also no longer going to be a Stampin’ Up!(c) Demonstrator.  I’m sad about that, but since our move I just haven’t had any luck in finding customers.  There are also a lot of other things going on that I just don’t have time to get out and try to find customers.  I’ve also started to expand my horizons as far as crafting goes.  I’ve discovered some great stamp companies that have awesome stamps that are nothing like what Stampin’ Up!(c) carries, and I like them.  I’m also branching out with what types of supplies I use, copic markers, stickles, stencils, glimmer mist, shimmerz, all kinds of wonderful products that SU! just doesn’t carry.  I will probably always use SU! ink and paper, the quality is just awesome and I love that the colors all match so perfectly, but there are other companies out there that I want to play with too.  I guess I’m just outgrowing Stampin’ Up!(c) and while that makes me a little sad, I’m also so excited about this whole world of papercrafting I’ve discovered is out there!

Summer semester starts on the 11th of May.  My first class will be Humanities, followed by Christian Counseling starting in June.  I’ve been thinking of changing my major from Psychology / Christian Counseling to Religion/Christian Counseling, but I haven’t had time to call the school and talk to a counselor about that yet.  In case you didn’t know I am a Distance Learning student at Liberty University based in Lynchburg, Virginia.  I transferred there because it is a Christian school, and because of the Christian Counseling programs they offer.  Since my end goal is to work with women in counseling situations and hopefully womens ministry it seemed a better fit.

One last thing before I go for now, could you please be in prayer for a few things for me?  One is my anxiety/depression/ptsd.  As I mentioned above, it is getting bad again, and I need the Lords covering and hands upon me for that more than ever.  Secondly is my brother.  He had surgery a while back to remove some melanomas, but they have come back, and this time have spread and he is at stage four.  I’m not sure of his relationship with God, so I would appreciate both prayers for his healing and for his relationship with God, along with courage for me to talk to him about this.  Thirdly, and I apologize for not being very specific, but I have another possible health issue, and would appreciate your prayers for that as well.  I don’t want to be too specific until I know more.  It’s kind of weird, there *could* be an issue, but it *could* just be nothing.  I have tests scheduled for June 3rd and hopefully will know more after that and will give you all an update then.  Thanks for reading this far, and for your prayers!

in Him – Trish

It’s a God thing…

So, I’ve been struggling. I’ve felt so disconnected since we’ve moved, well, before that even. Just with everything going on, I haven’t made time for me to be close to God, and I’ve been feeling it. This weekend we tried out a different church than the one we’ve been attending since we got here. They have so many programs, and so many different groups, it seems like it might be a better fit for our family. We loved the service, it was awesome and such a great word. We filled out the first time visitors card, because well, we were first time visitors. One thing we checked off was interest in finding out more about their Women’s Ministry. So today I got a call from someone in their office who was just as sweet as she can be. We talked about the different groups and she’s going to have someone contact me from a couple of groups I’m interested in, they have a card making group, awesome, and a scrapbooking group, woohoo! They both meet monthly, which is awesome, and I can’t wait! Now, for the amazing part. They are also doing a Beth Moore Bible study on Tuesday nights. I’ve endevored to do a few Beth Moore studies, they’re awesome and so just amazing to participate in. I’ve never managed to make a whole one though, something always comes up or happens and I have to drop out. Well, the one they are working through right now is Believing God. I was so excited, because I really wanted to do that one, but didn’t even make it to the halfway point and something happened. So, she said she’d have the leader call me. I jumped off the phone and started digging around for my participant book and found it. I got through week 3 last time, that’s it. Week 3. I figured they’re probably already past that, but that’s ok, I’ll just start where they are and finish. Well, the leader called me within like 5 minutes and we talked. It was like talking to an old friend, she was so sweet and so nice. Then, she tells me, we just watched the week 3 video last week, and I burst into tears. I was so floored, is this not a work of God or what? This study is all about believing what God tells us, and I so need to remember to do that. Then, what does He do, but put me right at the perfect place at the perfect time. What an amazing God we serve!

Hi there…

It feels like it’s been forever since I’ve had a moment to sit down and write on here. It has been almost a month now, and wow, things sure do change!

My mom went Home to be with the Lord on April 24th. We were on our way there when I got the call. I guess God knew I couldn’t have handled being there, so He took that option away. I wish in a way that I had gotten there, but in other ways I’m glad I wasn’t there, kwim? Her funeral was Monday, the 28th. You know that saying, whatever can go wrong will go wrong, well, it almost all did. The night before the funeral, at the visitation (viewing) they were playing the wrong pictures on the screen at first, then there was no one there who could figure out how to work the computer, so the first hour there were either wrong pictures or no pictures. At the funeral there were 3 or 4 times where there was just this long awkward silence. The funeral director apparently couldn’t get the cd to play. I couldn’t believe that they hadn’t tried the cd’s before hand. It was very upsetting. Then, at one point, she stuck her head in the room and passed a note to the pastor. Talk about unprofessional. I got up at one time to go tell the manager that there was no music and everyone was just sitting there looking around at each other. It was so upsetting. Our family had enough to stress about, we weren’t supposed to have to stress about that too, but God knows what He is doing, and it all came together and it was overall a nice service. I read a poem, my cousin said a few words, and a good friend of my mom’s spoke as well. To top it all off, my step-dad’s sister had sent a plant, which did not arrive in time for the funeral. My sister called the funeral home several times asking about it, and they kept saying that they had not received it. After 2 weeks, the plant was tracked, and it was confirmed as delivered to the funeral home. *sigh* They replaced it, but not without us having to track it down and confront them with the fact that they received it and either *lost* it or did something else with it. Then, the *owner*/managing partner, asked us to please use another funeral home for our future needs. Can you imagine???

I colored my hair, and put pink streaks in it. It looked really cute! I say looked because the pink is almost all faded now. It fades really quick, but I have nice highlights where it bleached it for the pink left though. lol I don’t think I’m going to do it again, but I do have a Pampered Chef Help Whip Cancer show coming up, maybe I’ll do it for that and then be done. We shall see. If I do it again I will definitely get pictures though!

B started the partial hospitalization program on May 1st. So far he’s doing well there. Last week it was a rough week in the evenings at home, and Friday he would have gone inpatient if there would have been a bed available. There wasn’t, and we made it through the weekend. There have been some med changes for him. They took him off the lithium, and started him on Abilify as a mood stabilizer as well as starting him on Buspar for his anxiety. Just waiting to see if there is any difference or not. He’s also going to school there, which has been good for him I think. I’m hoping that he is able to finish out the school year there, as homeschooling has not been working for us the past month or two. We did the first part of his psychological testing, but he refused to cooperate when we went back to finish up on Friday. We rescheduled for this Friday coming up, the 23rd. If you have a moment, please pray that he is willing to cooperate when Friday gets here. He says that he doesn’t need or want help. We can’t do it for him, so right now our prayers are that he comes to the realization that he needs help so that he can function at a somewhat normal level, whatever normal is.

Mother’s Day weekend we went to my sister’s and that Saturday, we buried Momma’s ashes. We placed her between my grandmother and my sister’s baby she lost. I think Momma would have been happy with the small prayer ceremony we did. Nothing fancy, just our family, the Lord’s prayer, and a few words about her. What my cousin Shannon said really touched me. She spoke of a conversation she had with Momma the week before, about her faith and salvation. It was a blessing to hear the details of that from Shannon and know that she was so concerned and loved my mom enough to ask her and touch her in that way before she went Home. After the ceremony, we had a picnic on the church grounds. It was nice. I should have some pics ready to post in a day or two and I’ll get them up here for you to see. It’s really pretty out there, and the kids had a great time running around and playing.

I’ve had med changes too. The doctor took me off the Lithium as well, and put me on the Abilify to act as a mood stabilizer. It seems to be working ok. I’m still quite anxious at times, and get quite upset easily. I’ve also been a shop-a-holic a lot lately, and that is worrying me quite a bit. I’m seeing her this afternoon, so we will have a talk about that.

Oh, one other thing, I got my nose pierced yesterday!!! I had lunch with my best girlfriends to celebrate two of their birthdays and that one got an A in her last class. Afterwards, we went to the tattoo place and I got my nose pierced, one got her ear cartilage pierced and one got a tattoo priced. She didn’t go through with it though. It was so much fun just being together and having fun. Silly girly stuff, we need to do it more often girls!!!

I’ll try to post tomorrow maybe, we’ll see what all is going on and how my appt goes today!

Love ya!

Whirlwinds…

Whirlwinds come flying into our lives sometimes don’t they? Just out of the blue, or maybe not so out of the blue, but for the most part unexpected. One minute you think you know what is going on, and then the phone rings. My phone rang last Thursday…

My sister called last Thursday, it was around 11:30 am. I don’t know the exact time, but I know it was around then because we were on the way to pick up A from school for a therapist appointment. Anyway, Wednesday night she called 911 and my mom went to the hospital. She couldn’t breathe. If you don’t know, my mom has emphysema. She was in CCU until Friday when she went to a regular room. She is not doing better. She will not get better. Two years ago she was in the hospital and her chest x-ray showed a spot on her lungs. That was how they referred to it two years ago, a spot. Well, my mom has not had insurance up until this month, when she turned 65 and started to qualify for medicare. So, 2 years ago she opted not to have the spot looked at. They were unable to do any treatment or biopsy it in the hospital at that time because her condition wasn’t stable enough. Fast forward back to last week, the emphysema is much worse, her condition is less stable, and the spot is now being called a mass. There is nothing they can do at this point. They cannot even officially diagnose the mass as cancer because they do not believe her body could handle the biopsy. The doctors said that if she is intubated (put on a breathing tube) she most likely would not come off it. So, they called in hospice care for her on Saturday, and brought her home in an ambulance. Hospice will help her to be comfortable and help us to know how best to care for her. They have been wonderful so far! What a wonderful ministry!

Them being wonderful doesn’t change the fact that my mother is dying. I don’t want her to hurt and suffer anymore, but it hurts to know that my children aren’t going to know her like my nephew knows her. There are so many wonderful memories I have of her. I hope and pray that I can preserve them so that my children can know her and remember her.

If you have a minute, say a prayer for my mom, that perhaps, she won’t hurt so bad, that we will be ok and that we can accept God’s will for her. That she knows God’s love for her and will be with Him on streets of gold, dancing for joy!

Dinner

Last night when we got to the hospital, we found out B had been moved to *green* level, which means he is allowed off his unit! Hooray! He got to go have dinner in the cafeteria, and go to the gym yesterday. He was really excited about that. Tonight we are all going up to have dinner with him, A is very excited! We all are, but she is especially.

During our visit last night, he was up and down. He started off kind of down. Sad because his brother and sister weren’t there, but then he was excited because Aunt Pam and Granny were! While we were visiting, he was quite pingy (hyper). He bounced around, being really silly, etc. Very excited. I don’t know if that was because Granny & Aunt Pam were there, or if it was because we were visiting outside on the grounds, or a combination of the two, but he was definitely wound. He got quiet towards the end of our visit, which is to be expected. But he was in a good mood when he went back inside, and took off to take a shower.

They are supposed to be doing his Psychological Testing today. Bryan told us that the doctor said they are hoping to have his test results quickly. He might be able to come home Tuesday at this point. We’re still hanging in here, just kind of waiting. We asked that the doctor call us today, but haven’t heard anything from him yet.

Like I said, we’re just hanging in here, waiting to see what happens from one day to another. I’m tired. I miss him. I cleaned up his school area yesterday, it made me sad. I want him home, but I also want to know what is going on inside him, so we can figure out what to do to help him. I want that sweet loving boy back that I know is inside there. The one who cried if you killed a spider, not got excited about killing snakes. The boy who throws his arms around you and says he loves you. I know he is still in there somewhere, we just need help in figuring out how to get him back…

Keep praying…

Still waiting…

Thank you everyone who is praying for us, it is working…

For those of you who don’t know all the details, we took B Monday night to a psychiatric treatment center. He started the night off good, but after his shower, he “fell” down the stairs, intentionally. On his way down, he knocked A out of the way, and fortunately she didn’t fall, just hit the wall and bruised her finger. After that, he became very aggressive, hitting, kicking, saying hateful things. At one point, he did calm down, and was saying that he did not like feeling that way, and did not want to really hurt us, but felt like someone else was making him do and say these things. We tried to get him upstairs to his room, but he became agitated again and had to be carried upstairs. He was very angry at that, and could not be calmed down at that point. We made the decision to call the hospital, they had a bed available, and recommended bringing him in based on the behaviors we were describing. He did not want to go. When Donovan left to take the other two children to a friend’s so we could take B to the hospital, he was adamant that he was not going. We, I say we it was actually Donovan, carried him out of his room, down the stairs, and to the car. B was not happy. He fought all the way, threatening us and himself, throwing things in the car. He finally calmed down, but when we got to the hospital, he got wound back up, and had to be carried in and restrained. They finally got him to calm down, thankfully without having to give him anything. He has been there since then. He will be in the hospital until early in the week at least. The psychiatrist has ordered psychological testing, which should be done today or tomorrow (we were hoping for sooner, but there were insurance problems). Right now I’m praying that we will get results before he is discharged. Thus far there have not been any medication changes, and the diagnosis is still Mood Disorder NOS and Anxiety Disorder NOS. We are praying that the psych testing will reveal a more specific diagnosis, which will give us a better idea of where to go with treatment. He has had one episode there at the hospital, which has not happened with any of his prior hospitalizations. This gives them a more clear picture of what his symptoms and behaviors are, and that will help to determine a better diagnosis and treatment plan. Again, right now, we are just in a holding pattern, trying to figure out which way to go with this, and what will help him the most.

D & A are doing OK with all this. They are worried about B of course. A is upset because being 9 years old, she cannot go onto the unit with B to visit him, and he cannot come outside yet. Yesterday she got to see him through the window and wave, blow kisses, and tell him she loves him in sign language. That made her feel better. We are trying to keep things as normal as possible for them, and thanks to all our wonderful friends for helping us to do that! I don’t know how we would be getting through this without you all!

Just keep praying, it is all in God’s hands, and He will get us through this and use it for good according to His will…

Thank you again for your prayers and well wishes.

Prayer…

There are so many things to pray for in this world, could you add one more? Please pray for Jack and his family.