Not sure…

Why, my soul, are you downcast?  Why so disturbed within me?  Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior & my God. Psalm 42:5

Not sure what to write about tonight.  I could pick any one of several topics, and have even had a couple suggested to me, but I just can’t get my head around that right now.  I’m getting that panicky antsy feeling again.  The new medication is helping, but it’s not cutting all the irritability.  I just want to go to bed and sleep.  I haven’t felt this way all day, it’s snuck up on me really quickly tonight. 

I was ok earlier, I’ve been unmounting stamps all day, and have gotten quite a few done, 26 sets unmounted and stored.  Who knows how many more to go!  I’ve discovered that the easiest way to get the rubber off the foam is to put them in the freezer for about 20 minutes.  I read that in a post on Splitcoast Stampers, but I don’t remember the poster.  If it was you, thank you thank you thank you!  It has been so much easier than trying to microwave them!  Here is a quick picture of what my new storage system will be…

Unmounted storage basket - 26 sets in there!

All of a sudden though, I just started feeling really blah.  That’s the only way I know how to describe it, just blah.  Then irritability set in.  Once I realized what was happening, I had a mini panic attack.  Took an anxiety pill and I’m ok now, just feel tired.  Part of that is probably from the medication, the other part is probably because I’ve been up all day, and I mean since like 6:00 am.  I guess I’m just so worried about the possibility of a recurrence of what happened last month that it’s making me more anxious. 

B got a guitar today.  We are borrowing an acoustic from Donovan’s little sister for him to learn on for a bit, and once he’s had some lessons and is doing good, we are going to move to an electric.  Starting with baby steps though.  He’s over the moon excited about having one.  He had lessons a couple of years ago and didn’t last very long.  He says this time is different though because he wants to take the lessons, last time he just wanted to make someone else happy.  We shall see how long it lasts this time.

Bible study is tomorrow.  That will be so good.  I love the group of women that the Lord has put in my life.  They have been such a lifeline for me the past few months, it’s unreal.  I so look forward to each time we meet.  We are studying the Gospel of John this time, an inductive study, and I’m so looking forward to it.  I love getting into the Word, each time I read something I get a new message from God about what He is trying to tell me and teach me.  God’s Word is so alive.  I love doing topical studies, don’t get me wrong, but as someone once said to me, there is nothing like getting into the Word itself, not depending on what a teacher has written about and what they got from the Word, but totally depending on the Holy Spirit to move you and reveal God’s purpose for that verse at that particular time in your life.

I posted a verse at the top, which totally explains how I am feeling right now.  Downcast and worried.  I know though that I need to put my hope in God, for He is the One who can make it all better.  Praises to You Father for that!

in Him,

Trish

Books to read…

I’m not a book reviewer by any means. I just happen to love to read. I wanted to share two wonderfully moving books that I read lately…

First was, “The Penny”, by Joyce Meyer & Deborah Bedford. An amazing story that moved me to tears so many times. Second was, “The Shack“, by William P. Young. This is another amazing story, Karen, thank you for recommending it.

Both of them are amazing stories about forgiveness and God’s amazing love for us. Go read them…

Another First

Something a little more positive tonight. The first time I realized I wasn’t alone. After I left, I was seeing a counselor at the local women’s shelter. Fortunately, I did not need to stay there, my family was there for me. Many women don’t have family to turn to though, and women’s shelters provide a place to live for them. For those of us who had a roof, they provide other services though, counseling, support, help with childcare, finding a job, etc.

They helped the kids and I with counseling services. All four of us received individual counseling, as well as a support group that I participated in as well. One night, one of the counselors who was facilitating the group opened up by reading the first part of a book, “I Closed My Eyes: Revelations of a Battered Woman” by Michele Weldon. Before the speaker was finished, I was in tears. This woman, she was telling my story, what she said, what she felt, what her batterer said and did, it was my life. I was stunned. I thought up until that point that I was alone. I believed him when he had told me that it was my fault, that I was to blame. Yet, how could that be, when here was another woman, in the same situation, telling the same story. Who believed the same lies that it was her fault, that somehow, she could hang on and eventually it would get better?

How many others are out there? How many other women are believing those lies? Are lying in bed, nursing a black eye, bruised jaw, crushed spirit, or any of the hundreds of physical injuries? With crushed spirits and empty hearts, just trying to survive, believing that if they can only do just this one thing right, then it will all be better? I am not alone, I have sisters out there, in this *sorority* of sorts, we didn’t choose it, who would? We didn’t ask for it, we didn’t enjoy it, we didn’t do anything to bring it on ourselves, but each day, struggle to make sense of the life we have found ourselves in, and hold onto anything that can bring just one shred of hope. That maybe, just maybe this time it won’t be so bad. It doesn’t get any better. Each instance is worse than the last, it escalates that way. There is a pattern, a cycle of abuse, how does the cycle end, when does the cycle end??? I don’t know, but I do know now that I am not alone, I never was. There are other women out there, just like me. I am NOT alone, and I never was…