I called 911 once. I was pregnant with B, and D was probably about 8 months old. Once again, an argument had escalated. It ended up with me laying on the bed, D crying in the other room, and him choking me. I remember the feeling, not being able to get any air, thinking that this time he was going to really hurt me, the fear that perhaps I was going to die. I don’t know why he stopped, but he did. I was able to get up, but he grabbed D before I could. I just wanted to leave, and there was no way I was going to leave my baby with him after what he had just done. So I threatened, I said if he didn’t let me have D I was going to call 911. I even dialed it, but I didn’t press talk. He shoved the baby at me, I dropped the phone, grabbed the keys and ran out. I drove around aimlessly trying to figure out what to do for probably an hour. Eventually, I came to the realization, at least in my mind, that I had nowhere else to go. He was probably calmed down, I could go home now, he would be sorry and it would be ok. I was pregnant, with nowhere else to turn, so I thought. So I went back home.
He wasn’t furious anymore, but he wasn’t happy. Apparently in my haste to get out the door, in the process of dropping the phone, somehow I pressed the talk button and it called 911. He hung up, but of course, they sent out a unit anyway. He had told them that it was an accident, and that I would be back soon. They said they would come back by to check with me. When they came back by, I remember how scared I was. I didn’t want hi to get into any trouble, I didn’t want anyone to know what was going on in my house, I was so ashamed. I assured the two officers that I was ok. They stood at the door and talked to me. There was a man and a woman. I wish that they would have taken me outside to talk, where he couldn’t hear. I wonder sometimes if they really knew what happened, if they could see the fading red marks on my neck. There was nothing they could do though, I said he hadn’t hit me. They specifically asked that question, “did he hit you ma’am?” I assured them that he hadn’t and they left. I wonder though sometimes, what would have happened if I said yes, if I had told them exactly what had happened. You can’t go back and change the past, it’s over. Don’t wonder what would have happened, if you are there, don’t wonder, tell someone, before it’s too late…
Free To Dance 