Truth…

Truth, it is one of the most important things we have.  When you speak the truth, it frees you.  The ultimate Truth is Jesus Christ.  In the book of John Jesus says, “you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32.  Of course, Jesus was speaking to the Jews, about the Truth of God.  I think that all truth is important though, and freeing.  I believe we are freed from the past hurts in our lives by speaking the truth of them, and then letting them go.  That is what this post is about…

When I was a little girl, I was everybody’s baby.  Everyone spoiled me and loved me a great deal.  My family was and is truly a gift from God.  We were always so close and at Holidays, well, forget trying to find a place to sit, there were so many of us that the only place was the floor.  Of course, as people grow, things change, and that’s ok.  I miss the old days though, when we were always there for one another.  At least, that’s how it seemed to me when I was little.

As I got older, things changed, as they always do in life.  We moved, people got divorced, etc.  That’s ok too, it’s life.  God gives and He takes away.  God brings us to things to grow us and help us learn to rely only on Him for all our needs.  Since my divorce in 2001, and coming to Christ in 2003, that has been my focus, wholly relying on Him for everything.  I’ve learned that things we remember aren’t always what they seem though.  Beneath the happiness and love, there are often secrets and tears.  I have been the keeper of a secret, but it’s time to speak the truth and let it go.  I will not name names, I will not reveal more than I do here, so don’t ask.  While I might seem to be protecting the guilty party, I am really more protecting the rest of my family from hurting for something they had no control over, but might wish they would have.

There was a man in our family who I thought hung the moon.  I loved to go places with him.  He loved to take me places, at least, it seemed to me like he did.  I even wished at one point that he was my daddy, I thought he would have been a great daddy.  As I got older, he started to share things with me, things that at 8 or 9 years old, I didn’t need to know.  Things about his love for my mother, how he wished he could have married her instead of his wife.  He started telling me about love, and life, physical love, and life that is.  Let me step back for a minute to tell you something about me, since I was born, I have loved to be tickled.  Lightly, on my face, my feet, my back, I loved it.  When I was a baby and would cry, lightly tickling my face would calm me down almost instantly.  Everyone knew this, and everyone tickled me, it was just one of those things.  Well, this man would tickle me, and at one point, it got uncomfortable.  Not because it was physically uncomfortable, but I just didn’t feel comfortable with him touching me that way.  He assured me it was ok, but told me not to tell anyone, because they wouldn’t understand.  I didn’t want to make anyone mad, so I kept it to myself.  In 1984, he showed me the issue of Penthouse with Vanessa Williams in it.  I remember this so vividly.  I would have just turned 11 years old, because the issue was from September 1984.  I don’t know if I had ever seen pictures like that, not that I can remember.  Whenever he would take me places after that, I remember looking at the pictures.  One day, I was looking at them, when he walked in.  The unthinkable happened.  That was 25 years ago.

I never told anyone, until now.  No one.  I didn’t think anyone would believe me for one thing, for another, he loved me, therefore, he didn’t really mean to hurt me, there must have been something wrong with me to feel funny about it.  I don’t know if he ever loved any other young girls like he did me.  I pray not.  I do know that he is no longer in a position to hurt anyone.  I have struggled with keeping this secret, hiding this truth, for most of my life.  I realized in the past couple of months that the only person being hurt by hiding this truth is me.  I need to forgive him, and let go of the past, to be set free from it.  So I am.  I am speaking the truth, knowing that it will set me free from its hurt and control over me.  I am choosing to forgive him for the things he did to destroy my innocence and love.  I am clinging tightly to my Jesus, knowing that He is the Truth, and He truly sets me Free!!!